Jayson Gaddis explains how erectile dysfunction can actually make you a better lover – and a better man.
Erectile dysfunction is why Pfizer, the company who makes Viagra, has more money than the US Government.
To date, nearly 37 million tablets [of Viagra] have been prescribed in Britain. In the decade since Viagra first went on sale, more than 30 million men in 120 countries have been prescribed it. In addition, many millions more have bought it illegally on the internet, or taken a few from their mates in bars, for recreational use.
Indeed, the take-off of Viagra was one of the fastest that a new drug has ever seen. Almost immediately after its launch in America, it was being prescribed at the rate of at least 10,000 a day. In Atlanta, urologist Dr John Stripling wrote out 300 prescriptions on the day it became available (more here…)
According to some studies, 30 million men struggle with erectile dysfunction (ED). My guess is that most of those men are in a lot of emotional turmoil and pain around it, yet very few seek help (only 25% according to a new study). And my guess is that of the men that get help, most are going the western medicine route (i.e. Viagra)—which is severely limited. More on that down the post…
Why do men not get help with ED? Studies mostly assume men want to “fix” the problem with medication and speculate that cost of meds might be a barrier, as well as embarrassment.
But from my own experience with ED, us guys don’t seek help for two reasons: 1) Our conditioning and 2) loads of shame.
The collective shame around ED feels thick, like I’ve got to whack through some serious dense, dark, forest to talk about it.
In fact, to write this blog post I had to bushwack through my own shame.
If you are run by your fear you will let this issue fester and define your manhood. For some of you, losing your erection could mean you are no longer a man.
If you google “erectile dysfunction” you will notice the only people who talk about it openly are “medical experts” who are helping other people with it, or internet marketers hiding behind their slides and screens using stage names. But notice how you rarely see a real person who is talking openly about it?
That’s how thick the shame is. That’s shame talking.
So, here’s an honest take about ED from personal experience suffering with it, followed up with my own highly effective treatment approach that had me conquer it.
Thus, I write this post from my own direct experience with erectile dysfunction (ED) and my experience with countless male clients (and couples) over the years.
And every once in a while ED rears it’s head for me, so I don’t claim to be perfect here.
The difference now however, is that I don’t let ED “take me out.”
In fact, I welcome the message that my cock is bringing me…
Onto my Story
I don’t remember the first time I lost my erection. But at some point in my early 20’s, it happened–enough for me to get concerned. The more it happened, the more alarmed I became.
When I lost my erection to the point of concern, I felt shame, embarrassed, shocked, hurt, angry, and enraged.
I felt so alone and so banished.
It triggered one of my core inadequacy wounds.
I began to dislike and avoid sex.
Masturbation was safer.
It was my secret problem.
But, like a typical guy, I pretended like it wasn’t a problem, I wasn’t affected by it, and I spoke to no one about it. It didn’t become a real issue until I was with one woman for a long period of time.
Then, there was no hiding…
…I had to face it.
I began to see that my mind and cock were not on the same page and that there was indeed more to the story…
If you have had ED, you will make your cock wrong.
Surprisingly a man’s cock can become the source of much of his pain. So, if and when you lose your erection here’s the meaning you will make out of it: “There’s something wrong with me.”
It triggers some deep wounds and can get pretty dark…right?
If my identity is wrapped up in “how” I perform in life, then if I can’t get hard, I can’t perform, therefore I’m definitely a fuck up.
We live in a culture where you are measuring yourself by your performance in just about every sector.
If you perform well, you are good, you are a man.
If you don’t perform well, you kind of suck and you are unworthy of love.
So, take this pill and you’ll be a man again. Or, so the fear-based conditioning that many of us men swallow, goes….
Of course, I never got this message directly from another man, but it somehow became embedded in my psyche over time.
“It’s my responsibility to make her happy by being a sexual stud” we tell ourselves…
But think about it…
How many men can actually achieve this ridiculous expectation and stay there? How many married men can stay sexually engaged over decades and remain fulfilled? From my experience as a relationship coach, very, very few.
A void of education leaves us vulnerable
Let me ask you this….
Di you attend “sexual mastery” school at 14 to learn about your sexuality?
Of course not…
If you are like me, you learned from porn and other boys (This is what we get when men don’t teach boys about sex in a mature way).
I was super alone, confused, and lacked real guidance about my very sexual, sensitive, and sensual body. I was too freaked out and unaware to reach out for guidance.
Back then, instead of listening to my body, I did the typical guy thing—I overrode it and pretended not to have any sexual issues.
I was fumbling around in the dark, deaf, dumb, and blind…
And, since most boys hide or talk shit, I expected myself to know something I knew nothing about. It’s like expecting myself to be a black belt when I didn’t even know how to punch. It can be a bit of a shit show when you are a white belt, but expect yourself to be a black belt.
With my own sex education I forgot that black belts are reserved for the few who “train” for years to get it. Not only that, I never stuck with a girlfriend long enough to even “train.”
So, you probably got shit for guidance, like me, and didn’t seek it out during your insecure phase, thus, you end up subordinating to a fantasy of how you should be and who you should be in the bedroom.
