Question: My mother is in love with my personal trainer. She doesn’t know he exists. We think she is making up a relationship in her head. She even took his picture and is showing it to her friends, as if he is her man. What can we do before this gets awkward for everyone?
Answer: It’s pretty awkward now! I would look at it first from compassion, that she is so lonely, that she is willing to live in denial and create a fantasy to feel good enough. So if we address this by believing that she is crazy, that would be total judgment and judgment would not get us anywhere when it comes to connecting with her in an honoring way to bring her back to reality and have a conversation about this.
So making her wrong is not going to help, having compassion that “Wow, she is really so lonely that she is not operating in reality.” From that place of compassion say “Hey mom, I just wanted to have a talk with you.” I mean maybe, behind your back, she is having sex with the personal trainer so ask her – “Hey mom, have you been on dates? Are you having a sexual relationship with my personal trainer?” Maybe she is! If she is not, you want to say with all the kindness in your heart, “Mom, are you lonely? Mom, are you craving a relationship? Mom – do you really want someone in your life? Mom, do you really want someone that is strong, noble, and consistent in your life?” Just be that safe space for her to have a meltdown, have a cry, tell the truth and ultimately if she can’t hear you, you are just going to have to let her be.
Be an allowance, let her create a train wreck. Also, notice where you’re awkward and you don’t have a sense of self, that you think you are only defined by what people think about your mom. Just let her be – let her live, let her crash, let her soar, let her do whatever. You are not a reflection of her. You don’t need to change her. You don’t need to fix her. You are not defined by her. Just send her love, be compassionate, and breathe.
It’s quite a big lesson for you as well – can you truly be unconditional and loving in allowance to let someone do what they are going to do. It is not an easy path. So in terms of how to cultivate that sense of presence, capacity not to judge, capacity not to fix those kinds of things, all my work is based on that. So any of my programs, my books, my cds, my guided meditation, my cirriculums, and certainly a coaching session with me, would all take you to that place where you can let go of control and allow whatever is going to unfold to unfold and be able to have a conversation with her from that place of non-judgment and allowance as opposed to awkwardness and judgment. You can do it. So contact me or my manager at [email protected] and ask about a strategy session or just go and begin to drive into any of my products that will help you get out of your head and into your heart, breathe through the discomfort, lower into your belly where your intuition is, and your connection to all that is live.
I look forward to hear from you again.
All my love,
A version of this post was previously published on allanapratt.com and is republished here with permission from the author.
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