Heather Gray gets real: No strings attached sex cuts the strings attached between you and your boyfriend.
I have a boyfriend of three years. We both love each other a lot and have been in a long distance relationship ever since we started dating. We meet once every 5-6 months and have a decent sex life. But lately, there’s a sudden increase in my sex drive and I wish my boyfriend lived in the same city as mine so we could have sex more often.
It wasn’t too long ago that I met a guy through mutual friends at a club, started talking and before I realized we were in bed together. Ever since then, we’ve been seeing each other almost every Friday evening after work for sex. I don’t have feelings for him and neither does he but we just want to have sex with each other all the time. No strings attached absolutely!
My friends always moralize me about how I am cheating on my boyfriend but I have never felt the guilt and shame because it’s just sex for me. Period.
I love my boyfriend even now and nothing has changed between us and I don’t intend on telling him about this because it simply doesn’t mean anything more than sex to me. I don’t want to lose him.
I read in one of your articles that women easily get bored of monogamy and I think that’s my problem. Before I met this new guy I had had sex only with my boyfriend and it sort of bothered me not knowing how it felt with another man.
‘Recent research conducted by Meredith Chivers, PhD, of Queen’s University shows that females are naturally as desiring of sex as men and more easily bored by monogamy.’
Am I weird and promiscuous or a nymph? What should I do? I simply want to do things that make me happy and this does. But I can’t continue this way, can I?
Hey there, Not so Guilty,
So, you’ve been together for 3 years and have only been able to see him 9 times or so? I am not sure that this is so much about your ability to be monogamous as it is a symptom that a long distance relationship isn’t working for you. After all, you’ve been pretty monogamous with your Friday date. You’re not choosing a different guy every week and you said it yourself, if your boyfriend lived closer to you, you’d be wanting to have sex with him!
It’s normal to not be satisfied with only having sex a few times out of the year. Your sex drive may not have even increased but clearly your patience in waiting for your boyfriend has decreased.
That’s the real issue here. If you want to continue with your boyfriend and imagine your future with him, you have to talk to him about your dissatisfaction and get really clear on your needs. How long will the two of you be long distance? Is there a way to add sexual play to your interactions while you are apart so that you can be sexual with him, even if you’re not physically together?
In getting your needs met outside the relationship, you are avoiding the tough talk. It’s easier to just have sex with someone else rather than talk about what you need and expect from your current relationship. Asking for phone sex, internet play, or something of the like can feel pretty vulnerable. I get that.
Right now, you’re building the foundation of your relationship and without honesty and clear expectations of needs and expectations, that foundation is unstable. It doesn’t matter that for you, it’s just sex and doesn’t mean anything, it would likely mean a hell of a lot to your boyfriend! Something that would affect him affects you if you’re choosing to have a relationship that comes with the expectation of monogamy.
It’s fine that you don’t have any strings attached with your Friday night date but you’re cutting the strings attached between you and your boyfriend. Those strings matter a lot when you choose a committed relationship and have sex outside of that relationship.
If you’re choosing to be in a committed relationship, choices that simply make you happy without regards for how they will affect your partner, are usually bad news for the relationship. It sounds like you’re enjoying sex and that you’re wanting to explore your sexuality with more than one person. That’s ok. That’s common, especially for people without a lot of sexual or relationship experience. It doesn’t make you a “nymph” by any means. It just might mean that you don’t want to be in a committed relationship right now.
If you’ve changed your mind and want an open relationship, you’re going to have to say so. This isn’t a moral thing. It’s a relationship thing. Relationships need open and honest communication in order to thrive. Communication is the oxygen that feeds and nourishes relationships and when you keep secrets, you’re siphoning off the oxygen supply.
Get really clear and honest with yourself. What do you want? What do you need? Get clear and then talk to your boyfriend. He might say no. He can be a good guy, just not good for you. You might realize that you’re just not in a place where you really want to commit to one man and one relationship.
You just have to say so out loud in order to have the life and love you want. You need a solid foundation in order to have a solid love. Otherwise, you’ll be making repairs long into the future.
Want my two cents on your relationship? Click here. I’d love to help.