Read that line again because it’s a big secret that no doctor or girlfriend can help with.
And this my friends is the primary root cause of all erectile dysfunction:
The Root Cause of Erectile Dysfunction?
The cause of “ED” is a 3 step process that has blood exit the “building” (the cock).
You get in the bedroom, things are getting hot, and you start to…
- Track your partner more than yourself, especially if you feel insecure in the bedroom. You are looking to her and what she wants. You leave your own inner knowing and desire behind and you attempt to please…This quickly spirals downward in a matter of nanoseconds, each step intricately tied to the next. It’s a chain reaction.
- Subordinate to a fantasy of who you think you should be, rather than being your raw, real, insecure self.
Now that you are “over there” more than with your own desire, you quickly try to be someone you are not in order to please her, rather than being YOU and your awesomeness. Think about it, because of your performance based conditioning, you keep chasing the black belt bullshit thinking that’s what she wants. You tell yourself to “be a stud” rather than just follow your simple and straightforward desire.
Next, once you’ve tracked her and subordinated to a fantasy, you do what all guys do:
- You try to figure it out. You leave your inner knowing and your connection to your heart and body, and you pop into your head to try to figure it out, which translates into leaving our partner behind.
And, wam, this is where she probably feels dropped (if she’s paying attention).
Ouch. These three happen in lightning succession and feels like a punch in the balls right? Enough to make your dick go limp…
But remember, a good woman doesn’t want a black belt. She wants a man who is training and enjoying the ride along the way. She gets that she too is in training. Why would she expect a black belt to take her, if she’s not willing to train to earn her black belt as well?
She wants a real person, not a fantasy. If she wants a fantasy, let her know you’re not playing that game anymore unless you can stay in your heart while acting like someone else.
Let’s just keep it simple about her desire; She wants a heart connection during love-making regardless of what it looks like. And it’s possible you want the same damn thing.
And note; when you go into your pitty-party shame pile, that is not a heart connection.
So, if your goal is a fantasy of how you should be in bed, you will disappoint your partner, and yourself, every, single, time. Especially if you go well beyond the honeymoon phase and get into a real-deal, long-term relationship like marriage. Marriage will crush your sexual identity until you get that you are a life-long student in the bedroom.
WTF is the good news? I’m depressed already…
Below is what I pieced together from my work with my sexual mentors, my wife, my own experience, and my experience with countless male clients over the years that lead to a much more fulfilling sex life:
I call it Erectile Intelligence.
It’s a natural, 16-step, effective treatment for ED laid out as a short list. If anyone wants a deeper dive with what I’ve put together, click here. (This is just the outline).
Skip around if you like, but fellahs, if you miss step 1 you’re fucked. You may as well go rock some Viagra. But if you want to go deeper inside (pun intended) and learn to trust yourself, thus cultivating a strong heart-cock connection with a woman, then read on…
- Trust your cock. When it goes soft on you, listen & respect your cock. Trusting your cock is backwards to nearly all treatment methods for ED, so it’s going to sound a little odd at first. Every single time you lose your erection, trust it brother. It’s your opportunity to heal at a deeper level. It’s also your opportunity to re-wire your brain and body around how you do sex and sexuality. And, trust that this issue is arising in your life to go deeper and grow.
- Relax. Believe it or not, this situation is workable. You can do this with proper guidance and support. Keep relaxing. Freaking out and shutting down long-term typically doesn’t help. It’s totally okay for you to be losing your erection. Seriously. Give yourself permission to lose your erection.
- Take responsibility for what’s happening. Pretending like you don’t have this issue, if you do, is delaying your own sexual enjoyment. The sooner you accept this issue and acknowledge it, the sooner you move past shame and into a place of empowerment. I know, I too tried to hide for a long while. Eventually I cracked. It feels like shit to hide from a woman, and more importantly from myself.
- Face the shame and learn from it. Turn toward shame. It’s not an ugly beast. It’s just energy moving through your body that is very, very intense and uncomfortable. And, shame’s job is to get you back to your center, back to your “whole” self. We’re not trying to get rid of shame, we are simply learning to not run from it. Shame’s job is to get you back to your integrity. When you try to be someone else, shame will be there to kick you in the nuts.
- Get help. I’m not talking about Viagra. I never tried that, nor would I. That’s probably a great solution if you want to bypass a huge growth opportunity. Growing ain’t for everyone. No problem there. But for the cats that wanna grow, get support, but tell people you don’t want lame advice. You want advice like this, that’s going to take care of the issue. Much more advice here.
- Connect the deeper layer to your past. When we have some good help, we can see the connection to a deeper wound that needs attention. For example, losing my erection triggers a feeling of deep inadequacy. This is a wound that arose long before my issues with my cock. Therefor, my ED is a not so gentle reminder that I have a deeper level of inadequacy that needs to be addressed. See this as a gift, or be a victim and go home.
- Be seen in your weak spot. It’s actually quite healing to be seen in your most inadequate moment. Why? Because you will find out you’re loved there too. This helps you love you there also. Repeat step 5. Get help from someone who can truly see you here. Join a group like cock talk and start getting real. Stop hiding.
