Michael Kasdan explores what this rape-by-hazing says about boys and masculinity . . . and ourselves.
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It has been a really bad couple of weeks for boys in my home state of New Jersey.
In mid-September my home town was rocked by the report of a female high school teacher who was accused of sexually assaulting three of her 15 year old students.
Earlier this month, the incredibly disturbing story of hazing meets sexual abuse emerged from the small town of Sayreville, NJ.
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Then last week, the incredibly disturbing story of hazing meets sexual abuse emerged from the small town of Sayreville, NJ. The gut-wrenching allegations are that upperclassman players on the high school football team at Sayreville War Memorial High School have been hazing freshman teammates. But the term “hazing” doesn’t quite do what was happening justice. According to media reports:
“It would start with a howling noise from a senior football player at Sayreville War Memorial High School, and then the locker room lights were abruptly shut off.
Don’t like ads? Become a supporter and enjoy The Good Men Project ad freeIn the darkness, a freshman football player would be pinned to the locker room floor, his arms and feet held down by multiple upperclassmen. Then, the victim would be lifted to his feet while a finger was forced into his rectum. Sometimes, the same finger was then shoved into the freshman player’s mouth.”
This was “pervasive” and “widespread” behavior. According to reports, this was happening in the locker room nearly every day, with many students participating, others watching, and nobody doing anything about it. A criminal investigation is now underway, and so far seven of the players – aged 15 to 17 – have been charged with sexual assault.
In the wake of the allegations, which were brought by a parent of a freshman player, the District Superintendent announced that he was canceling the remainder of the school’s football season. In his remarks, he indicated that none of the coaching staff had been aware of what was going on, and that “this behavior was accepted and tolerated by the players.” To date, the coach, George Najjar, has not spoken or released a statement.
This is a viscerally shocking and disturbing story. It’s uncomfortable. And we must not look away. We must not shrug is off as ‘boys being boys’ gone a bit too far. Because this is not an isolated incident. It is no small deal.
According to MaleSurvivor Executive Director Christopher Anderson, the number of boys facing this kind of sexual assault is much higher than we realize and much higher than we want to think about, and our ‘boys will be boys’ dismissal of the harm being done to our children only condones more abuse and creates more victims among our boys.
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The first thing that shocked me about this story was that it happened at all: Why would boys engage in this kind of behavior? How on earth can this happen? And how often does this happen?
Why would boys engage in this kind of behavior? How on earth can this happen? And how often does this happen?
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First, we should be clear what we’re talking about when we say “this kind of behavior.” This is not appropriately characterized merely as “hazing” or “hazing of a sexual nature.” It’s rape. The holding down of another person and forcibly penetrating them. Yes, it occurred as part of a football team hazing program and it is boys acting against other boys, but – if the allegations are true – it is rape just the same.
Why would boys engage in this type of behavior, and how can this happen?
There are serious questions to be answered, both regarding the supervision by the school and coaches, as well as the social construct under which the high school boys participated in and allowed this behavior to go on unchecked, apparently for years.
The school and coaches are being investigated. Clearly, if the allegations are correct about how long and how often this was going on in the locker room, there was a systematic failure of supervision. If the allegations are proved out, there must be accountability in Sayreville, at both the institutional (grown-up) and individual (player) levels.
On a broader level, we must also seek to understand and address the cause of this kind of behavior in boys, in us. How is social order asserted and maintained? Well, this is one way. Through violence, abuse, and humiliation.
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But trying to figure out how the players got away with doing this for so long – and why no one found out and no one said anything – is only the first question we need to answer. On a broader level, we must also seek to understand and address the cause of this kind of behavior in boys, in us.
The social power dynamics of groups are complex – this is true in general and especially in teenagers. How is social order asserted and maintained?
Well, this is one way. Through violence, abuse, and humiliation. The human failings that we see in our own society and history are the very same ones that are being mirrored in these children, these teenage boys. That’s scary.
Hazing is a power play. And it’s an ugly self-reinforcing cycle. Those who were once victims ascend to the role of alpha males, where they get to inflict harms on a new set of victims, and put their own victimhood behind them. And so on and so forth. Wash, rinse, repeat.
Hazing on sports and in fraternities is often defended by its perpetrators as a “rite of passage,” a way of developing character, solidarity, and proving one’s mettle. This view has been correctly criticized. What was going on in the Sayreville locker room was not an exercise in character building. It was an exercise in asserting dominance over victims; it was an exercise in abuse.
