Jennifer Guinyard LMSW believes then men don’t want to meet women online.
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After much reluctancy, I decided to give online dating a try…again. One of the pet peeves I’ve had in the past with this mode of courtship was the fact that people who do it seem to have absolutely no interest in meeting actual people in real life.
Let me be a little bit more specific. In the past I would spend a considerable amount of time scanning through member profiles to see if anyone caught my eye. In the rare case that a man’s profile image and the text to go along with it captivated me, I had no issue messaging the person. I let the guy know that I was interested in getting to know him better. On average, two or three of these conversations led to an actual live date.
There is nothing wrong with being selective. However, online dating has become this vortex where people “hide” to increase their sense of superiority Think about it: you have the power. You get to scan through profiles and say “nope, unattractive, uh uh, arrogant, too short, too desperate.” We are comfortable making judgments about people we don’t even know and then we get fed up when we have no plans on Friday night. People do things like rate your profile very highly or wink at you and then don’t take the time to message you. I don’t understand this phenomenon. Behaving in this manner is a colossal waste of time. Why join a dating website if you have no interest in going on a date?
I made an executive decision: online dating wasn’t about finding the “one.” Yeah it could happen, but I needed to adjust my expectations. I became more open to simply seeing who is out there. I was hopeful that there would be a guy who was proactive enough to ask me out. I know what I want and I am not willing to lower my standards. I’ve found that as time goes on, I’m less critical when viewing profiles of potential dates online.
My observations have led me to believe that men have no interest in meeting women online. Perhaps they are being highly selective. They are possibly reluctant to go out with someone they don’t feel an instant spark with. But I’ll tell you this: I have no interest in communicating with you via email for three months or more in order to figure out if we have enough commonalities to meet in person. I enjoy dating in real life. I don’t think you really get an accurate read of people just by communicating with them online. Let’s see if we click in person sooner rather than later. This is not an act of desperation, it just makes sense!
What are your thoughts about online dating?
This post was originally featured on Brooklyn Single Mama.
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Photo Credit: Nick Karvounis/Unsplash
“My observations have led me to believe that men have no interest in meeting women online.”
You’ve got to be joking. As a guy, I’ve tried to make contact with literally thousands of women over the last five-and-a-half years of being single, and swiped thousands of women right in the hopes that I could get at the least a coffee date out of things. Net total dates: 4… and not one in over two-and-a-half years now.
You are super cute I have no idea why women wouldn’t be interested!
I’d say if you’re finding men who want to message you for months at a time before asking you out for a simple coffee, it’s time to ask them out yourself. If they hesitate, move on. If I’ve messaged a guy back and forth, and he doesn’t ask for my number or to set up a date – I ask. If he balks, that’s it. I cut things off with more precision than a surgeon. Women also should not be so afraid to message first. I think this is the primary problem with online dating. Everyone is afraid of rejection,… Read more »
Has anyone done any surveys of men and their perspective of the on-line dating scene? From the responses here it looks like the men get far less than a one in ten response. I don’t have the resources of the Klout (If I remember that correctly) to conduct such a poll.
It would be interesting if there were a site showing reach out count and response count on an area by area basis. The best ones to do that are the dating sites but I suspect that don’t want us to know how dismal their numbers really are.
This man strongly disagrees; I do want to meet women on line. In the last five months I have had one reply from OkCupid and Zoosk. We went out and she only wants to be friends. We have been to dinner and dancing three times since, so I am not all bad. I don’t want a pen pal and ask to meet you (meaning those that respond) but am happy to chat a bit via email or phone. Am I a very distinct minority? I don’t know why you get so few replies. Might the statement be: I don’t know… Read more »
This article doesn’t make any sense whatsoever.
Jennifer, you go on and on about what you’ve seen in online dating as a woman, and suddenly offer a conclusion that applies to men. There is nothing about men in your entire article. Have you talked to men about their perspectives? How could you possibly know how it feels to be a man on a dating site? You don’t know what you’re talking about.
