I gave up the whole idea of making New Years Resolutions of any kind many years ago. Let’s face it, most of these promises that we make to ourselves have made their way to the backburner before January ever comes to a close. I do believe however in having goals and intentions and being someone that is very linear in his thinking, starting with new ones on January 1st of each year has been a good exercise for me and one that I hope to continue throughout my life.
These used to be somewhat random but I recently came across this notion of “Having a One-Word Intention” to use as a guideline for setting your annual goals. If I could think of a word for 2020 (well I guess I have quite a few choice words for this past year — LOL) but my word would have been “Transition”.
I transitioned to a new job after 19 years in my previous one. I transitioned into a new relationship after being in the same one for 30 years. I transitioned into a new way of life with the onset of the pandemic.
As I now look forward to 2021 — the word that I choose is “Love”.
This will take on many meanings for me in the coming days, weeks and months ahead.
Perhaps the most important one is learning to love myself again. I made what some would describe as very questionable life decisions in 2020 — things that called my character into question. There were many days where I looked at my life and the actions that I was taking and felt ashamed. I looked in the mirror and I hated what I saw…who I saw. This wasn’t me. This wasn’t the man that I wanted to be. I hated who I had become. I need to put that version of me in the rear view mirror and learn to forgive myself for what I have done, and try to be a better version of me going forward. I need to ditch the lies and dishonesty and embrace the truth — no matter how hard that may be and accept the consequences that come with being honest about some very difficult things. It will be nice to stop running from the truth and being able to once again look myself in the mirror and like what I see.
My other big focus for 2021 is getting back to doing all the things that I love again starting with running. I came to running late in my life. My company participated in an annual 3.5 mile race held in the city of Boston called the JP Morgan Corporate Challenge. This was back in 2010 having just turned 40 years old and at the heaviest weight in my life — I was just shy of 200 lbs. which attached to my 5’6″ frame wasn’t pretty (at least not to me) and I was concerned about my overall health so it was time to make a lifestyle change and what better way I thought then training for my first road race. Over the course of the next 6 months I proceeded to lose 40 lbs. and felt and looked better then I could ever remember in my adult life.
This started my love affair with running. Over the next 10 years I would run in countless 5K and 10K races, complete 4 half marathons and 2 full marathons (the most recent completed at Walt Disney in January of 2019 as part of the Dopey Challenge). Unfortunately, a foot injury in late 2019 sidelined me for a bit and then over the course of 2020 for various reasons I simply stopped running. This year needs to be different. I have access to well treated roads in the wintertime. I have access to treadmills and exercise bikes and certainly can find at least 30–45 minutes everyday to slip on my running shoes and get back at it.
In 2021, I want to love my job again, or find a job that I can love. I am tired of working in a job that doesn’t have a sense of purpose. I want the work that I do to effect people in positive ways other then simply helping to contribute to corporate earnings. I remember when I was laid off in summer of 2019 that I had thought to myself… “I finally have a chance to start over — to do what I want to do with my life. I have been given a blank sheet of paper and can start we-writing my story”. Sounded great at the time.
But as the months of unemployment drifted along with no great prospects in sight, it started to become clear that maybe that wasn’t going to happen. That I may need to settle for something again to ensure the bills are being paid. Well, now that I have that job that I settled for, why haven’t I continued my search for something better? I don’t know but I think it’s time to start again.
Finally, and it’s a big finally, I need to decide whom I am going to share my love and my life with going forward. I have been married for 23 years to the same woman, lived together for the past 25 years and been together as a couple for the last 31. She has been the only true love that I had ever known…until 2020 when I allowed my heart to turn to another and now I have two very different women that love me and want to share their lives with me. I have let my head and overthinking and fear and worry and intimidation to some degree hold me in place for the last few months unable to find a way forward. I can’t do that any longer.
My lover made it very clear last night, she needs me to move out of my house and start building my future with her. My wife made it pretty clear earlier this week that if I can’t commit to staying and fixing my marriage than I should pack my bags and leave. The heart and the head, two entities that seem to come into constant conflict need to come together and choose the life they want. They need to choose happiness and they need to choose love.
These are my intentions for 2021. I will also extend a wish for 2021 that everyone in my life remains healthy and are able to embrace all the loves in their life throughout the next 12 months and beyond.
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Previously published on medium
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