Indeed hazing has more aptly has been described – in the context of tragic deaths or injuries from fraternity hazing incidents – as rites of passage gone wrong. Plainly put, hazing is bullying, and can result in tragic physical or psychological harms.
The sexual aspect to the hazing at first seems impossible to comprehend. But a deeper look provides some clues. As some have explained, violating someone sexually is a terrifyingly effective way to assert dominance over a victim. The emasculation and humiliation of being held down and penetrated against one’s will, will strip any man of his power, and clearly place them at the bottom of the social order.
How often does this happen?
In the aftermath of this year’s NFL bullying scandal and what we know about the machismo of locker rooms, it would be easy to make assumptions that this type of bullying is endemic in football locker rooms. But is it?
Most of what we know is anecdotal, but some of the data indicates that it happens more often that we may realize and acknowledge on football teams and in fraternities.
For example, allegations in an action brought in 2011 against AEPi and UC Davis detail “hazing rituals” like “ratfucking,” where members were “forced to undress in front of the group while members touched his penis and made sexual comments.”
In 2013 there were over a dozen reports involving high school boys who had sodomized other boys with foreign objects, with over forty victims. One study published in the Journal of Youth and Adolescence has claimed that nearly 10 percent of high school males report suffering some form of sexual assault including, in some cases, forced oral sex or rape. According to Mary Madden, former co-director of National Collaborative for Hazing Research and Prevention:
“More and more we’re seeing this among male high-school athletes, where this is their mode of hazing: some kind of sexual assault that involves anal penetration. We don’t know if it’s getting more severe, or whether it’s just getting discovered more often.”
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The second deeply shocking aspect here was the reaction of the parents to the cancellation of the Sayreville football season.
On the field, Sayreville’s football program had a winning tradition, bringing home the state championship in three of the past four years. In the wake of the cancellation announcement, many expressed the view that canceling the season was unnecessary, referring to past hazing incidents that were investigated while the season was allowed to continue.
Sayreville Superintendent, Richard Labbe, did the right thing here. And he did it for the right reasons. Labbe recognized that the first priority is to put accountability on the community for such vile bullying:
“We can set the standard right now for all kids for all school districts in Middlesex County, in the state and in the nation that we are not going to stand around and allow kids to do this to one another. We are going to start holding our students responsible for doing the right thing and reporting these kinds of behaviors. I believe with every fiber of my body that the only way we are going to stop bullying is if we get the kids to go to an adult or to the authorities.”
Many parents disagreed.
According to reports, a large group of parents at the Board meeting where cancellation was announced vocally disagreed with the decision. One mother stated: “I’ve never seen so much dedication out of my son, and I want him to play the rest of this season,” to a roar of applause. Another parent said the alleged incidents may involve nothing more than a player “getting tapped on the butt by one of his teammates.” Another reportedly said “What you’re saying is harassment is them playing around,” adding that “when it comes to football in Sayreville, we protect each other.” Still another parent reportedly said that her son had “taken his knocks” as a freshman, and now, as a junior, was being penalized again by canceling his football season.
We’re also seeing comments on social media like this: “Still feel the program should not have been shut down, the victims are also being punished. So now they get to be victims again.”
Equally – and perhaps more disturbing – are some of statements made by the high schoolers themselves. According to a Sports Illustrated article, one senior said “It happens at all the schools, it’s just that it happened to leak out. Why don’t you go to the next town over where the same thing’s happening? You can write a report on that.” Another student remarked “You know boys, they play around with each other, but come on. We’ve got the best football team in Middlesex County. That stuff doesn’t happen here.” Many of these comments have strong overtones of the insidious “boys will be boys” refrain, a way of thinking that excuses bad behaviors and undermines the seriousness of wrongs.
Meanwhile, those that had the courage to ultimately speak up about the incident to the authorities and the school have remained anonymous, in part out of fear of retaliation.
Parents being upset over the season being canceled? As a mirror of what we want our society to look like, and what we should and must be teaching our children, this is precisely and pathetically backwards. Let’s get our priorities straight.
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As a mirror of what we want our society to look like, and what we should and must be teaching our children, this is precisely and pathetically backwards.
Let’s get our priorities straight.
This is a community that is reeling from a terrible abuse worked by teammates upon teammates, by students upon students, by boys upon boys. That comes first. And second. And third. We need accountability, education, love, and healing.
Football?
High school football games? (Yes, even a game that could lead to scholarships for some).
A dominant high school football program?
That all takes a back-seat.
If these are the values that are flowing from this football program and community and this is the behavior that is- tacitly or otherwise – condoned and unleashed out into the world, no football game is going to matter.
