Question: Do you really think going into debt each year to please your wife giving her tons of gifts she wants that I can’t afford is the right choice? I feel so pressured to be the provider yet once I buy everything for her I feel resentful. Is she high maintenance?
Answer: I can really sense the desire to please her and frustration of going into debt. You’re clearly not feeling appreciated and it’s never enough, yes? And that you are ALSO resentful at yourself and feeling unable to stand up for your truth with the budget and you end up feeling inadequate unable to appease her. What a NO WIN situation. I hear you.
May I be straight my love? This is meant as a loving wake up call. I don’t think she’s holding a gun to your head making you purchase all these things. I imagine you are 100% fully completely and totally at choice to buy things for her or not, yes? I ask because you’re being the victim of the situation.
Granted, if you don’t get her what she wants, you’re going to get an earful, yet it doesn’t sound like you’re speaking your truth. It doesn’t sound like the two of you are connecting on a heart centered authentic vulnerable level. It sounds like there’s a lot of obligation and expectation and assumptions and conclusions going on here to the detriment of your financial situation AND to the detriment of your marriage in terms of respect.
If indeed the only reason she wants to be with you is what you can buy her, is that okay with you?
Don’t you want to be adored for your heart, your purpose, your kindness, your touch, your laughter, your essence?
I’m sure you want to be appreciated for your accomplishments and achievements, too, yes?
But don’t you REALLY want a balance between the outside and the inside?
What do you cherish about HER on the outside and on the inside… Do you mention these things to her?
Is it possible that both of you are a little off center, over valuing the external and not slowing down to appreciate the pure essence of each other’s hearts? Not slowing down to mention how wonderful it is just to hold hands? Share life together?
It would be a phenomenal exercise after dinner to sit down and to tell each other one at a time taking turns, what you appreciate about each other physically, emotionally, mentally, financially, vocationally, socially, family-wise, spiritually and romantically. You might have no idea the abundance or lack thereof in terms of appreciation for one another. I think it would be a phenomenal way to broach the subject of gift-giving and from a vulnerable authentic honest place… Let her know your budget so that her expectations aren’t forted and you don’t feel unnecessary pressure. Create an agreement… a Holiday budget… And remember some of the greatest presents are experiential and not material 😉
In fact a few years ago I created a book called Scoring a Relationship, turning gifts into experiences she’ll never forget… And there are 10 very inexpensive highly heart-connected gifts that are truly experiences that make a woman feel so seen, heard appreciated and understood that they are truly Priceless and deeply nourishing to a relationship. Promise 😉
Lastly, I encourage you to get rid of the blame and anger and judgment in a healthy way and sink into your wise vulnerable knowing heart. Connect with her from that place otherwise you’re only going to get defensiveness out of her and things will only get worse. Should it be time for some deeply nourishing couples counseling to get you two back on the same page of appreciating one another, I would be privileged to support you and doing so. You can register for a $97 discounted introductory session with me at AllanaPratt.com/connect.
There is a miracle in this mess.
There is a breakthrough on the horizon.
Open your heart.
Be a noble badass and communicate your truth.
Know you deserve to be appreciated for what you provide.
Know she also is worthy of love and appreciation for what she provides.
And may this depth of communication make it the most connected, vulnerable intimate happy holidays you’ve had to date… that only gets better 😉
Huge love, Allana xoxo
Photo: www.BigStock.com
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Deliciously yours, Allana xoxo
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