Jason Gaddis insists that when we discourage feminine traits in boys and instead only promote outdated masculine ones, we put a gender straightjacket on our boys.
Is your son less of a boy or man if he wears pink?
Chances are, if a boy wears pink in this culture he will likely be judged as gay or feminine over time.
I paint my toenails. I wear pink sometimes. My son likes pink too and loves to play princess or fairies with his awesome babysitter. So, are we both gay or feminine now?
So, the other day we went to a friend’s house and my son had on his stylish new pink shades. We were the last ones to arrive at the party (a vulnerable moment for a three-year old as the group of kids was already in their flow). Naturally, he wants me to walk him over to the group of kids. We hold hands and walk over.
We walk right into what is now a circle of seven kids ages 4-9 most of whom he’s played with before. Immediately his friend, a 5 year old girl, blurts out (so everyone can hear):
Hey, you have pink sunglasses! Boys don’t wear pink sunglasses!
She then laughs out loud and points at my son, as if to encourage the other kids to join in making fun of him.
I froze. It felt mean and shaming to me. My entire system was triggered, I felt a fury of rage and disbelief. I wanted to punch the five year old girl, who I know and love.
I couldn’t see my son’s face as I was next to him, but he froze too and kept his sunglasses on. Fortunately the oldest nine-year old boy said “Who cares if they are pink, I think they look awesome on you.”
I immediately agreed with the boy and said to the girl, “whoah, that is so disrespectful to say to your friend. We don’t talk to people like that.” I was still in shock. I got hijacked by my own issues around this gender stuff so I was unable to respond in the way I wanted. Eventually we worked it out, the girl’s parents talked to her, she apologized etc.
However, it was jarring for me. My anger is not about this girl, it’s not about her awesome parents who are raising her extremely consciously. It’s about the boy code and how powerful it is in this culture. Boys wear blue, girls wear pink. And, if you so much as veer outside of that, you will get shamed, humiliated, or worse.
I can hear the insecure mainstream parent say to me “Well, you shouldn’t have bought him pink sunglasses, what did you expect?” To which I would respond “I do expect it. And, I refuse to stay afraid and teach my child to collude with an outdated and disempowered male cultural paradigm that supports unconsciousness, disrespect , violence, hatred, or of any kind toward any individual.”
I understand the risk we took buying pink sunglasses. And, I will buy my kid pink whenever he wants to wear pink. I will teach him about the cost of wearing pink so as he grows he can choose. I will wear pink and keep painting my toe nails.
What’s the big deal here?
The big deal is fourfold:
- We send a message to the boy that his fundamental nature, wherever it is on the spectrum is wrong and bad.
- When we judge children by putting down gay people, girls, and women, we have now taught him, he’s wrong and bad, and “those people” are wrong, bad, or less than.
- We perpetuate hatred and violence toward gays and women and the parts of ourselves that don’t fit into the mainstream mold.
- The boy learns to be ashamed of who he is and how he expresses himself, so he shuts down any behavior (like wearing pink or a dress) that is perceived as feminine or gay. We keep the boy code going.
It’s devastating.
Not wearing pink is just another way we box boys in to what’s acceptable and what is not in terms of gender roles. If a boy plays with guns, sticks, trucks, and plays sports, he’s a “normal” boy and conforming to acceptable boy behavior. If he plays with dolls, wears pink, is overly emotional or sensitive, or dresses up like a girl, he’s going to face the gauntlet of shame and judgment. Other boys will tease him. Other parents will whisper about him. Some teachers, pastors, or coaches might even try to change his preferences or they might overtly shame him for it. These are some of the costs of gender conditioning (the biggest obstacle facing men today).
For example, check out this newspaper clipping that was passed around on facebook a while back.
“Make sure he wears masculine colors. No pinks!” Link to this newspaper here.
Encourage masculine traits while discouraging feminine ones? Ouch. And yet, this list is the masculine way in this culture. It’s quite normal and not surprising. And, when it’s not explicit like the newspaper above, it’s implicit.
Some will argue that this is not the case. That men are more comfortable with their feminine side, the metro-sexual is a good example. Yes, there is increased tolerance for a man to be in touch with his feminine side today. However, it’s still largely shamed in this culture, both overtly and covertly and it starts at birth. Look around at the men in your life. Most are emotionally constipated.