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Our initial inclination when we read about this story is to recoil in disgust. That’s understandable.
But we shouldn’t look away. We shouldn’t minimize its seriousness or write it off as “kids playing around.” We shouldn’t make excuses or cloak this behavior in the garb of “rites of passage.”
We can’t do that.
Because that’s not true.
Our initial inclination when we read about this story is to recoil in disgust. We can’t do that.
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Look at this.
This is happening – in our colleges, in our high schools, in our communities.
It is on us – as parents, as educators, as members of our communities – to do our best to understand the dynamics that lead to this behavior and to do everything in our power to put an end to these abuses.
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For additional Good Men Project Sports coverage of this issue, see:
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Salon.com, A Nation of Sayrvevilles: Why locker room sexual assault is all too common, by Michael Kasdan (reprint of this article)
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The Good Men Project, With Football and Hazing, History Repeats Itself, by Brian Patrick Harmon
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BBC News, ‘It’s rape’: Sayreville High School players face charges of abusive hazing, citing and quoting Michael Kasdan of The Good Men Project.
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The Good Men Project, How Many More Sayrevilles?, by Michael Kasdan
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Photo Credit: Flickr Creative Commons/flattop341
Nowhere, nowhere in any of the reporting I’ve read on this situation has the word ‘porn’ come up. I was hoping that the Good Men Project would bring this up. I grew up in the town next to Sayreville, so this story feels a bit personal. I read in a recent media report that the kind of sexual violence that occurred in Sayreville was ‘eerily similar’ to incidents in other parts of the country. There is NOTHING ‘eerie’ about it. Kids (boys in particular) are growing up on a steady diet of porn. They are using porn to the degree… Read more »
Also, I wanted to highlight this other comment (also from the Salon re-post of this article). We re-printed it as our Comment of the Day yesterday. Our actions, our inactions, our words, our actions. Kids notice. That’s how it perpetuates….
https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/comment-day-nation-viewed-population-bully-gmp/
Thank you for sharing that well-stated and troubling comment Bill.
Read the comments here and on Salon has been incredible. Looking at the horror of this story and others like it is what we need to do. We should be disgusted. Hopefully digust leads to steps towards change.
As has been pointed out in another GMP topic, Michael’s OP is also featured at Salon (under a different title): http://www.salon.com/2014/10/14/a_nation_of_sayrevilles_why_locker_room_sexual_assault_is_all_too_common_partner/ Among the comments is the following post from DustinF: This is what our football culture gets us. The same thing has happened in the area where I live twice in the past year. One kid was sodomized with a broomstick. another with a drum stick. The latter had his colon ruptured and now has to carry a colostomy bag. Neither story has been widely reported, and the offenders were just kicked off the football team. They weren’t disciplined in… Read more »
All I can say is God help the weak, odd and gay kids at that school if this is what the “jocks” do to each other.
You can try to be politically correct, but you’ll never escape the racial angle of this case.
Parents–you should be ashamed of your sons and yourselves for the way you raised your sons that participated in this. Am I sorry your football season has been cancelled–no way! What is important in life? I hope the perpetrators pay dearly!
It’s weird how it takes maybe 5 older guys to violate 1 younger guy, but then they think they’re the bad asses. F*cking bunch of cowards probably piss their pants in a fair fight.
Dan – Thanks for your kind words and for taking the time to comment, speak out, and share your story. The dialog is so important as we move towards change.
Bill – Excellent and compelling thoughts.
Thanks both.
The officials did right by disbanding the whole team. There is no “I” in team! The article states that there were plenty of others on the “TEAM” that witnessed these attacks and did absolutely nothing to help their TEAMMATES. That alone makes them conspirators of this very heinous crime. And as for those parents that think FOOTBALL is more important then the wellbeing of children would probably think different if this was their child that this was happening to. Or they just don’t care about their children and only care about the sport and how they could possibly get a… Read more »
I’m reminded of the proverbial messenger of bad news and the proverbial reaction on the part of those who hear the bad news. I’m amazed that some will get upset over Michael’s article while having considerably less outrage, if any, over the grievous injury suffered by young victims of bullying and sexual abuse. Of course, the reaction has often been to ignore or even persecute the victims. All this talk about bullying and sexual abuse is a recent phenomenon. When I was young, bullying in the schools was condoned and even encouraged. Blaming the victim was the common practice. I… Read more »
Michael, As a survivor of rape, yes we need to call it that as men without shame, I can tell you it scars you in so many ways. When I was forcibly held down, beaten and raped I was powerless to defend myself. This caused years of nightmares, suicidal thoughts and attempts and more. There is no defense for this behavior and it needs to be treated as any criminal act. I know many men who had the same thing happen and most won’t talk about it because they feel it infers something about their own masculinity. Thanks for caring… Read more »
It took courage to stand up n say enough is enough, you will all heal in do time. You will all become sucessfull. You are true Heros of sayreville those cowards that did this will all be faced with time behind bars. It was a sick n cruel thing that they did to you guys. God bless each n everyone of you, I will continue to hold you all in my prayers!
