For the first time in my 29 years on this earth, I’ve connected with a fellow human being in a romantic way.
Yet this debut relationship comes with endless questions — I’m a recovering perfectionist, so I want to do this right. I care for this person, for him, and I don’t want to ruin it with something I could have (should have?) known better.
So when I felt the urge to tell him “Hab dich lieb”, which is German for ‘I am fond of you’ or ‘I adore you’, I didn’t know whether to just, you know… say it.
Chicken that I am, I remained silent.
When I finally dared to bring it up, he assured me that I should never worry about saying anything that is true to me. And yes, he is very fond of me, too.
Alright. Nice.
Not so difficult after all, eh?
Far from it — since a few days later, when he sent me a goodnight voice message, he slipped up. Instead of “Hab dich lieb” (I’m fond of you), he said “Lieb dich” (I love you).
He followed it up immediately with a second voice message that consisted of nothing but “Hab dich auch lieb!” (I’m fond of you, too!), so I decided that I’m allowed to process it in peace, aka ignoring it.
Which was a sound strategy for two entire days, during which I found myself realizing a shocking truth: Yes, I want to say it back.
You see, I have NEVER said the l-word to anyone who is not a dear friend or a family member. What’s more, I suck at processing and verbalizing my feelings (thanks, childhood and adult trauma). So me wanting to say these words to him and mean it… that’s surreal.
Ever the writer, my masterplan was to wait until we saw each other in person again, since we’re in two different cities at the moment. And then, once the time is right, I’d say “I love you, too”.
As you can probably guess, it didn’t work that way.
What happened was that, during our nightly video chat two days after his voice message slip-up, he once again said “Ich lieb dich” instead of “Hab dich lieb”.
He was mid-wave and immediately froze.
A beat later, he added the tamer version, obviously nervous.
By this point, my insides were melting. I grinned and said, after a deliberate pause: “Love you, too.”
We both beamed widely at each other, then parted for the night and I spent the next half hour giddily badgering my close friends with updates.
***
If this were a movie or even a story that I am writing, it would be time to fade out and imagine our protagonists living happily ever after (or at least as long as the relationship holds).
Since this is my life, the uncertainty returned.
The email I wrote to my best friend sums it up best, I think:
We didn’t really talk about it the next day, though (is there a protocol? are there best practices??? where’s the user manual for relationships???) But I did say it again in a voice message, to underline that yup, I mean it.
The next time we video called, he brought up how happy he is that I went from “Hab dich lieb” to “Ich lieb dich”… so yeah. We’re on the same page and… it feels very natural and comfy?
My friend’s reply followed about twelve hours later in the form of an email without any content.
Well, except for…
A docx-file titled “manual for relationships”.
When you open it, this is what greets you:
Do what feels good and right. For you and the relationship.
BAM. Mic drop.
***
When I dared imagine something like a ‘manual’ for relationships, I pictured a long listicle involving anything from “Communicate openly!” to “Take time for yourself when needed”.
I envisioned a long-ish document reminding me to listen closely, to remain open-minded, and to put in the effort to ensure the relationship succeeds.
Yet all it takes, apparently, are eleven words.
Do what feels good and right. For you and the relationship.
It’s such a short but powerful principle. You’re more than a single individual now, you’re a team. Only what fits both your life and the relationship will be the “right” way. If these clash, I guess you could argue that a compromise that will allow you to maintain the relationship is good and right for me, too.
That is if it feels good and right.
***
The lesson to take from this
Or, in the very least, the lesson I take from this: The only one who can determine how to navigate a relationship that you are a part of is YOU.
Only you will know when you feel comfortable to say “I love you”, or when it’s time to meet the family or your closest friends.
Only you will know when it’s time to say yes, let’s move in together! Or when to adopt a cat. Or a goldfish — you get the gist.
Let’s hope I can take this lesson to heart and stop worrying whether I’m doing this correctly.
As long as it feels good to me, I’m on the right track.
—
This post was previously published on Medium.
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Photo credit: JOSHUA COLEMAN on Unsplash