This is a sad, but understandable stance we take when we see the world through narrow and disconnected eyes. Some of us men actually think that the feminine, which lives in all of us, is not only uncomfortable, it’s bad, wrong, or doesn’t exist. In fact, in our culture, most men have disowned their inner feminine because they will get shamed, humiliated, and made fun of for it. Think about it, the two biggest insults you can say to another man are to call him a fag or a pussy. So, boys and men learn to distance themselves from behaviors that could become a target for being shamed or humiliated.
Then, if you push back and call men out of this, the first response we get is something like, “Hey, it’s just a joke. I was only kidding dude. Stop being so serious.” So, we become the person who is “wrong” for standing up for ourselves. Right, I’m supposed to “lighten up” about this whole thing. Right, it’s me, it’s my problem. Guess, I won’t speak up next time, silly me.” And so the conversation goes underground and men shouldn’t speak up for themselves because they are overreacting. It’s a classic double bind.
Is that how we want to deal with our son on the playground when another kid bullies him for wearing a certain color? What about shaming him for crying and calling him a cry baby, a sissy, or a girl?
This is the maze of male conditioning and animaphobia (a man’s fear of his inner feminine). When we men are unaware, afraid, and unwilling to embrace our inner life, we will reject those same qualities outside of ourselves. It’s what I did most of my life.
What I’m trying to teach my son is to be himself. That means I embrace the notion that he has both feminine and masculine qualities in him and that both are to be honored and respected.
So, I’m glad this event happened, even though it burned. Because it fueled this blog post and my clarity on future inevitable events like this.
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photo (main): flickr creative commons 6311940919
photo (inset): Shutterstock.com
Why is pink a feminine trait? Why is any trait feminine or masculine? The very labeling of “feminine” and “masculine” is perpetuation the role conditioning you have decried. I as a woman often prefer “male” styles and i carry a wallet for some reason that makes me “masculine”. Actually I just think it is more practical. I also love to dress up and put on makeup to go out. My son wears his hair long, dances ballet, and like wearing his kilt. Why are those things called feminine? They weren’t always it was considered not lady like and indecent for… Read more »
No they’re just trying to be fashionable… pink is surprisingly very popular among boys now a days. I work at a school north of Toronto and many of the boys starting as young as grade 1 and going up to grade 8 will wear pink shirts, hoodies or bracelets. They’re identifying with older men they’ve seen in the media and making their own decisions and are aware of the stereotype connected with wearing pink as so many adults talk about it. Not something to be of concern. It’s like worrying about a girl for wanting to play sports instead of… Read more »
http://www.smithsonianmag.com/arts-culture/When-Did-Girls-Start-Wearing-Pink.html?device=ipad
From what I understand, pink was not really available as a cheap, easily-obtained clothing color until some revolutions in chemistry in the late nineteenth century. It’s industrialization and modern chemical manufacturing that makes clothing colors more or less the same price. Before that, whether you were male or female, you had to wear the colors you could afford to wear.
Is it Victoria’s Secret that makes sweatpants with the word “PINK” on the rear end? As a joke, I’d be willing to wear one that says “BLUE” on the backside….
I remember when I was younger. If you listened to Culture Club, you were gay or would turn gay because the lead singer, Boy George, dressed in drag. You didn’t even have to see him in concert, just listen to the music. I just never understood how people could believe that.
I’m surprised that you didn’t make the point that the opposite of ‘stereotypical masculine’ (as outlined in that awful newspaper clip) is not actually ‘feminine’ in the sense of being woman-like. I have known a few gay men and men who are not so wrapped up in playing the part of stereotypical masculine, and none of them are woman-like. They are a mix of all qualities (like all groups of people) loud/quiet, brash/thoughtful, serious/silly, etc. When they are being thoughtful or caring or passive, they express those qualities like a man. They never remind me of women. Our culture needs… Read more »
First, let me just compliment Jayson on the pink toenails. Man, that’s just so… punk rock! I suspect from that, and from this post, that you’re a great dad. Second, I’ll just echo and expand on what wellokaythen said about this “white people obsession.” Brazilian jocks and certain European football players would probably find the “pink is for girls” idea to be pretty ridiculous. But so would Czechs and Italians, who all wear plenty of pink. This post also made me miss my pink Fred Perry polo shirt. passed on tto me by an anti-racist gay skinhead. So put that… Read more »
I really loved your piece–thank you for allowing your son to make his own choices. Masculinity is not about a color, after all. All colors should be available to all children. If you read the Smithsonian article that was posted in one of the comments, it will explain the evolution of color and gender identity. It hasn’t always been this way, but many will tell you that it’s an automatic thing. It’s not. It only becomes automatic when we inundate kids with specific color from the time they’re born and then it’s followed up with gendered marketing. As a result,… Read more »
This is all just so provincial, and just so…so…anglo, for lack of a better word. This “boys don’t wear pink” is mostly a “white people” obsession, isn’t it? There are parts of the world where totally macho men wear pink or other bright colors all the time. For the Massai in Africa, wearing clothes at all is kind of effeminate, so the men put them on mostly for the tourists.