- Pause & reconnect to yourself. Typically the moment I start to go soft, it’s a sign I’m losing my connection to my body and myself. The moment I notice it, I stop. I tell my partner that I need to pause for a moment. Listen and stay curious. Back to step 1.
- Don’t try to override your cock (and notice when you do). It will be tempting here to override what’s happening. My guess is that you’ve tried that and it doesn’t really work, nor is it sustainable. Losing your erection is a sign that you are likely a super sensitive human being like me. If you try to over-ride your sensitivity, your ED will stay the same or get worse. Remember, your cock is in charge. No need to pretend something’s not happening, because it is. Just own up to what’s occurring—back to step 2 & 3.
- Stay connected to your partner as much as possible. Sometimes, it will be hard for you to do step 6 without losing connection to your partner. Sometimes that’s fine. Other times it’s not okay. Talk openly with your partner and experiment with both. Eventually what you are going for is to stay present and available to yourself and her throughout your cock’s ebbs and flows.
- Hit the reset button If you’ve gone soft and already paused, try relaxing, and hitting the re-set button. This can happen moments later or hours later. I trust that message now and I pause, listen, then re-connect to myself and my partner. Once I’ve connected to myself again, I can zoom way out. You might try starting over and putting some clothes back on to help with the re-set. Back to foreplay. Re-engage with her.
- Slow the fuck down. My pace was rushed most of the time. If you learn to slow yourself down to a pace that’s in alignment with your heart and cock and her heart and body, you and your partner will begin to experience a whole new landscape of sexuality together. The general pace of my nervous system in life has been fast and rushed, therefore sex was always “hurry up and get in there!” Now, I’m slowing down. It’s confronting, new, fresh, uncomfortable, and scary at times. If I am really present, my cock wants me to go S L O W. My cock wants to feel a connection to my heart.
- Drop your agenda of ejaculation and/or intercourse. Repeat. Drop your biological man-goal. You’re not an animal. You’re not living in the stone ages trying to keep your genetic line alive. You are a human animal and there’s another human being with a heart in front of you. Just because you want to make the little man puke because it feels good, doesn’t mean you have to. I know, it might be challenging at first, but the new way is to dance in the moment to moment mystery. Still a tricky one for me.
- See the other side. If at any point on the ride, I’m not able to re-connect to myself and my partner because I’m being overtaken with shame or humiliation, or grief or rage, I stop entirely and get to work. On what? I stack up 100 benefits to me losing my erection until I can see that this issue is helping me get back in my balls and heart. Despite what you believe, your cock has your back. Stack up the benefits until you can clearly see it. Get back to step 1 of trusting your cock.
- Stop the performance game. Yup. This could be an entire post in itself.ED is helping you move past your issues around performance. No matter how “hard” you try here, you will NOT be able to out perform this one. If you are like most men you have often gotten love, approval, and validation through your performance efforts. You get a black belt in sex, you train, year after year. You don’t just get your black belt at 18 when you become sexually active. In fact, most “boys” stay that way their whole life sexually for a number of reasons (another blog post).
- Reframe this whole sexual issue from “dysfunction” to health & intelligence.
Stop buying into the medical model of dysfunction. It’s complete and utter bullshit. Losing your erection is a sign of health. That’s right. Contrary to popular belief, your body is working!
This whole issue has grown my sexual range and perspective.
For dudes who lose their erection, take the view that sex is a crucible. Seriously. It’s a place to grow and learn in wonderment. It’s a place to burn through shame and love deeper.
By trusting my cock, I have unwound years of tension, anxiety, and performance-based patterning in my own male body.
If you want to receive your cock’s message and reap the massive growth opportunity, it will be both frustrating and wild, as you learn new ways to be with your body and your sexuality.
A new template will begin to replace the old one. New doors to your sexuality will open and new edges will be explored.
The cock is very wise, like Yoda between your legs…
But, you are not Yoda.
You are in training, like Luke. Training until you and Yoda become one over time (Still a work in progress over here…)
I like to take the view that I am a white belt in training. I relax and stop trying to be a black belt when it might take me a while to get there.
And, guess what?
The thing about black belts is they are human too. They fall down. They stumble. They lose fights, they make mistakes on their way to getting the next belt or next stripe. And, they realize there is always more to learn.
When I jump in the sack with my woman, I still risk losing my erection. Yup it may happen tomorrow. Who knows?
And, I may cringe. I may get concerned. A wave of fear might rush through me….Then, I will remember what I’ve learned. Ahhh. Slow down. Right. Trust. Oh yeah cock, you are trying to help me get connected again… Thank you.
Going soft is less of a big deal now. I see it as health instead of pathology. It’s simply feedback my body is giving me to slow down, get present, and connect.
Now, perhaps we can rename erectile dysfunction (ED)to “erectile intelligence” (EI).
That’s how it is for me.
Thank you Cock!
Together, we are on our way to a deeper, more fulfilling sex life.
An version of this also appeared at JaysonGaddis.com
Want to take a deeper dive and really learn How to Get Rid Of Erectile Dysfunction in 30 Days? Click here.