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One of the more telling aspects of the GOP’s ongoing implosion over Donald Trump’s “pussy tape” is the succession of men (mostly Republican, i.e. white) expressing their outrage solely as it relates to their daughters or wives.
Framing the matter this way treats a woman as a possession. She’s protected because she’s in a family AND because she’s owned by the man in that family.
This attitude implies that only to the extent that she happens to be a man’s wife or daughter does a woman deserve to not be sexually assaulted. Not because she’s, you know, a human being who doesn’t deserve to be sexually assaulted.
It also highlights the fact that none of the other horrific things about Trump — like the fact that’s a racist, anti-Latino, anti-Muslim who chose one of the country’s leading anti-LGBTQ fanatics as his running mate — none of that was worthy of condemnation.
THIS IS THE PROBLEM. The inability to see the victims of injustice as human beings unless they’re a member of their immediate family.
Never mind “as a father of daughters, I find this outrageous.” What about “I find this outrageous,” full-stop?
Still, since they’ve framed the issue in terms of their fatherhood, it’s puzzling that none of them are denouncing Trump’s behavior as it relatesto their sons, in terms of what his actions teach their sons about what kinds of behavior are OK.
Alongside the wives-and-daughters crowd are the “not in my locker room” crowd. “That’s not the way my male friends and I talk when we’re alone,” is the point they’re making.
And fine, I take all of you at your word that boys are not learning these behaviors from you. But they’re learning it somewhere, a fact made painfully clear in this gut-wrenching thread:
Women: tweet me your first assaults. they aren’t just stats. I’ll go first:
Old man on city bus grabs my “pussy” and smiles at me, I’m 12.
— kelly oxford (@kellyoxford) October 7, 2016
Hundreds of women recounting sexual assaults and rapes committed against them by hundreds of men and boys, who, fine, didn’t learn it from you. So where did they learn it?
From other boys? On the playground at school? OK, but where are THOSE boys learning it? Older siblings? Then where are THEY learning it? And so on and so on.
It really could not be more perfect that the pussy tape reveals Trump exchanging rapey banter with Billy Bush, the nephew of the former president.
What about him? Where did he learn that it was OK to discuss women that way? (It’s worth remembering that the woman in question was his work colleague.) Where did he learn to laugh and play along with this kind of talk, rather than calling it out?
Trace it back. The nephew of a President, himself the son of a President, who is himself the scion of one of the country’s most prominent and blue-blooded family dynasties.
Somewhere in the lives of these men and boys are fathers (or father figures) who either modeled this behavior themselves or otherwise signaled that it was OK.
I hope it’s clear that I’m not suggesting that the Bush family are solely responsible for rape culture. What I am suggesting is that a big part of white male privilege is the unquestioned assumption that women and girls are objects and possessions, and that you have the right to treat them that way.
Dads, if your son is learning something similar from you, you’re failing.
But if he’s learning it somewhere else, and you’re out of the loop (to borrow a favorite Bushism) about what he’s learning and where he’s learning it, YOU ARE ALSO FAILING.
That’s it. There are only two possibilities, and both are on you.
I feel I need hardly mention that it does no good to communicate to our sons explicitly that treating girls and women this way is unacceptable, if our actions belie our words.
Am I perfect? Hardly. When I was little, I sometimes saw my dad turn his head to admire a beautiful woman as we drove by. Once in a while I catch myself doing the same thing. Maybe my son sees me. I’m striving to be a better man, too. It starts with self-awareness.
Ask yourself, what kinds of behaviors am I modeling for my son? What kinds of words is he hearing me speak?
Ending the culture of rape and sexual assault is not about protecting your helpless women. It’s about teaching your sons. This is a non-optional part of the job of being a father.
Don’t want your daughters getting groped? Teach your sons not to grope.
Don’t want your daughters getting raped? Teach your sons not to rape.
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This article originally appeared on The Huffington Post
Photo by alexander bracken on Unsplash
Of course, fathers, and men in general, should respect women, and model moral behavior for boys. That’s good advice, and it should be encouraged, but it’s kind of obvious, and it’s completely one-sided. This is often the problem with feminism, and this is what The Good Men Project should seek to correct. It should dispel the warped notion that males are to blame for everything, and that they hold all the power: we don’t. In this case, the author takes the issue and reduces it to bad behavior, bad men. He assumes that men are just bad or not taught… Read more »
So you try to smear the former president through his NEPHEW but you say nothing about Bill Clinton?
How many boys are being raised by single mothers?
right, and thats hopefully why we are reading these kinds of articles on these kinds of websites, of which there really arent that many at all. Really there should be more for us single mothers who are trying to teach what a “dad” might. As human beings we can still teach morals, etc but certain things are just best heard or seen from a man. Just my two cents!
