Question: I have an incredible husband that does so much but I feel as if I have becoming the mistress to his job. He is constantly forgetting to do the simple things I ask of him, like pick of the dry cleaning and gets defensive because he doesn’t want to “be that type of husband”. I don’t think it is fair that he is getting upset when he is the one putting work in front of his home responsibilities. What do you think?
Answer: Right out of the gate given the way you asked this question, I think you’re going to have success with what I have to share. Notice that you acknowledge that you have an incredible husband that does so much. That’s an effective way to bring up disagreements in the relationship, by being grateful for what DOES work before launching into what doesn’t. Nice 😉
Next, I recognize he’s consistently forgetting to do what you’ve asked of him mixed with getting defensive that he’s not ‘that kind of husband’ to support you with any home responsibilities.
I also imagine that it makes you feel taken advantage of or as you say, ‘the mistress to his job.’ That must feel awful.
Have you ever had a conversation with him about what he believes marriage to be, what he values about you, what he believes is the value he provides, what people’s responsibilities are supposed to be in a relationship, what are his expectations, beliefs and what he believes is fair?
I ask because while I acknowledge you’re clearly frustrated… at the end of the day, he’s a TRUTH: Everybody acts according to their values.
So it sounds like being a support with picking up the dry cleaning makes him feel inferior or weak or taken advantage of or something that is incongruent with how he likes to see himself. While I’m not sure, it’s possible that there are things he would ask you to do that would make you feel used or taken advantage of or would go against your value system, yes?
My recommendation instead of continuing to argue and feel frustrated and for him to continue to get defensive or constantly forget things… would be to have an honoring, safe and curious conversation where you explore and discover how you see relationship, role responsibilities, value of what is provided, what it is to be a husband or a wife, all of your expectations and the VALUES from which those decisions are made.
Really get to know each other underneath the surface of jobs or home responsibilities to the core of what makes both of you feel respected, honored and appreciated. From that core understanding of one another, see if you can come to an agreement about how you value each other’s roles so that both people feel understood and respected.
Sometimes we act unconsciously without knowing it and simply behave like our parents behaved, or like society expects us to when we never really take the time to go deep into how we’re really wired and what makes us feel loved and appreciated.
It’s possible that he is more than happy to pay for the dry cleaning to be delivered 😉 Just not pick it up himself. xox
If the two of you have never engaged in sessions that support your relationship in thriving and moving through these type of misunderstandings, it might be time to nourish your partnership with a series of sessions. Healthy communication is one of my super powers 😉 I would love to see if we’re a fit for me to support you. We can discover that when you register for a $97 discounted introductory session where the three of us will not only get to the bottom of this disagreement through to understanding and a solid solution, yet get to the root of what makes both of you feel seen and understood so that your intimate relationship can thrive even more.
I sense this is the beginning of feeling even more connected and respected… and an even closer loving relationship.
Looking forward to hearing from you, all my love and blessings, Elena
Intimacy Expert Allana Pratt is a global media personality who awakens open-hearted, unapologetic living after heartbreak. A Guest Expert on Huffington Post, People Magazine, Forbes, The Jenny McCarthy Show, and featured as an Icon of Influence, this Ivy League grad is the Author of 4 top-selling books, has interviewed Whoopi Goldberg, Alanis Morissette, and Dr. Bernie Seigel and hosts the edgy podcast “Intimate Conversations”. A certified coach, Allana was asked by Leeza Gibbons to coach her during Dancing with the Stars. With over 4.5 million viewers on YouTube, Allana is the go-to authority when struggling to trust again after heartbreak. She offers private coaching and retreats to support her male and female clients finding the relationships they deserve.