My eleven year-old came into my room the other night at bedtime to say “goodnight.” While doing so, he began to explain to me, voice shaking, how upset he was over his teacher possibly placing his name on the “wall of shame” in his classroom because my son couldn’t do an assignment. Life circumstances (none of his doing) coinciding with human error (his doing) made this reality so.
Unprepared for this moment, I used most of it to comfort him. However, when he left for his room later on, I knew that there was more that needed to be said. Something was nagging at me and I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. I decided to mull it over while sleeping and resume the conversation the next morning, before school.
I woke up clear in my head. Saving my words for our ride to school, I began to dive into the situation again while backing my truck out of the garage. This is what I said:
“Honey, regarding your being afraid to go to school today because you might be put on the wall…I would be more afraid if you were never ‘put on the wall’. Sometimes, we all end up on the wall. Like when we make mistakes simply because we are human. Or when the importance of something continues to go amiss. Or even when we choose to stand up for our beliefs, challenging those of others.
In all these instances, we could be put on the wall, justifiably or not. That said, I’d be more worried if you were never put on the wall because, frankly, it would say to me that you are trying too hard to be both perfect and live up to everything everyone else wants you to be and frankly that isn’t healthy.
You need to own your own mind (and actions), always. Not doing so will make you sick — mentally, emotionally, and physically. And that’s not worth the worry of your name being thrown up on a wall. Be your own person. Don’t be disrespectful and don’t make being ‘put on the wall’ a habit. But don’t fear being put up there either as fear is more destructive any day than shame. Fear keeps you from action. It prevents you from learning about all that you were meant to become. Shame (in this instance, specifically) denotes effort, growth, and sometimes even courage given it arises in a way not meant to truly harm another.”
My son understood. Being satisfied with what I had told him, I ushered him off to school and wished him a great day. A few hours later, at 3pm, he jumped back in the truck and told me what had happened. “Were you put on the wall?” I asked.
“No,” he said. “I told my teacher the truth and he didn’t put me on the wall. Instead, he told me that I was a very smart kid.” Not only was I impressed with how my son, ultimately, chose to handle this situation, but I was also really impressed with his teacher too.
With so many people today facing daily placement on “walls of shame” constructed by all types of people for all kinds of reasons, this story serves as an important reminder that, although all of these walls serve a purpose, that purpose may not actually be what each wall was originally intended for. Never allow these walls to ‘box you in’, rather raise you up to be the best YOU that you can be…the best YOU that society can hope for and benefit from.
It is something that we all need to remember and remind each other of, I believe.
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Previously Published on medium
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