“Good MORNING!! Welcome to H.E.B. Pharmacy!”
I expect my Artificial Intelligence voices to be robotic, not animated. Especially first thing in the morning. Most especially if I’m sick.
It’s one thing when I’m calling in a regular refill. Even then, I have to crank down the volume on my phone, or that first “GOOD MORNING,” jolts me upright in bed or out of my desk chair. It definitely scares the cats off my lap. Yes, it’s that loud.
Then I have to listen to a different voice telling me all about how to get my COVID vaccine, even though I’ve had four, and there’s no way to bypass the message. At least this voice is robotic and calm.
Back to “Mr. Happy.” Speaking of Robin Williams, the loud, rousing “GOOD MORNING” from the pharmacy AI voice reminds me of “GOOD MORNING VIETNAM.” Which reminds me of war. Which is not cheery.
When I’m sick and calling in a prescription, the voice makes me feel worse. And grumpier. After blasting me with cheerfulness, the voice prompts me to make a selection. Next another selection. Finally, a third selection, and I can — at last — order my prescription.
No — wait. I have to let the ridiculously cheery AI know that this is a new prescription, not a refill. THEN I get to put in the prescription number.
Whew. Done. No — wait again. I have to let “Mr. Laugh Through the Apocalypse” know that, indeed, I am done. No more prescriptions. No more buttons to push.
It’s a trick. I still have to confirm pick-up time.
Damn! I can’t pick it up. I’m sick you artificially animated sadist. What do I do now?
I remember that the damnably cheery voice said something at the beginning about scheduling delivery. How do I do that?
I try pressing several numbers. None take me to that option. I feel myself getting weaker with every “selection.” I hang up. I fall asleep.
I climb through the fog back to awake. Not woke yet, but awake.
I call back.
“GOOD AFTERNOON! Welcome to H.E.B pharmacy! Press 1 if you’re a medical professional. Press 2 if you’re a pharmacy customer.”
I stab my shaky finger on 2.
“If you are calling to schedule a COVID vaccine appointment press 7. You will not be able to place a prescription order or get answers to any other questions from there.” I remember that I can’t press a number to bypass the information, which goes on for what seems like a fevered eternity.
Eventually, “Mr. I’m so happy you called I might pee myself” says, “Select 4 to schedule a delivery.”
Joy! I am now nearly as happy as “Mr. Joyeux”, only without the lilt in my scratchy voice. I press 4 in a mad state of near hilarity. My meds will come to me, virtue of the cacophonous AI pharmacy voice guy.
I place my order. I patiently wait all day. By late afternoon, I call back.
Again with the COVID stuff. Again with the selections. I press 8 to speak to a pharmacist.
A live, breathing, polite yet not annoyingly cheery person answers the phone.
Me: “I scheduled a delivery of my medications, but they haven’t arrived.” I give her my name and birthdate. I know the drill.
Live Voice: “I’m sorry, Ms. Lennox, it seems the delivery driver knocked on your door, but no one answered.”
Me, trying not to cry. Or scream, which would hurt my scratchy voice: “Yes, because I am sick in bed alone and didn’t hear a knock. Can he come back today?”
Live Voice: “I’m sorry, Ms. Lennox, it’s too late to schedule the delivery for today. Please call back before 9:00 a.m. tomorrow.”
By now, I’m wishing I had “Mr. Cheery Voice” back, because I’m about to go off on a beeatch.
Me: “Listen sweetheart,” I say in my cheeriest croaky voice, “Call me Carol. Ms. Lennox is my former mother-in-law. I’m going to need for you to schedule that delivery for me right now. If I come pick it up, I’m coming in and exposing everyone. Thank you, and GOOD AFTERNOON from your H.E.B. pharmacy customer.”
The meds arrived within the hour.
. . .
Thank you to Andrew Rodwin for editing me while I am unmedicated.
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This post was previously published on MuddyUm.
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