Travel more and visit other cultures and this pink/blue question looks pretty meaningless.
! Nice perspective
AlrightyThen… I’ve travelled the northern hemi (won’t go south of the equator cuz I fear falling over the edge). I’ve experienced ample culture sample. I’ve discovered a few realities along the way. 1) Totalitarians readily point machine-guns at yer head. 2) West-German jails were as bad as those in Mexico 3) Every place you go holds a collection of social norms. In any culture or society, that culture is a reality to that society. Arrogant White Americans are not the only society to observe and adhere to these realities. You can call me “provincial.” I can walk naked through my… Read more »
I see your point. Every society has some sort of gender norms, and when people break those rules there are consequences. There’s a price to be paid, and it’s good to be realistic about that possibility. And yet…people do break gender rules in big ways or in subtle ways on a regular basis. Societies, groups of people, and individuals influence gender norms and change them. There has probably never been a society where every person always followed every single gender rule and never rebelled, never challenged, never subverted the rules. In one generation, pink and blue switched places. Some generations… Read more »
I got no problem with white Americans. Some of my best friends are white Americans….
Well…okay then 🙂
If my teenage son doesn’t like wearing pink stuff, so be it, he doesn’t have to & I ain’t forcing him. Specially when his own girlfriend thinks it’s girly & tells him so, he knows a few things by now including the principal that clothes or accessories, …etc don’t make the man, I believe it’s a non issue for the most part except when certain ideologies, institutions & individuals make it an issue then it becomes an issue, for example the effeminacy of the colour pink by breast cancer, women aid societies ,..etc, creates this idea & atmosphere in the… Read more »
We are to fill so many darn formulae in life! Are we to do it with raising our children too? Let joe six-pack raise “formula-boy.” Good formula boy! You’re just like everyone expects you to be. I did not ask if you are happy. I did not allow you to wander. Moulds must be used! Moulds must be filled! Expectations young man! Expectation! Pink-Shirt Real-Boy! You must be so sad. Clearly the form will not accept you. Clearly you are wrong. You MUST be doomed! How do you survive on your own way? Why do you smile. I see you… Read more »
They’re not dolls, they’re action figures damn it. 🙂
What’s the fundamental difference between a doll and an action figure? The only real difference is the word and the adventures your doll has. I’m not sure if girls tore off their doll’s limbs so another difference might have been intact appendages, but still.
I’m not sure if girls tore off their doll’s limbs so another difference might have been intact appendages, but still.
Considering most of my barbies ended up decapitated…
Come to think of it, there were super villain or bad guy action figures too. Where there comparable dolls for girls or was that a boy’s phenomenon? I don’t remember Barbie having a nemesis. Was that to facilitate boys play? What message did it send boys, life is strife? What message did it send to girls?
Barbie had a boring life. She-Ra had her brother He-Man and they fought Skeletor! Jem was boring by day, and punk rocker at night! And GIJoe was all about crawling on the floor to get around the living room.
There were a few heroine dolls. Ironically, they have the most value to toy collectors because of their rarity. Boys didn’t collect the girl action figures unless he was completing a collection and girls got the girly girl dolls. I wonder what brother Marcus would have thought about boys getting the “girl” action figure. Is it OK because it’s an “action figure” or does it make him effeminate because it’s a girl?
I had a Barbie playset that came with a little rubber baby. Her most frequent adventure? Acting as the pilot in my brother’s big plastic F-15, because she fit perfectly into the cockpit. 🙂
“Her most frequent adventure? Acting as the pilot in my brother’s big plastic F-15, because she fit perfectly into the cockpit.”
That’s a cool story. The world is so simple to children. She flies the plane because she fits in the cockpit. No gendered stereotype there. Barbie gonna kick some ass and take some names.
There is an infographic chart that shows the popularity of certain color names to men vs.women. The same exact shade, named differently… eg periwinkle was popular among women and slate blue among men.
