How does a good dad from Indonesia learn to deny his children birthday celebrations?
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I never have a birthday party for my children.
Really, why?
This reminds me of when I was a young boy in Makassar and the question I asked my father,
Why do I never have a birthday party that involves a large crowd, huge gifts, big cakes, and all the accessories that I see at other kids’ birthday bashes?”
I remember my old man’s answer because it was so confusing and such a huge disappointment for me. I was disappointed because the answer was not the one that I had hoped for, his approval of a huge birthday party for me. I was confused because it was too complicated for a little boy to understand:
Today is supposed to be the day you are grateful for being alive.”
It was too hard for me to understand the philosophy of the answer when all I could think of was the party that I would never have.
As I got older, I took charge of my own celebration by treating a few friends to dinner or coffee. I had to use my allowance or savings to do this because my parents refused to be the financiers of this annual event. Kindly, they offered to prepare a home-cooked dinner or lunch for my gathering because that would take away the burden of paying for dinner in a restaurant or café. However, I always refused the offer for the reason of avoiding my parents’ interference during my supposedly private affair. As a result, I would restrain from my other indulgences like books and movies to be able to save up and pay for my own birthday celebration.
For college, I studied in the U.S.A., and my birthday became an event where I hung out with friends over pitchers of beer or took a getaway weekend with a girlfriend. It was definitely my responsibility to manage my own dough to fund my own affair. The small monthly stipend from Indonesia was sufficient for rent, school fees, and food for my brother, sister, and myself. I worked as a dishwasher, cashier, burger flipper, and lifeguard to earn extra money for my other expenses and for savings. However, the similar strategy of abstaining from a few indulgences was still in play and effectively assisted me in deciding how cheap my birthday bash would be. Cooking my own meals, instead of eating out like many fellow Indonesians, was a good example in which I could save for groceries to cook my birthday meals. During this period, I also started to seriously contemplate another favorite quote of my late father’s:
The value of a person shows in how much he or she gives to or asks from others.
My father’s words stayed with me when I returned to Indonesia after ten and a half years in the United States and later joined Wanadri, an Association of Jungle and Mountain Explorers. The closing sentence of the prayer we, the Wanadri, recite each time we are about to start or to conclude an activity says:
… may this activity be beneficial not only for ourselves but also for our community, our country, and other people.
My father’s quote rang in my mind again. This resonated more truth when I volunteered for a twenty-two day search and rescue activity. This consisted of four sessions of three nights and four days searching for a downed single-engine trike plane. Those days in unfamiliar terrain and jungle showed me the simplicity of how easy a life is taken away, and how the next day would be worthless if I could not get through the present day. Those days made it clear to me how selfish and meaningless a birthday celebration is when compared to other more urgent circumstances in life. The lost trike plane was found charred with its two pilots and showed the simplicity of a lost birthday.
When I returned to the city I was able to see as my father had seen. I looked at children under five years old who demanded, cajoled, threatened, punished, and wreaked havoc on their parents just to get birthday presents and parties. I saw how children associated their birthday with consumerist urges and behaviors. On the other hand, the parents also fooled themselves with the expensive presents and huge parties for no reason other than self-indulgence and selfish pride in showing off their wealth, their kids’ talents, or their own vanity. These scenes reinforced my opinion in refusing to have birthday parties for my children. So, on my four-year-old son’s next birthday I took him on a hike. The feelings of wonder and joy as his eyes looked at tall trees, rice fields, and animals were my birthday gifts to him.
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I know it will become harder to maintain this stance while the world around my family increasingly supports the idea of consumerism and narcissistic behavior. Yet, I hope I can consistently hold on to this stance and can spread it among others. I hope my work as an educator and my love for bushcraft can keep lighting the spark of wonder and joy not only in my children’s eyes but also for those I encounter in my path.
Original Artwork by: Donald Saluling (artist/illustrator/designer)
Great article, very thought provoking. Thanks.
Well written article, Don. Proud to know you as my pal. Yeah…life is good… 🙂