After I moved to San Francisco, three friendships in a row ended in painful awkwardness.
I was socially inept. An overly attached weirdo. Surely that’s what they’d seen in me?
Not fitting in with my new social circle was embarrassing. I knew I should tell myself we just weren’t a match. Yet instead, I replayed what went wrong. I internalized my unattractiveness.
The problem got bigger still. I missed almost all my past connections at times. I wished our bonds could live forever. I’d remember people I used to know through work, ASU, or OkCupid, and I’d think, “Oh, I probably disappointed them. They probably remember me as some weird person.”
All this time, a sweet and obvious solution stared at me. Eventually, I started putting it into practice:
I can’t control how people feel towards me, but I can master how I feel about them.
As long as I feel at peace towards a person from my past, well, I’m at peace!
Their imagined opinion of me isn’t important. Their well-being matters deeply, of course, but that’s beyond my influence at this point.
Mastering how I feel about people isn’t easy — I can’t control every thought — but what I can do is insert a conscious message. So in this moment, I say honestly to those 3 former San Franciscan friends:
I savored meeting and knowing you. You are uniquely gifted and delightful. I hope you feel well, and I know you are doing great things for others.
Things I imagine saying to various people from my past are largely the same. But that’s okay. Negative thoughts get repetitive. It’s okay if our positive mental messages repeat themselves too.
When I catch myself dwelling on the pain of a perished connection, I think what makes me smile. I think what makes me laugh. I think what I would say to that person in a thank-you card (ha, if it weren’t awkward to do so)!
Then, I just move on faster.
Imagine you’re transmitting a wave of appreciation from your heart to theirs, wherever they may be today.
I realized I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life forlorn about the theme of people losing interest in each other. It’s a part of life I wanted to embrace with a winning attitude. So I’ve been learning to take command of my inner dialogue.
In a way, all my past friendships continue forever in my thoughts, slowly fading but never quite disappearing, like ripples of a pebble tossed in a lake. Today, those relationships-in-spirit are joyful and thriving again.
Sometimes the mental messages lead to actual texts and calls!
Less self-conscious, my loving-kinder mind can think clearly. It suddenly dawns on me how to respond in my current-day relationships.
I tell my friends how I’ve savored meeting and knowing them. I compliment their unique gifts and delights. I wish them wonderful days. I notice all the great things they’re doing for others!
Take a walk with your friends, past and present
I can master how I feel about people. Entertaining this idea, I “took my friends for a walk” one recent morning.
Fancying that they joined me in spirit, I thought of as many folks as I could. Whoever bubbled up in my brain, I sent them off with a 40-second mental message of loving-kindness.
As I covered the ground of many memories, many past connections, I started to feel lighter. For so long, I’d held a heavy conscience, thinking, “Goodness only knows what they think of me now. Did I leave them hurt or hungry?”
From now on, I won’t worry about the past or how they remember me. I’ll practice warm and honor-filled feelings towards them.
If you try this, take a walk with your current friends too. Maybe you had a hard conversation with your bestie and you’re not sure what to say to her next. Start by taking breaths. Get present. Send her imaginary messages of honesty and love.
Does spirit alone smooth wrinkles in our relationships? While I like to imagine something’s happening, what’s certain is that the practice clears my mind. It readies me to return to my friends and family with an open heart.
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Previously published on medium
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Photo credit: on iStock