David – Thanks so much for your thoughtful comment.
Completely explainable. If you feel empathy and compassion for the victims then I invite you to read “The Sociopath Next Door” by Martha Stout. I was embroiled in a couple of situations driven by these types. More to the point I was clueless that such a person exists let alone the numbers of them.
Lacking in empathy, compassion, remorse, regret, and charming, ruthless, risk seeking bullies. It’s a psychological disorder I wish I had not been ignorant about. But now I know it, there are red flags here.
Full marks to the Head for the measures he is currently taking.
The groupthink that hazing develops and engenders is not limited to those who endure and practice the hazing. As you have noted, and sadly, parents and others are now playing “Follow the loudest voices” This is also reflected in fraternity hazing when alumni step forward to minimize the practices, defend the members (as a group) and then use anecdotal responses to support their arguments as to why hazing isn’t a bad thing–“Look how I turned out!” Thanks, Michael, for your article. Your phrase regarding the maintenance of social order through hazing is spot on. And while we may never know… Read more »
The parents of these boys ought to be horrified rather than defending their sons behavior. Everyone on that team knew what was going on and therefore all are culpable. They don’t deserve to the opportunity to play and potentially be courted by a college. Rape is rape, and this is no exception. Sorry Sayreville football parents. Burying your head in the sand and telling your boys that they didn’t do anything wrong won’t help you if they feel like violating another human in the future. Get ready for prison visits, rather than college weekends !
Thank you, Mrs. Evans! While all involved were victims, all who did not report these acts were also perpetrators. Only the players who stepped forward should be allowed to play football for the rest of the year (though that would affect their anonymity), along with any other students who were not on the team and would like to play football for Sayreville. This would reinforce the concept that winning is not the highest priority in high school sports. I’d say that at least the perpetrators have to live with their consciences for the rest of their life, but many of… Read more »
Jamaal –
Thanks for your comment. Mentorship and camaraderie not abuse.
Makes me wonder where it went wrong there; and where we have.
Hopeful, we can get back there again.
Maybe times have changed. But 20 years ago I was a high school football player at Sayreville H.S. school. I also spent 4 years playing college football at the university of new haven as well. I have never seen or heard of anything like this in any locker room I’ve been in. Our coaches offices at Sayreville were right down hall and we were way too scared of our coaches to even think to do anything out if line especially something like this. I don’t understand this being brushed aside as boys being boys. When I was a senior we… Read more »
Thank you for a thoughtful, well written article. Perhaps, as one young man said, it is happening in other schools, then maybe that explains what happened at Penn State and other schools where this behavior has been tolerated and hidden. No one knows the toll this has taken on those abused or the abuser himself. Being brave enough to bring attention to this problem also means that while it may seem you are anonymous, people at the school somehow always find out and you still did the right thing. Too bad too many did not!
“Meanwhile, those that had the courage to ultimately speak up about the incident to the authorities and the school have remained anonymous” They should remain anonymous. I get what you’re trying to say and I get what Joanna was trying to say in another article where she talks about language and empowering boys to seek help after abuse. I understand what you mean and yet men and boys have always been expected to overcome. I just want to be sure we’re not putting the onus on the victim boys to put an end to the problem. If this has been… Read more »
I don’t know where to begin…as a senior adult these stories sadden me so much, but I must also say to the lad or lads that came to an adult an said “this is happening and it’s wrong” …I am so PROUD of you! The courage and bravery it took to do this speaks volumes of the integrity of these young men…God bless you for having the courage to do so. It must also be an awful burden to have to remain anonymous, but if these ANIMALS would do these unspeakable things for “FUN”, The Lord only knows what the… Read more »
Most important thing that I hope we realize is IS NOT some bizarro deviant exception. We’d like to think it is. And surely not all abuses, hazing, or bullying are this graphically disturbing. But I’m willing to bet that more people than not have stories just like yours and like this one – at least on the same continuum. That’s why we can’t look away. Looking away is already firmly entrenched in our culture. It’s why we say “boys will be boys.” Its why damage like this continues to be done.
