A guy told me he was taking a break from dating to focus on himself. Good for him!
He also said that after two weeks of swimming, he’s built muscle, lost weight, become tan, and will be looking good when it comes time to date again. And he does look good.
IN TWO WEEKS!
Whereas I’m still working on releasing the 30 pounds I put on during COVID and after nearly a year of recovering from two broken ankles.
I’ve also hit the pool to exercise, but I’m not a good swimmer, so I do my dance exercises in the water. I look ridiculous, but women can handle looking ridiculous short-term to look amazing long-term. The butterfly position for a Brazilian wax comes to mind.
Hitting the pool is the easy part. The hard part is staying out of the sun — which I used to worship — because my dermatologist has forbidden sun worship for the rest of my life. She’s very old testament that way.
No natural tan for me. I’m covered head-to-toe in 70 spf sunscreen. Plus sunglasses and a ridiculously large hat. See above re: looking ridiculous.
When I come inside from the pool, I then spray on a fake tan to make up for the lack of natural tan which I’m forbidden to get. It only costs $54 in comparison to a free sun-tan from the actual sun. Still, cheaper than the dermatologist.
I wash the pool chemicals from the subtly blonde hair which cost a fortune and three hours of my time in order to acquire a natural look. One which blends delicately with the grey trying to establish a strong-hold unless beaten down every eight weeks in the salon chair.
Full disclosure, when I’m broke or too busy — which is most of the time — I use Loreal Feria. $14 and 30 minutes later, and damned if it doesn’t look nearly the same as the expensive, time-consuming color.
I go to the dentist to get my teeth whitened, only she finds cavities and now I can’t afford $500 for whitening. I’ll be finding out if over-the-counter teeth whitening is as effective as over-the-counter hair color. Fingers crossed.
Then there’s the waxing. It’s $62 with a discount of $10 if I come back in six weeks.
Guys my age don’t require it or necessarily prefer it, but I often date younger.
Plus, it’s bathing suit season and shaving my own nooks and crannies can lead to blood loss, which at my age can lead to falls in the tub, which could lead to broken bones, which could lead to more weight gain. Waxing is preventative healthcare. Wonder if the IRS will buy that?
Oh, and then there are the nails. Mani-Pedis are not cheap either. $112 last visit. I go in planning to spend $60. Somehow I get upsold every time.
That may have to do with my smiling and nodding when the nail tech asks me a question from behind their mask, often with an accent. When the hot stones, bags of hot wax, and lavender flowers floating in a bowl come out I know I’ve unknowingly agreed to spend more money. At least it all feels good.
I’m also getting a mini-facelift — a lower rhytidectomy — which sounds like something a rhino — not a RINO — would get. RINOS get full facelifts. We Dems can only afford half ones.
The mini-facelift requires 10 days of recovery before I lose the bruises that will make me look like I’ve grown a neck beard. I won’t tell you what it cost, but I’ll be writing for a LONG time to pay it off. More reason to live long and prosper.
I didn’t worry too much about the weight gain except as it impacts my health, until a recent boyfriend told me I needed to wear spanx under my dress. Hence the need to get ready to date again. Not as an incentive to lose weight, but because that guy is now an ex.
If he’s getting ready to date again, I’ll bet all he’s doing is walking to lose weight and — no, I’m sure that’s all he’s doing. No doubt he’ll have someone within weeks if not days. Check back with me in 6 months.
I’ll still be paying off all the “getting ready to date” stuff, so any guy who wants to date me will have to pay for the date. Since he’ll only be paying for a membership to the Y to get ready to date — compared to my maxing out my credit cards — it’s only fair.
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This post was previously published on MuddyUm.
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