Last weekend I was out and about running errands. My daughter was sleeping over at a friends’ house, and I had the night to myself. It isn’t uncommon these days for me to spend most of my weekends child-less. My baby is not a baby anymore, and she would much rather “hang” with her pals than stay home with Mom.
Walking to my car in the grocery store parking lot, a text message stopped me dead in my tracks.
Mom I Kissed Max
What in the world? She kissed him? What does that even mean at her age?
Wow, honey, your first kiss? Have fun!
What???? Unsend. Unsend. Have Fun? What was I thinking? Shit!
I was completely speechless. I didn’t know how to respond. I had no clue how to make up for my stupid “have fun” reply. I was at a loss.
We are close and talk openly. I have often doubted myself for the blurry line I’ve created between friend and parent. I worry it will prevent me from stepping up when I need to. On the other hand, I take pride in the fact that she feels like she can talk to me.
But now she’s kissing boys, and I’m questioning everything.
Have I blurred the line too much? Do I really want to know everything? Will I be able to listen, guide, and also discipline if things continue to flow this way between us?
I want to be her friend. I want her to feel like she can come to me always, no matter what. She is my friend, maybe even my best friend.
Am I right? Am I a good Mom? Or am I scared to death?
I am Scared.
There are times I should probably put my foot down and say no. I should follow through 100% of the time when I’ve said, “I will take that precious phone if she doesn’t…”
I am afraid to lose her though. I don’t want the iron fist to scare away the little girl that texts her Mom five minutes after her first kiss. I want her to share everything with me. I feel like I stand more of a chance of gently guiding her to doing the right thing than forcing her into doing it because “I said so.”
I am not naïve though. I know she is a teenager. I know she could use that fear against me at any time. I know by being her friend, she has the advantage. Am I standing at the top of a very slippery slope?
I am afraid that my dumb, “have fun” response to a first kiss text is the wrong message. Should I have said, “There are boys there? Where are the parents” No more kissing. I’m coming to get you right now.”
But if I did, would she tell me next time? Maybe not, and then I won’t be there helping her to make smart decisions as boys and sex take over her world.
But if she texts, “Mom, I’m having sex with Boy 1 and his friends, and then running away to sell my hair for drugs,” I’ll step up, right? I’ll get in the car and go get my daughter and drag her home by the hair, right?
I think so, but now I worry I will say, “have fun.”
It’s so easy to not worry about that fine line between a friend and a parent when they are smaller. But shit got real for me last weekend when I realized that boys were now in the picture. I was “stupid” as a teenager all in the name of impressing the boys. I don’t want that for her, of course. I want her to have fun and be happy, but more importantly, I want her to make smart decisions.
Can I lead my daughter correctly and still be her friend, or will I sit home just as speechless when she really needs a parent, iron fist and all?
The plan, for now, is to take it one day at a time and pray that I’ll adjust my approach as needed. I enjoy being her friend, but I will continue to remind myself that her future self’s well-being is far more important than us having a smooth weekend and me staying in the loop.
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This post was previously published on A Parent Is Born.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean? | My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me | The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex | The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence |
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