When we men are unaware, afraid, and unwilling to embrace our inner life, we will reject those same qualities outside of ourselves. It’s what I did most of my life. I know that you are trying to make a broader point, however, I do not think you see the irony of what you are saying. There is nothing inherently feminine about the color pink, being emotionally sensitivity, wearing certain clothes, or playing with certain toys. That is just something we as a culture assign to femininity because we typically see females do them. Yet you seem to agree with that… Read more »
@Jacotk – great insight and to the core of many ruffled feathers.
Wanting to be perceived and feel like one is a man does not translate into a dislike/hate for those who are not.
Pink is an awful color – no one should be allowed to wear it.
You’ve all seen the pink Avon automobiles, right?
I saved $20 one time because I bought a pink Nintendo DS. None of the guys were willing to buy it from her. I offered $20 less than she was asking, which was already cheap. It was $80 for the DS and 5 games. I got them for $60.
First of all, I don’t believe your story about the 9 year old boy telling you pink is ok. I don’t believe you worked it out and the girl apologized. I believe you made it all up just to show that you had the upper hand. Pink is for girls. Your son can pick from Black, Blue, Yellow, Red, Orange, Green, Brown, White, Tan, Gray……You made your son a spectacle and you are proud about it. Men don’t paint their toenails and men don’t wear pink and you know what? There’ s nothing wrong with being all male and refusing… Read more »
Right, women should be able to wear and do anything, but men should only do half the things they can and wear only half. Because the other half will melt their brain or something?
Is this what you think life is all about? Women have more options than men when it comes to wearing colors? Women also wear skirts, dresses, capris, slacks, jeans, high heels, etc…Men wear shorts and pants. So what? I’m sure I won’t be going to my deathbed wishing I wore pink just once and that I only got to be half a person because I refused to wear a color for girls. I find it humorous that people like to always go to the extreme, just like you did when you said the “other half” will melt my brain. I… Read more »
Frank,
Forgive me, but your messages sound a little angry, and I’m not sure why there’s such a visceral reaction to all this. I don’t think the article is saying boys are supposed to wear pink or should be forced to wear pink for their own good. What is it about this discussion that triggers you so much? Is there something you’d like to share with us?
“. I said nothing of the kind. I said being a man with male standards is a proud and satisfying way of life.”
Except there is nothing inherently male about not wearing capris and not wearing pink. And nothing inherently female about wearing them. If you willfully limit yourself only to half the possibilities, while others don’t (they get 100% of the possibility), you call the being limited maleness, I call it a handicap.
I call it a strength.
I call it internalization.
Internaization….yeah. I’m good with that explication.
I don’t know if you’ve seen it, but I’ve never seen a woman wear a pink pant suit to work. I’ve seen them wear dark blue pant suits before. I’ve never seen them wear a light blue pants suit before either. I’ve worn a light blue suit to work before. Is it because business and management is a man’s occupation so they pick manly colors? Does the shade or situation impact the way society determines acceptability?
Yes.
The unwritten rule of being macho to get respect -from men and other women.
We have been assimilated for too long.
there are SOOOOO many things wrong with just being a male just as there are SOOOOO many things wrong with just being a female. you retard your soul every time you avoid embracing the wholeness of your human exsistence. If women held strictly to feminine our country would have fallen apart during WWII when there were sooo many men away at war that there were none at home to work. If men held strictly to masculine, there would be no families because they would have killed off competition (wife/child) for resources. Thank god there are women out there that embrace… Read more »
She then laughs out loud and points at my son, as if to encourage the other kids to join in making fun of him. in my experience filthy predatory bullies like this, are found in equal proportions in each gender, whether children or adult. i have found children to be the worst, most adults will avert their eyes when my eyes coldly meet theirs. being purely subconscious with limited foresight, selfcontrol, awareness more children continue their gormless grinning or disgust-look on their face. so i become theatrical in my show of aggression eg. a slight sneer smile , to impose… Read more »
‘we can wear whatever we want, just like the women do’
Nothing up-chuck-worthy about that – great response, if you ask me!
In European cities, men wear fashionable clothes and are not afraid to wear colors, like pink or lavender…and they look great! William Levy, that Cuban/Mexican soap star, wears a pink shirt on an M&M commercial….he is not only adorable and funny, but delicious!
P.S. That newspaper clipping is absolutely insane. Totally paranoid. (And I think it means ‘wary’ of coaches instead of ‘weary’ of coaches.)
