“I am not sure how to process this. I went to work as usual the next day and tried to bury my mind in work but it didn’t do any good. I held up for the most part because I didn’t want to go home. My throat was wet, body tired and mind constantly looking for answers to a thousand questions. I had to shut that voice down. I just had to distract myself in some way. I couldn’t be home neither could I work. I broke down in front of my manager in the most embarrassing way. He was kind enough to get me some help and I had my closest person — you can call her my work bestie — come to my rescue. She sat with me through the entire time and let me empty my heart out.
I cried until my mouth and heart went dry. I took a deep breath and don’t think it helped much. I have never opened up about my complicated relationship with my husband. I am not even sure if I can call him my husband any more. Let’s just call him P— a separate human who no longer identified himself within a relationship with me. I was forced to take the day off — because I didn’t have the courage to take some time off for myself. I started walking aimlessly just how I had gotten myself tangled with the individualistic minded marriage with P. I don’t know where I was headed.
I wanted to do something, anything but something — not suicidal, that’s not me. I went to a park and sat there for a while. The breeze was nice and I ran down the memory lane to dig up some happy memory. I couldn’t. My mind was not supporting the idea. I saw people and I hated them for being there. I was getting annoyed by the mere presence of people around me. I didn’t want to be around anyone, so I started walking again. I saw couples happily walking and giggling — and I got jealous and ignored all visuals. Are they really in love? I thought to myself. I saw a coffee place in the neighborhood and drank the worst cappuccino to just get myself a place to hide for some time — but I am not sure who I was hiding from, was it me? I just wanted my mind to take a deep breath. My heart was hurt and mind blank and yet I realized I only had myself with me.
I just wanted to get away from the chaos in my mind. I was blaming myself and fighting internally. Knowing myself, I’d always find reasons to see a situation from his perspective, but this time I was tired and didn’t have the energy to defend him anymore. I had to stand up for myself. I don’t think I ever did anything for myself. I don’t know anymore what makes me feel good. I don’t know how we got here — or maybe I do and am just in denial.
Denial. It is a strong word. Tightly carries all the bottled up emotions for something and just filters out reality. For the longest time, I have lived my life thinking how lucky we both have been to have found ourselves in the most beautiful relationship. After years of togetherness, but one phrase to bring it all to an edge, where I am dangerously close to falling and no one to save me. Had I known how much of an illusion our love was, I’d probably not be writing this. I have only learned to love him with all my heart but I was at the losing end. Perhaps we both are at fault for many reasons and our marriage crumbled for that but I think I am only blaming myself. I shouldn’t, I know. I have never been a selfish person — should I have been I’d probably not act as the ‘devil’s advocate’ in my mind and stood up for my self respect. I hadn’t. I failed. I lost.
I don’t think he ever loved me. If he had, he’d know how much it was hurting. He probably loved the person he wanted me to become. He was in love with some non-existent version of me. Did I fail him? Maybe I did, by not fulfilling his expectations of me. Neither did he mine.
Perhaps he is not happy with his own life. He is channeling all of his issues through me. I wish I could help him. Be able to support him when he doesn’t even know that he needs me.
But I don’t want to lose what we had. Maybe he is just lost a little bit. Maybe he is just annoyed with me a little. This shall pass, right? Maybe he just thought that he is out of love for a while and maybe it will all come back to him — what we were, are and could be? Am I okay to be a little positive among all this chaos I am facing right now? I don’t know actually. It’s all very confusing.
He apologized for saying what he felt. But not sure if the apology is for failing to love me like I do him, or if it is because he can’t pretend any longer.
I dare not ask him what is next for us. I don’t think I am ready to hear out what he has to say. The answer may or may not kill me inside. I know I have to face reality sooner or later but just not yet. I need to put myself together — gather the broken pieces of my heart and just be stronger. To try and win him back maybe? My love is stronger than I am. I can let him go, if need be. I will not force him to be into me. I don’t think anyone should force their way into a relationship. It makes things more toxic and emotionally void. It will hurt a little — but his happiness is probably still going to be the most important thing to me. I wish I hadn’t made him the center of my universe. I wish I had valued myself more than I had done him. Am I a psycho for saying this? After all I loved him with all my heart. I still do. I can’t unlove him. Because I don’t want to become — him.”
Posting with the permission on behalf of a friend who wishes to remain anonymous.
This post was previously published on medium.com.
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