The pain was suffocating. Knowing that my son was somewhere where no one could find him, drinking lethal amounts of alcohol to prevent any semblance of feelings or memory was debilitating—soul-crushing for a mom. I would cave into myself like a hurt animal and escape into my own oblivion. Then he would resurface. He was alive for another day. I didn’t lose him this time, but should I prepare myself?
This is our reality when we love someone with substance use disorder. Society wants to blame them for not having enough will, morality, or determination. They are at fault and we know best. But what if the person you care about is using a substance as a form of self-harm? Many people are aware of individuals that cut themselves as an effort to punish themselves or to show those on the outside how badly they feel internally. The result of organ damage, incarceration, homelessness—these aren’t choices anyone would intentionally make but they are what we can see—what we witness on the outside. In many cases, these are outcomes of underlying mental damage.
My son drank to inflict self-harm. Not all individuals use a substance for these purposes, but it is critically important to recognize when this is what is happening. There are signs to consider when you’re worried your loved one is using a substance to inflict harm on themselves like spending most of the time in isolation, repeated hospitalizations or incarceration, impulsive behaviors or even outward aggression. It took many years for me to realize that my son’s anger was never directed toward me, it was an outward response to the internal hatred he felt toward himself.
Consider underlying trauma, depression or anxiety if you recognize signs of self-harm in your loved one. We often want to blame the addict and ask, “why are you doing this to me?”, when the understanding should be, “why are they doing this to themselves?”
The more I realized this, and processed my pain around my son’s substance abuse, the more I wanted to fight back. I became a fierce advocate and began volunteering with incarcerated individuals and by speaking to law enforcement and EMS about crisis intervention and mental health. I started writing to anyone I thought I could help. If we don’t break down our own wall of silence, our loved ones will never win this battle.
And let me be clear, there was never a moment when I would have believed this is what I would be fighting for or writing and speaking about. I was too angry for so long to even consider that I should have to do anything. But that anger was coming from a state of helplessness and hopelessness, so maybe I started this crusade by doing something—anything—I could to feel an ounce better. Reaching out and helping others gave me that ounce. I accepted the responsibility regardless of the state of mind my son was in, because my change instigated his change. If I didn’t fight for broader understanding and acceptance, how could I expect it for my son or even myself?
It’s almost impossible to imagine, but I am grateful for what our family experienced. It’s not what I would wish for any other family to go through, but it gave us purpose, strength and fortitude. We persevered. So, I am now on a mission to encourage individuals that are just like I used to be—in darkness, isolation and pain—because they love someone so much that may be using and suffering as a form of self-harm.
Find a way to turn your pain into passion because what are we more passionate about than our children and other loved one’s lives?
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Honoring Men’s Mental Health Month — June 2023
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