Many years ago, Ellen DeGeneres made a (bad but weirdly hilarious) movie called Mr. Wrong.
In it she played a successful single gal who finds herself under pressure to find a relationship once her younger sister gets married. When a handsome, sensitive, wealthy poet, played (at first) charmingly by Bill Pullman suddenly comes into her life, she can hardly believe her luck.
But you already know what happens next.
Mr. (or Ms.) Wrong is usually the one who sweeps you off of your feet with the seemingly perfect package; the early days of this whirlwind are so heady they are almost enough to sustain you when it inevitably goes over a cliff and crashes into a fireball.
Courtship is an entirely different skill set than actual relationships, and what Mr. Wrong will teach you is that the guy who has all those grand romantic gestures upfront is not necessarily the guy who will get up in the middle of the night with the colicky baby when you have the flu.
Romance, as gorgeous and alluring as it is, is not love.
But Mr. (or Ms.) Wrong has “all the right moves”, as they say. While you are caught up in their passion play, so to speak, you don’t want to acknowledge to yourself or to them that this is not a sustainable reality. You want the magical dream of your perfect self and the perfect partner to go on and on.
Except it doesn’t, because that’s not love.
Mr. Right, on the other hand, might not have time (at first) to orchestrate a mountaintop picnic with champagne under the stars because…um…he’s got a life.
Mr. Right might have deadlines or his cousin’s wedding or his best friend’s birthday party to attend, so you might not get his undivided attention.
He’s got a job and friends and family and he is not looking for a relationship to fill his time or relieve him of boredom or bolster his lagging self-esteem.
That probably doesn’t sit well with everybody, and this is why Mr. (or Ms.) Wrong is so damned successful in manipulating our hearts. Not only have we been sold the drop-everything-and-run-into-each-other’s-arms narrative by Hollywood and steamy novels, today’s instant access technology means it is easier than ever to be bewitchingly attentive and publicly demonstrative about our latest “love.” But the cliché that the more people post online about their relationships the shakier they are doesn’t just apply to established couples.
If someone is serious about you, they don’t want to put you or the relationship in a fishbowl or under a spotlight. It should be about getting to know each other with respectful parameters and the kind of privacy that will foster actual intimacy. As much of a rush as it can be when someone seems in a rush to claim you, Mr. (or Ms.) Right is willing to be patient every time.
Love is like that.
One of the hallmarks of a Mr. (or Ms.) Wrong is that they are blissfully compliant. They want to do what you want to do, and like what you like, and WOW! We must be SOULMATES or something!
Or maybe, just maybe, they are waving a great big red flag you are willfully ignoring.
I’m not saying you and your future partner should not or will not have a lot in common; I am saying that a person who does not appear to have separate interests or preferences is most likely lying, or possibly some kind of droid. Do you have ANYONE in your life you agree with all the time? Of course not, which is why it’s so amusing that we fall for this tactic when Mr. Wrong pulls it over on us.
Mr. Right will still want to go to the ball game with his buddies, even if you hate sports. He will also encourage you to attend the ballet, even if he doesn’t want to. Mr. Right is secure in himself and doesn’t need to be your “Yes Man”; also has zero interest in making you his “Yes Woman.”
Merging lives should never mean morphing into each other. That’s just creepy. Oh, and totally unhealthy.
The problem is, a lot of people have been sold this idea of what love should look like on the surface, and Mr. (or Ms.) Wrong knows it is a seller’s market; buyers don’t want the practical ranch they can afford, they want the clifftop mansion with the pool and the views. Which is totally understandable except at the end of the day you’ve got to be able to live with this thing, and while practical may not sound sexy, high-maintenance can be even less so.
Real love feels safe and grounded and sustainable.
That’s not to say Mr. Right doesn’t have a few tricks up his sleeve; on the contrary, his independence and willingness to let you be yourself are magnetic qualities. He encourages you in your healthy relationships, supports you in your work and trusts you to know what is best for you. He can handle constructive criticism and make adjustments and communicate honestly.
Again, it may not sound sexy but trust me, it is.
In fact, you can trust HIM. That’s the key and fundamental difference between a Mr. Wrong and a Mr. Right. Trust is actually the sexiest thing going, because in trust there is implicit respect. In respect there is implicit admiration.
In trust and respect and admiration lies true love, vulnerability and intimacy.
Mr. (or Ms.) Wrong may say all of the “right” things, but Mr. Right does right by you every time. Love is like that. It isn’t moody or capricious, it just is.
When love is right, it just is.
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Photo by One Wedding on Unsplash