@ Tracey Avicolli I don’t think anyone is really refuting what your saying. I think the point is this society (not men) teach boys misogyny. Women, as part of society, teach boys misogyny and for women to teach boys misogyny they have to practice it. I went on a tech call with a female colleague. We’re good friend and I’ve known her since college. We needed some testing equipment and I realized that I was carrying all the equipment. I asked her, how was it that I was carrying all the equipment. She gave me a shove and said you’re… Read more »
Very true, and to affirm, when I speak of the problems kids raised in that environment have, it is not an indictment of single mothers (I married one), but a system that harms them, dumps everything on them (for whatever reason a dad is not there) with only superficial help.
No win for everyone, and moms often get both the burden and the blame.
Um, its not men raising our boys, skip. Take a deep breath and look at the data. Over 90% of our most violent criminals in our prisons today are the product of the single parent female head of household. Most of the men out there trying to prove their masculinity are those that have no understanding of it, because they’ve had no exposure to it, but just “about it” from the type of perspective that you are expressing here. Need to get your facts straight here. And I’ll head off the progressive rage here by stating emphatically that this is… Read more »
Why would a young man commit a violent crime to prove his masculinity? I don’t buy this reasoning. You are saying that unless a young man has an older man to explain/model masculinity to him he will become a violent criminal. This is bizarre and frankly misandrist.
“But if he’s learning it somewhere else, and you’re out of the loop (to borrow a favorite Bushism) about what he’s learning and where he’s learning it, YOU ARE ALSO FAILING.” Indeed, and where he is learning it is from the major power figures in his life, the ones with the most control over him – his mother first of all, so no, you cannot say this isn’t about your wives, and then from his teachers, the overwhelming majority of whom are women. Misogynists are made, not born, and they are made by the people who shape their childhoods. A… Read more »
Am I perfect? Hardly. When I was little, I sometimes saw my dad turn his head to admire a beautiful woman as we drove by. Once in a while I catch myself doing the same thing. Maybe my son sees me. I’m striving to be a better man, too. It starts with self-awareness. Okay let me ask. Exactly what is the lesson behind turning one’s head to admire a beautiful woman? I’m asking because you are using this as a sign of where dads need to teach their sons about not groping and harassing women. Are you saying that if… Read more »
gendering and then demonizing completely normal behavior. text book creation of an “other” “THEY are responsible for this HORRIBLE thing!”
This is the Good Men Project – created for MEN and THEIR problems – and we should talk about the other side of this story as well. Most men are not rapists anyway, neither the father nor the son – just to make this clear. Interesting to read what fathers should all teach to their sons, but many sons do not have access to a father anymore in Western society. There is only a single mom available for them. – Sometimes Men’s Rights Advocates are showing up demanding from those mothers to respect the visitation rights of the father who… Read more »
Join the discussion “Don’t want your daughters getting groped? Teach your sons not to grope.” You know how you teach about consent and boundaries? You start by respecting a child’s consent and boundaries. That means you teach your daughters to respect your sons’ – and other people’s sons’ – consent and boundaries. You teach your daughters to keep their hands to themselves and to watch what hurtful things they are saying about boys. You teach them that “ball tapping” is sexual assault, as is leaning in to kiss that little boy who is going to be punished if he even… Read more »
Im not so sure teaching our daughters not to have one night stands will fix the problem either. Because im sure you arent saying that a one night stand constitutes rape. Like i said before, as good human beings, any person in our family can teach our children, boys and girls how to be respectful people in the community. Treat others how you would like to be treated. I know its not the answer but its a start.
In case my last comment makes it through moderation, they could be learning it from our daughters, wives, sisters, and moms. So how ya planning on fixing that?
Its apparently that paradox of “mothers are burdened with doing the majority of child care” and “mothers have no bearing on how kids turn out”. Men are deadbeats that aren’t in their kids lives but apparently are there just enough to teach sons how to disrespect and hate women.
“When I was little, I sometimes saw my dad turn his head to admire a beautiful woman as we drove by. Once in a while I catch myself doing the same thing. Maybe my son sees me. I’m striving to be a better man, too. It starts with self-awareness.” You’re going to shame your son for glancing at an attractive woman? Really? You’re going to shame him for his sexuality? The thing with “locker room” talk is that it was never intended for the women to hear. Even “progressives” (I put that in quotes because the morality / thought police… Read more »
Look at the amount of shares. I could type a one line essay and become famous, “Men suck, kill them all and freeze their sperm”
Amerika, where men criminals, and truth is irrelevant.