Stephanie Kaloi is ready to accept that her son wants to dress more like society’s expectations of a boy.
I have spent most of my son’s nearly four years on the planet scouring thrift stores and online shops for fun, colorful, and bright clothing. It’s been easy to meander back and forth between boy’s and girl’s departments as, for the most part, a lot of the clothes could work on a boy or girl.
Granted, my son has worn his fair share of puff sleeves and rainbows, but MOST of his clothing has been boy-leaning, with a dash of glitter on a sleeve.
As he’s gotten older I’ve increasingly struggled with finding stuff that works -– a lot of toddler and preschooler boy clothing is dominated by stripes, robots, and dinosaurs, while girl’s stuff is covered up with stars, hearts, ribbons, and lace. No matter: with the right balance and stubbornness, I’ve been able to find stuff that we both like.
Granted, I’ve noticed that through the months the clothing he’s wearing is more dominated by dark greens and reds instead of bright yellows and pinks, but that’s cool. He’s a dude, and until he declares a gender persuasion, I’m going to assume he’ll fall in line with most dudes.
Before I go further, I get that a lot of people really don’t care about gender-neutral clothing for kids, and I’m OK with that. My desire to dress my son in bright colors that could work for a boy or girl is half a political stance and half a frustration with how despondently boring I find most boy’s clothing. It’s been a kind of song and dance I’ve been performing: how much fun can I have?
Back to my mission. The other day I was leafing through the racks of a local Goodwill when I saw it: a bright pink sweater covered with multi-colored hearts. I swooned, smiled, and then stopped: Was this too girly?
My son is in preschool now, and even though the kids range between 3 ½ and 5, they still notice this kind of thing. A few weeks ago, my son said he wanted to have long hair, longer than mine. I told him he needed to grow out his bangs to make this dream a reality, so we pulled them back with a hair band.
Upon entering the school, he was immediately greeted by his friend, who asked, “Why is your hair like that? It’s like a girl’s.”
This was TOTALLY a legitimate reaction—and one that I anticipated and told my son would probably happen—and the kid’s mom did a wonderful job of answering, “He’s growing out his hair, it’s not a big deal,” without missing a beat.
But this was the first time that I realized that these kids, as young as they are, are really picking up on all of the gender cues around them. No one told my son his hair was wrong, and as far as I know it wasn’t a topic of conversation the rest of the day, but a few days later he said he wanted a haircut, so part of me thinks the exchange stuck with him.
That, or he just got sick of his hair in his eyes.
Ultimately, I think the whole hair discussion impacted me more than him—a few months ago I’m not sure if I would have even batted an eye at the heart sweater. I would have just bought it and been done with it. Now I pause, and ask myself if I would want to be a little boy in a pink, heart-adorned sweater. As much as I’d love for that answer to be, “Hell yes!” I wasn’t surprised when it was “Eh, probably not.”
And right now, I realize this isn’t the biggest deal in the world. Right now, my kid is wearing an Angry Birds pajama shirt and owl-covered tights under plaid pants, and that outfit is awesome. It’s colorful and fun, but it’s also a little more boy-friendly than clothing he’s donned in the past.
I suppose this is all part of realizing my kid is getting older, but there’s a real part of me that mourns the loss of freedom in clothing, however temporary it may be. For all I know, he’ll totally be into glitter and sparkles when he’s 8, 15, or 25—or he won’t. I will be perfectly fine either way, because it’s not my call to make.
But, MAN, I’m going to miss those rainbows in the meantime.
Originally appeared at xoJane
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40 Comments on "My Little Boy is Outgrowing Hearts and Rainbows"
I totally understand. Boys clothes choices are boring.
So I deliberately kept my son’s hair way long into the girl-range until he started school. That way he could and did wear anything without comment. But after the haircut we put the real unquestionably girl things into the collection for just wearing at home.
He’s seven now, pretty much all boy, except when one gf comes to play. Then he’s quite likely to be the one in the glitter blouse and skirt. But out of respect to gender norms, his most recent pettiskirt is BLUE!
How sweet. Moby would be proud.
Get this kid a slingshot, and tell him to nail the next moron who tries to dress him like a girl.
I don’t think you understood my point, which was that concern and rigidity about gender rules is a normal developmental phase for preschool children as they try to figure out the world and how they fit within it. As they get older, they relax and learn that the world is not governed by strict rules–but at ages 3-5 they crave pattern.
This.
So glad I had kids before Mommybloggers could tell me what I was doing wrong. I sure had no trouble finding bright colored clothing for boys or girls. Maybe LA is just more colorful than Portland? Or else, buying at thrift stores means the colors had faded?
Also, comments are only deleted if they violate policy. One way to get a comment deleted is to talk about moderation techniques, to insult the author or editors of the site, or to insult the site itself.
You can disagree all you want. Please do.
This again, isn’t about your son. Count the “I” and “me” statements. This is about your priorities. Not about what your son actually wants.
Joanna a child of that age isn’t choosing anything. Kids want to please their parents. If the kid can tell those are the clothes his mom likes of course that’s what he’s going to choose (and I mean previous to now since independence increases with age anyway).
Great post. This one wins the prize.
And this line is terrific: “and yes, that pink heart shirt is most certainly coded “girly” in our culture and she knows it”
I agree with this. I wouldn’t put a pro-choice tee shirt on my kids. You know? But in some places, my sons’ long hair WAS a political statement. We didn’t cut their hair until they asked us to. That, in and of itself, is a political statement. The truth was, my husband had long hair in the 70s and loved it, loves it on the boys.
Is that a political statement?
Wait wait wait….
Just growing out your bangs will make your entire head of hair grow longer?
Hair bands cause hair to grow faster?
Quit using the term “gender-neutral.” It’s obvious that boys being raised “gender-neutral” are very much being steered in a particular direction, and that direction is feminine. Well enough, but call it what it is because there is nothing “neutral” about this.
Yes, let’s have all kids be clones of each other, lest others find a reason to bully your kid. But don’t worry, even if you’re the best conformist there is, they can still find reasons to bully your kid. So you’re stifling any and all expression of your kid…for nothing at all. Congratulations.
@Shala …What kind of “statement” would a 5 year old boy be making by wearing hearts and bows? The “statement” is moms and not his. Let’s get real here. Clone? I guess you believe that little kids should start out being individuals by the things they wear and not who they are? The reality is that this is all about mom struggling with the boy growing our of what SHE wanted him to wear.
My kids expressed themselves with their skills, talents and personality, not with what mom and/or dad wanted them to wear.
You need to google ‘manosphere’.
Masculine clothing is boring, that’s a known fact.
It was designed that way pretty recently. It used to be more colorful and more decorated, a marker of class, not of gender.
But since feminity became associated with aristocracy and masculinity became associated with ruggedness and being working class, any and all non-functional (read: decorative) clothing came to be seen as feminine, while masculine clothing needed to be entirely functional, a clone of what all other men wear.
This is a recent happening, I’d say no more than 100-150 years.
“Masculine clothing is boring, that’s a known fact.”
You need to learn the difference between what a fact is and what an opinion is. The sun is 92,960,000 miles from the Earth is a known fact. Masculine clothing is boring is an opinion and a retarded one at that. Might as well just schedule this kids first psychiatrist appointment right now.