Yep. I’m with Archy on this. I don’t think the author intended it, but there was definitely a sense of entitlement coming through. No offense intended, but perhaps a proof-read by a friend might have avoided that. My experience with online dating was very brief. VERY brief. I had just entered my name & details and hadn’t had a chance to write out a profile before I had 10 messages come through. I had no idea how to respond as it was my first time ever on a dating website, I felt very overwhelmed & a little frightened/intimidated. How could… Read more »
“I had just entered my name & details and hadn’t had a chance to write out a profile before I had 10 messages come through. ” I think I got 1 message sent by a woman, in the 5 years I’ve been on there. It took months before I got my first reply to a message I sent. I’ve had female friends who’ve made profiles, put up a pic and were getting offers for dates in under 10 minutes which was utterly depressing to hear. Even my good looking male friends take quite a bit of time to get a… Read more »
As a guy, I message often but response rate is abysmal. The few invitations I get from women mostly are from old cowgirls from Nebraska and Wyoming that were rode hard and hung up wet. I don’t care to message for ages, I’d rather meet directly, but it’s got to start with responding to at least some decent guys not sending a dick pic.
I’m not really sure where to start with my response. On the one hand, I’m thinking to myself, “How on Earth can this be any woman’s viewpoint,” based solely on my own experience as a Single Male Seeking Single Female. For months I struggled with the mere fact that I couldn’t get a damned response no matter how many times I messaged women (and no…I did not send several messages to the same woman….if I don’t get a response, I do NOT send another one.) I get why women don’t respond. Either they aren’t interested, based on my profile (and… Read more »
Jennifer
I agree with Archy 100%.
What is your problem.
Here several men take time and write to you for months.
And what do up you do ? Whine whine whine whine whine whine because you are so inhibited or stuck in old fashion sexy roles that you are blind to what is offered you.
Take initiative and if the man say no, then move on.
But why should he say no to a woman he has corresponded with in months ?
“What are your thoughts about online dating?” That you are extremely privileged in the dating scene to be so bold as to be picky in online dating. You get to sit back and still get messaged, when most men are getting less than 1 in 20 messages actually getting a reply and even less getting success. “I made an executive decision: online dating wasn’t about finding the “one.” Yeah it could happen, but I needed to adjust my expectations. I became more open to simply seeing who is out there. I was hopeful that there would be a guy who… Read more »
Wow. You’re response is completely uncalled for. There is nothing in this article that is ‘entitled’ or ‘privileged’. It may surprise you but women have struggles in dating too and we are not all just sitting there while hordes of men ask us out or treating us with respect. Not that you care about what our actual experiences are when you can just tell women what their experiences are in completely degrading ways.
Oh and guess what? Women can be shy too. It’s your loss if you fail to ask them out.
Wow. You’re response is completely uncalled for. There is nothing in this article that is ‘entitled’ or ‘privileged’. It may surprise you but women have struggles in dating too and we are not all just sitting there while hordes of men ask us out or treating us with respect. “Not that you care about what our actual experiences are when you can just tell women what their experiences are in completely degrading ways.” I called HER entitled and privileged, not all women. “Oh and guess what? Women can be shy too. It’s your loss if you fail to ask them… Read more »
She doesn’t say that she hasn’t asked men out. Maybe she is asking men out and getting the runaround from a lot of guys who don’t actually want to get together and meet. Maybe when she suggests that it would be nice to finally meet in person, she doesn’t get a positive response.
I dont know, it seems I get that from women all the time on dating sites. I can find a hundred women I find interesting and send out a casual hello how are doing as an opener and get maybe, if Im lucky, three responses. Of those three, none ever last more than five or six replies before they go into silent running and I never hear from them again.
Im more than happy to meet a woman online but it seems none have any interest in meeting me whatsoever.
I’m sorry…five or six replies? If you aren’t suggesting at least a coffee date by the third reply, then they are bound to lose interest. They didn’t join a dating site to find pen pals. They want to meet you!!