Thank you Tsach and Mark. I agree. This story cuts across so much that we need to address in our society about boys and men. Bullying, mean behavior, violence, hazing, rape. And there are two connected stories here – one is that it happened and two are the parents and students who don’t seem to recognize what a big deal it is. This is shocking and disturbing in how graphic and horrible the allegations are but its NOT an isolated incident – how many boys are hurt with this type of behavior and attitude in groups, in schools, in teams,… Read more »
So the serial rapist using institutional power isn’t enough to talk about? If my children were involved I’d be more pissed about the rapist teacher than I would about the hazing on the football team. You guys skip right over the serial rapist and jump on the bullies. These kids should be punished and the issue rooted out but why use this incident as a commentary about men and boys but ignore the incident about an adult serial rapist?
If you read the other comments, you’ll notice that one of our executive editors wrote a very powerful piece about the other issue. There is no either/or – both have been addressed. That was a different article. It does not make this article any less important. This is not bullying. This is rape. And it is not one person committing a crime, it is a culture of rape being accepted as a normal rite of passage. I’m sorry you wouldn’t take this as seriously on behalf of your children, because it can do as much, possibly MORE, psychological damage to… Read more »
Thank you Dixie. You beat me to it.
I think, as a male and a parent of sons, I’m better positioned to say which I would be more concerned about. And as a former varsity athlete in highschool, college athlete and fraternity member I can assure you that this isn’t indicative of a widespread “culture” for men and boys. Unless of course you would also posit that teachers have a culture of serially raping their students? I’d disagree with you but at least we could remain somewhat consistent which is always nice but oh so rare round these parts
How would you feel if a group of thugs overpowered you and one of them forced his finger into your rectum and then forced it into your mouth? You would classify that as “mere bullying”? Just a matter of “Boys will be boys”? It’s enough to make me wonder how you treated other guys in high school and college. I also wonder what sort of punishment you would support for the guilty in this case. Would Saturday detention be too harsh for you?
Bill- I didn’t minimize a damn thing, what happened to those boys is tragic and they need support but it’s not a “culture” or it would have been present in the sports, teams and organizations I have been part of. I merely noted a disturbing trend around here. You have reading comprehension issues. By the way, what did you do to support men and boys over the past year? Did ya wear a ribbon or blog? Want me to go through my list? I’ve helped hundreds of men and women learn to get jobs, I’ve volunteered to coach and lead… Read more »
Oh CeeDubya,
You have no idea how much self restraint you force me to employ.
Why Mark? I didn’t excuse any of the behavior. I didn’t minimalist any of the boys pain or suffering. All I did was apply my own personal experiences and found your Nigh constant accusations of a “culture” of brutality to be bogus. Reading comprehension is lacking around here. I think one problem around here is the way you guys rip on traditional groups and traditionally male groups- fraternities, athletes, churches etc… All are constantly broad brushed and negatively generalized. I, and my friends, found great comradeship in sports, great friends in our fraternities and wonderful spiritual support in churches. Go… Read more »
Ceedubya – If you don’t know, I’m one of the most critical readers of GMP there is. Perhaps on the surface it may appear as you say but in reality, these are critical issues many of us have asked that GMP present and expose. All of the groups you’ve mentioned have not so good things within them. “All” of any one of the groups would be wrong to say but when any segment of all of the groups present an issue, I believe they should be exposed.Note that I said “segment” of these groups. These are situations where men/boys are… Read more »
“…it can do as much, possibly MORE, psychological damage to have your power stripped away by another male.” Whoa! Wait a minute Dixie. Way to try to minimize the horrific damage and destruction that adult female rapists and pedophiles leave in their aftermath. Your sentiment is the reason that male rapists are more severely punished than female rapists because female-perpetrated rape is seen as “less damaging.” Cut it out!!!
CDubya:
The adult serial rapist is another seriously disturbing story. And it has been covered elsewhere.
This piece was intended to be about Sayreville.
I certainly did not intend to “skip right over” that story. We’ve been discussing it in my town for the past month, including the horror of using a position of power to abuse and the wrongheadedness of comments you hear that “these boys aren’t victims because its every fifteen year old’s dream to have sex with a female teacher.” Its another line of thinking that is deeply harmful to boys.
Well said Michael. We can’t cover every thing in every story. You’ve done a fantastic job of covering this very emotive and sensitive piece.