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Well, I hope the headline grabbed you.
A relationship that started casually a few years ago has blossomed in the last few weeks, and while it feels great, I am aware of how close I am to derailing it, consciously or subconsciously.
I’m not trying to write some kind of mush to show you how lucky I am and to get some reflected glory, but rather trying to put into words some of the challenges my actions and attitudes are creating.
I have always drifted into relationships with women, tending to make friends with them rather than lovers. In my teens I was scared of rejection, in later decades – my 20s, 30s, 40s, – I managed to achieve rejection a few times, but still the feeling that I wanted to be with someone never died. I was surprised that around the beginning of my sixth decade I was still single.
Three years ago, I met a woman at a party.
I was asked to speak to her because her mother who was visiting was also there and she only spoke Spanish. I was the only other person at the party apart from the two of them with more than a few words of the language. Although I was there to put the mother at ease, I was attracted to the daughter.
She was the first woman I met after I’d made a mental pact with myself to stop letting these opportunities pass. I was living a solitary life and picturing myself like various unmarried spinster and bachelor relatives in the generation above me – great personalities, full of wit and compassion, but approaching old age alone.
After a couple of weeks’ hesitation, I called her, and we met a few times for coffee and drinks. She’s of a Latin American background; I’m of Hiberno-English stock. I’m now 51, she’s 45. I’ve never married – never had a relationship that’s gone for more than a year; she was with the same man for 20 years until he cheated on her, and has two children aged 11 and 20. She hasn’t been involved with anyone since.
She is beautiful and vivacious, strong, dedicated to her family, funny, intelligent. And beautiful. Did I say that already? I believe myself to be energetic, intelligent, not the most handsome, but with a dynamic personality, passion for ideals and a creative sense of humour.
Then I got a job that took me to another continent. It wasn’t well-paid but it was meaningful and idealistic. When I had “that conversation” before I left, she told me that I shouldn’t hold out for her; if I met someone I liked I should go with them.
And that’s where the problems started.
Since that moment, I moved her from “possible” to “unlikely” in my mental filing system. She went into the same category with the others I had blamed in the past for rejecting me, some of whom I had rejected shrewdly in advance before they could do it to me.
For the next 18 months, I misread every WhatsApp message and every kiss emoji she sent me as the product of cultural differences. Or as pity. I responded with cold enthusiasm.
I managed a few visits home, more than I had expected, and we always saw each other. We laughed and enjoyed ourselves, but it never got any further forward than the first six months when we were on the same continent. I’d leave with a brief hug and peck on the cheek and then bang the steering wheel with my fist wondering why everything was so frustrating.
Then I went back home in December for four weeks. Before I travelled, she messaged me saying how much she was looking forward to spending time with me. We met on my first day back and then the next day, and then we went to dance salsa! She looked incredible. I knew all the men were eyeing her up and all the women envying her, but I still kept her at arms’ length. (Not on the dancefloor – you know what I mean.)
Over the next three weeks, she worked like a Trojan to break down my barriers. She kissed me. She held my hand. She made public demonstrations of affection. She hinted that there was more to come, and I just turned a blind eye.
I was full of the conviction that she couldn’t possibly be interested.
On my final full day, I arranged for us to go to a favourite beauty spot of mine, thinking of it as romantic. It is. Beautiful location. And I’d been there enough to know all the cool things to do. Even though she’d been openly suggesting we come up with a “Plan B”, I decided that this was the best we could do.
In the car on the way back, she told me that her idea of a Plan B was to spend the day in bed. Just simply to love each other. Because it would be a long time before we’d be together again.
I was speechless. And then I tried to explain. And then to justify. And then, with a vague glimmer of wisdom, I decided to shut up. She explained that she’d been hinting indirect because she was waiting for me to be more secure with her and more daring. Why was I so timid, she asked?
Some of it is definitely cultural. My family never demonstrated affection. We love each other, but we don’t touch. Then there’s the thing about not getting over previous relationships that didn’t go my way. I always made a big deal about them, and even though I look back with happy memories, I keep the hurt and rejection at the top. It’s not even selfishness – it’s not as sophisticated as that – it’s just a knee-jerk reaction to keep myself apart.
I know she was puzzled, but, she said, we could still try again when I’m next on leave. In April, she said. Probably, she said.
So, I’ve probably got three months. Not to get obsessive, but to try to prepare myself to act like a mature compassionate human being. The fear is there, of both rejection and closeness. But so is the hope.
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