Perhaps a little historical perspective?: I’m trying to find the reference, and maybe someone out there knows where to find one, but I seem to remember reading somewhere that back in the 1920’s and 30’s, the pink/blue gender divide was the exact opposite. Less than a hundred years ago, the advice was to dress your boys in pink and dress your girls in blue. Hell, if the so-called Greatest Generation could win a world war with childhoods of pink-wearing boys and blue-wearing girls, I think we can do it today without the world coming to an end. Did that little… Read more »
wello, here is the link
http://www.smithsonianmag.com/arts-culture/When-Did-Girls-Start-Wearing-Pink.html
and any man today who wears deodourant is a ‘swishy sisssy’, according to victo-edwardian masculine standards At the beginning of the 20th century, body odor was not considered a problem for men because it was a part of being masculine, explains Cari Casteel, a history doctoral student at Auburn University, who is writing her dissertation on the advertisement of deodorants and antiperspirants to men. “But then companies realized that 50 percent of the market was not using their products.” Initially copy writers for Odorno, Mum and other products “began adding snarky comments at the end of advertisements targeted to women… Read more »
Thanks for the link. Very interesting.
I’d also add that when the British built their giant global empire in the nineteenth century, their standard color scheme was that all the British-controlled areas were colored pink on their maps. Pink was the color of conquest, control, military adventure, global dominance, etc. Men went off to fight and die thousands of miles from home in order to make the map a little more pink….
I’d be willing to renounce pink for this reason, maybe, but not for the absurd idea that it’s inherently emasculating.
I read the link, but didn’t have to. Since I had my son, I could have told why the color/gender divide exists. My own mother pressed and pressed to find out the sex so she could buy “the right clothes”. She recently commented on how she is so sick of yellow because that was “all she could buy, before (he was born)” (Aside: untrue. She bought him a fleece pink bunny jammas, which I find adorable.) I purposely kept the gender unknown so my baby would NOT be pegged into a standard. I found it delightful that one of our… Read more »
Personally I never liked pink. Maybe it’s because my older sister had “dibs” on pink and would torment me if I said I liked pink too (siblings….) I don’t know, attaching genders to colors seems awfully silly.
Very silly!! Especially considering the fluidity of what’s “fashionable”. Just 100 years ago it was boys wear pink, girls wear blue.
of course boys wore dresses along with girls too but that’s now considered an even bigger sin than wearing pink!
Our society has quite the selective memory of our history.
Jayson maybe you should talk to your boy about the history of the color blue and pink. and give him a different perspective than the one he got when the girl “called him out”.
And as you can see in the story, it isn’t just men who make assumptions and do the shaming. I have always been effeminate and on the pretty side of things. I have beautiful long curly hair, and any woman would love to have my hair. I know this because they tell me, including the woman who cuts my hair. I also wear lots of pinks and lots of purples; I always have. I think pink is a very flattering color, as are purples. I’m not hairy and have almost no arm hair as well. Each and every woman I… Read more »
This sort of stereotyping of men is nonsense. Gays have always participated in rough contact sports, as they have in just about everything else. The former NFL player Esera Tuaolo, who once played in a Super Bowl game, is a recent example. There has been a series of You Tube videos directed to gay teens with the message “It Gets Better.” The latest video features appearances by Austin, Texas, police officers. One of them, who hasn’t a trace of effeminate traits but happens to be quite virile, happens to have played football before he became a cop. There are more… Read more »
slenderness is not inherently effeminate.
I agree. I was slightly built when I was a boy and suffered because of that fact, especially in mandatory P.E. I admittedly wasn’t clear in what I was saying. My scale wasn’t well thought out. At one end I was referring to body build (mesomorphic) while at the other end I was referring to mannerisms (slightly effeminate). Not only is this scale inconsistent, but also it breaks down. I once chanced upon a cable TV program that dealt with remodeling homes. The guy who was in charge of the remodeling was a powerfully built guy who had a feminine… Read more »
no worries man, i had suspected it was a word association slip, as it seemed strange that your post would show nuance and then finish off equating effeminacy to slenderness.
i should have been more measured in my comment
No sweat, my friend! 🙂 I’m glad you said what you did. My model or scale was a bit messed up. Everything’s cool! 🙂
I was thinking something similar about the list in that newspaper clipping. Treat your son like it says on the list, and IF it works at all to affect his behavior, you will just wind up with a really butch gay son who hates you.
Whoever wrote that list probably has his own closeted issues he needs to work out.
I’m at a lacrosse tournament and a kid on a team that my son is playing is wearing a bright pink helmet & gloves.
I observe to a buddy that you need some balls or really want to be noticed by the recruiters to wear a hot pink helmet.
And a woman nearby says “or have a mother who has breast cancer””
That’s why I don’t keep a gun in the glove compartment any more…..