I’m yet to see marriage as loving as that of my maternal grandparents. And since my grandfather passed away three months ago, conversations about the old times are something we’re having more often than before.
I still remember a year ago when she completed five years of taking care of him, as a brain stroke left him paralysed.
This one day she was sad about this situation of him being bedridden, and I told her to be positive. I am positive, each day for five years when I sleep I have a hope that tomorrow he will sit up and speak to me, she told me.
Theirs was a marriage I strongly hope that I get blessed to experience someday. So what made it extraordinary?
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Set an intention and stay true to it
My grandfather was in the army when grandmother gave birth to both her kids. Since he was in the war station where families weren’t allowed, my grandmother stayed with her in-laws.
Sometimes he got home for just two weeks after a couple of months. She longed for his time, but he had to meet the rest of his family, too. The Indian culture is very cohesive, and we put our parents above everything and everybody.
But which woman doesn’t crave attention from her loved one, after all?
What made you stick through with so much time alone? I asked her.
She told me that when they got married, they set an intention that they’ll make their marriage work no matter what. Through thick and then, they will sail through together but there should never come a situation that questions their vows.
For nearly five decades, they stayed true to their intention to ‘make it work’ no matter what life throws at them.
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Only one person can win at one time
Let’s keep in mind that India in the 70s was extremely patriarchal. Women didn’t make major decisions without consulting their husbands, as they were the primary breadwinners.
Once, my grandma went out with her relatives for a ladies’ day out. They wanted to shop and bought shoes, so she bought them too.
My grandfather was furious that she didn’t ask him, so he went and returned them.
My reaction was exactly like yours.
How could you stand that? Why did you tolerate this?
Because only one person can win at a time, she told me. When there’s a fight or a troublesome situation, two hotheads won’t solve an issue so it’s important for one person to step down.
And there are countless times he stepped down for her in the coming years.
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Let go of narrow opinions
Now, this is a piece of advice she gives me for my marriage because as I touch 25 this year the society would automatically label me as ‘marriageable age’ and my relatives who haven’t spoken to me in years will conveniently poke their nose and ask me when I am getting married as if it’s as casual as asking ‘whats for dinner’.
She advises me to let go of narrow opinions. Maybe with my exposure of having travelled the world and staying abroad, there’s a long list of things I want in an ideal partner.
Each time I tell her I don’t want certain traits in my future partner, she tells me to let loose a little. Of course, it’s great to have preferences and look for certain traits in a man. But don’t be so stuck up on tight opinions that you miss out on the good things that person brings to the table.
This advice also comes from somebody who never met her husband before marriage, but look how beautiful that turned out to be!
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It’s always easier to give up
Each family has drama, from relatives close or far away. When we gossip over chai which is the Hindustani name for tea, we discuss events of the past and present.
I ask her,
How did you carry on when things got so difficult? I can’t imagine sticking through such hardships.
“Because it’s always easier to give up,” she’d reply.
Coming to think of it, for almost everything that life throws at us, giving up is always the easiest option. Let go of it, problem solved.
But some things in life are worth sticking for, enduring, and solving.
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Care for each other till the end
Because the end will break your heart, and make you think of all the things you could’ve done better. That’s a terrible place to be in, so do everything in your capacity today to love and appreciate one another.
My grandma fed my grandad all his meals for five whole years, that’s over 5000 meals. Even though he couldn’t respond as his stroke muted him, he was her first good morning and last goodnight.
During his last five years, though he suffered miserably, for the previous 44 years he treated her like a queen.
She didn’t imagine in her biggest dreams that a simple girl from a village in India would ever have to privilege to travel across the country and then the world.
Cultivate relationships, water your seeds well, stick through sunshine and storms and care for each other till the end.
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Takeaways
Here are five pieces of advice for a successful marriage:
- Set an intention and stay true to it.
- Only one person can win at a time, keep your ego aside.
- Let go of narrow opinions, give space for the unexpected goodness.
- It will always be easier to give up, choose to stay.
- Care for each other till the end.
I wish you all the happiness in the world.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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