I noticed something in the new wave of speaking about what people need in relationships.
We don’t talk about partnerships anymore.
We talk about what one side needs, but we don’t talk about what lies in the middle.
Then why are you writing an article about what men want in relationships?
Well, a helpful technique and approach is to give you qualities men are looking for but give you the result of how it helps them show up for you and meet that middle ground.
I’ve noticed that some of the asks from one side to the other are somewhat ridiculous.
We ask people to meet needs that are less than 100% conducive to a healthy relationship.
You meet someone else’s needs, feel undervalued in yours, and burn out, realizing that showing up for someone else in full force left you empty.
Most men want a healthy, loving relationship but don’t get to talk about their needs in the dynamic.
If I said there needs to be a men’s empowerment era in dating, the idea would get scoffed at and ignored.
Reread that sentence and actually think about how ridiculous that is.
So let’s dig into what men want in relationships so we can finally find that middle ground.
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Path to Success
One thing I hear over and over again in the female community is that sometimes men need to stop replying and listen.
I completely agree!
I want to bring awareness from the male community; we are problem solvers at a base.
I am talking about the partners’ trying to plan a path to happiness with you and not the guy continuously mansplaining.
Stay with me. Remember, we are meeting in the middle.
I understand that sometimes you want to vent, get something off your chest, and feel heard and seen. You don’t even desire our feedback.
However
When a man sees you in that state and feels like he can’t provide a solution, it makes him feel weak.
Biologically, men want to be providers and protect their families.
If he feels like he is not providing you emotional security, it makes him feel like he is not providing value as a man.
Instead of seeing him as combative, men want you to see they are trying to help.
Give him action items to help him feel he is succeeding in soothing your need to vent.
Even if that’s telling him to say, “I hear you,” and nothing more. Men need a task and direction to succeed.
Men want a job.
Men want to stop hearing there is nothing they can do to help. I promise you, giving him the tiniest job of saying “ I hear you” will get him to shut up.
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1:1
Men won’t say it, but they compare themselves to your past. They want to feel like they’re the best thing to ever happen to you.
It is a subliminal thought, but men want to be validated by you.
He wants to walk through the world with his head held high, knowing he is the best choice.
Stay with me. Remember, we are meeting in the middle.
So, what is the elephant in the room that you know I am talking about; body count.
A man caring about your past is rooted in insecurity.
The insecurity is not rooted in a physical number. That is why there’s no “male universal number for a body count that is too high.”
The insecurity is that he thinks he is the next guy up and not the best choice from the beginning.
That leads to the man projecting his feelings onto you.
The day he met you, he didn’t know anything about you, didn’t care about your body count, and wanted to pursue you, right?
The change comes when he thinks his value is not what he perceives. He thinks, “ what makes him so special.”
I get you can’t undo your past, and men need to learn to accept that and stay present.
He won’t tell you, but he needs validation to feel that way.
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Big support
Men are becoming hardened individuals who are to tighten up, be a red pill, emotionally unavailable, and be unforgiving soldiers.
I do agree with some pieces of these new thoughts.
There are differences between men and women. One component of that is we travel down different paths in our lives.
Stay with me. Remember, we are meeting in the middle.
As a man, we don’t always have the opportunity to be emotionally expressive in the real world. We get called weak.
We have to harness our emotions and use them as fuel on the aimless journey we are going on to the path to success.
Whatever that really means, right?
Do you know how women don’t need feedback from a man and want an ear to listen?
Men are on the other side of that spectrum. We need our actions and behaviors valued.
We need your feedback. We want our effort to be acknowledged.
Listen to the things men complain about when they leave relationships. How often do you hear a man complain that he couldn’t vent or express his emotions?
Men leave relationships because they become mentally and physically exhausted and feel underappreciated.
Again, men won’t say it, but they need a pat on the back.
Let them know the value they bring to your life.
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It is time to bridge the gap and create a solution to some of the reasonable and unreasonable needs men and women have in relationships.
I am not losing hope, but this is turning into a two-sided battle instead of people providing action items around the naked values we are scared to expose.
We all become wired with needs based on experiences, but we still have two tasks to complete.
Learning to self-soothe and regulate our emotions over what we can control.
And
Create a path for someone to improve our lives while we actively work on making the changes that lead to a healthy relationship.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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