3 Keys to really “syncing-up” and having a strong foundation of joy even inside of stressful situations.
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(Jami) Most couples can relate to having sex drives out of sync. Heck, we can relate. We’ve been there, done that. And it really didn’t make much difference if it was because of the chores not being evenly distributed evenly or our kids being needy. Just the phrase “distribution of domestic duties” suggests a separation between couples that actually contributes to the complication of getting it on. But whatever the case was, it all turned in to sexual frustration in one form or another until we figured out a better way of managing the tension around sexuality that was most often hanging between us.
Jami would get home and I had only talked to another human adult over the telephone, and I felt stifled, confined and ready to run away and hide for a few days (or weeks, or months…).
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(Marla) And a huge reality we experienced was that having children certainly gave us plenty of opportunities for sexual frustration inside or our coupleship. So, how to cope when I had our small children clinging to me off and on throughout the day and I most definitely had had enough touch for a week, much less for a single day? Jami would get home and I had only talked to another human adult over the telephone, and I felt stifled, confined and ready to run away and hide for a few days (or weeks, or months…) And for Jami working outside of the home it was clear that healthy touch was pretty much forbidden, for variable reasons, some good and some bad.
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There are no easy answers to such things. Let’s face it. There is so much to be stressed out about in life, and you probably don’t have all of the best tools to deal with said stress. And we’re going to guess that you are struggling to figure out where to begin to manage the sexual tensions between you.
The answer is really “syncing-up” with each other, and having a strong foundation of joy even inside of stressful situations. “How the heck do we get there,” you may be asking. The answer is simple, and yet not easy, and here it is: by taking the time to be emotionally connected.
I know this may sound like some sort of voodoo, but really it isn’t rocket science. There are plenty of scientific studies now to support the recommendations that Marla and I have been making to couples for over twenty years. And with this plethora of information coming out, we caution you to be careful and test the value of new ideas against your core values.
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Also it is important to note that sex is not always going to be “Mindblowing” or the best ever …
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It’s pretty cool because we have found the very best tools that will help a couple out in the bedroom, and we know they’re real because they work very well for us in our own relationship. Turns out that if couples will do some basic, powerful emotional exercises the rest of it takes care of itself. Sure, play with techniques and have fun, but we guarantee you that toys and better technique and fun are not the driving forces behind desire and connection sexually. Staying fit, getting plenty of sleep (as well as going to bed at the same time together), and eating well help tremendously as these things sharpen our ability to really feel physically and emotionally, but they aren’t the end-all answers to fantastic sex. Also it is important to note that sex is not always going to be “Mindblowing” or the best ever, it is ok if you have a “so so” experience and if it persists it is time to have a better conversation, not get all worried.
Patience wins…
So here are three simple things that you can do on a consistent basis that will lead to more and more awesome sex (we promise, as long as you are consistent.)
Forgive and remember
People will often say, “Forgive and forget.” We ask you to forgive and remember. Remembering what happened but not continuing to feel the pain of the experience allows you to have empathy and compassion for another person who is brave enough to share their hurt with you. Your healing will then help another person heal. Pretty cool. And once you have forgiveness in your heart, you are able to make a fair and open boundary in all areas of your life. Remember, it is not just saying, “I forgive you,” but it is also acknowledging the hurt and what you’re feelings are about the situation. This allows you to release the pain, and embrace freedom. And freedom leads to amazing sex!
Share your hopes and dreams on a daily basis
Yes, talk about what matters on a super regular basis, even if your life is crazy. Learning how to be meaningfully connected in the moment makes a huge difference in aligning two hearts into one rhythm, the rhythm of love.
Make SEX a priority
You heard that right—schedule that business. You schedule everything else in life. Even if you don’t schedule your love-making, you still have made a schedule not to schedule. Besides this is a fun conversation. Have it, and talk about how you want to make love as well. Be nice and be honest; you never know where this conversation will go.
You can have it all. Great careers, a connected home life, joyful kids, AND earth-shattering sex! If we can do it, any couple can do it. We dare you …
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Photo: Getty Images