Any woman wanting to connect more deeply with her man—so he’ll want to make love with her and not just “have sex”—needs to understand the hidden vulnerability which is probably lurking under his mask of confidence: his fear of failure, of falling short of being the man he thinks he should be, whatever his own inner reality tells him. Then she’ll know to offer him the reassurance he needs to risk opening up with her from his deepest, most tender place, his inner Garden of Eden he was banished from a millennia ago for being tempted by the snake of lust, and by the woman who embodied it, then into the “sin” of expressing his sensual nature.
This may feel deeply counterintuitive for many women, if they are used to being on the defensive with men, to assuming that men are “the problem” and just need to get ourselves sorted out, to do the right things for all to be well between the genders. But it’s also realistic to frame men in a different way, most like hurt and insecure children, on the defensive against everyone, especially women, because at heart we don’t feel safe, valued, or “enough.”
Cut off from the delights of the sensuality which is a deep and central part of himself, a man lives in an inner wilderness, secretly hoping to meet his Eve again, but also resentful of her. Because it seems to him that, although it was her fault he was ejected from the Garden, she appears to be back inside. When he meets her, which he does when we meets every woman in his life, he’s disappointed to find out she can only help him visit Paradise for short periods before he’s excluded again. Even though she keeps trying to tell him the only way he can live in their shared heaven again is through him reconnecting with the “feminine” emotional side of himself.
Our Inner Eden is where tears as well as laughter, love and making love, all originate.
A place of feelings and authenticity that few men dare to enter. We’ve been told from an early that a “real” man, a safe man, must stay away from there. But it’s only by daring to experience vulnerability and the openness of being in touch with my feelings (not just the ones our inner censor tell us are “acceptable” for a real man) and sharing them, that I can begin to hear, and tune into, a woman’s inner reality. Including her need to trust and feel safe with me, a feeling that will increase for her the more she sees I have entered my inner “Garden of Love.”
We men are always searching for the gate to happiness that we assume we’ll find outside ourselves and meanwhile, will use whatever means we can find to escape our cold isolation. Sometimes attacking others out of anger, or numbing ourselves to pain. We’re desperate to enter a woman’s “garden,” but afraid of the power it gives her to reject or eject us The thought of that is more than we can stand, so we try to lure her out where we can capture and hold her, trick her with all sorts of stories, or sometimes try to harm her in revenge.
But many women know there is a key hidden in most men’s hearts which will let us accept and celebrate our full selves, not just the narrow concept of masculinity, which is slowly but surely making us “unbalanced” and dangerous to ourselves and those we love, rather than the protectors and inspirers who, at some level, we know we can be. Whether it’s “fair” or not, it’s probably women who have to take the initiative in helping us find that key.
Many men may seem too locked up to be able to make this change, but the truth is most of us are eager to be set free…especially as we get older. With the right encouragement from the right women, we’ll be ready and able to escape the “man box” and reenter Eden, meet our Eve again, then reconcile with her and the serpent, eating as many apples together as we want this time (without getting indigestion, of course.)
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