Boundary-setting has always been a tough topic for me. I often try to avoid conflict and tension at all costs — even if that means getting hurt. I prioritize others feeling comfortable and liking me, so I don’t want to mess with that by limiting them in any way. I’m not alone in this: According to Kristen Lee, a mental health clinician and researcher, many people struggle to set boundaries for three reasons: they fear they’ll miss out on a special memory, they’re perfectionists, or they’ve been socially conditioned to do things for other people no matter how they feel.
Add on the fact that people disrespected the few boundaries I put in place, and no wonder I have a complicated relationship with setting them. People touched and talked to me in ways that made me feel unsafe and uncomfortable, and they did so even after I’d made that clear. After a while, I couldn’t help but believe my voice didn’t matter. After a while, I decided I didn’t have a reason to speak up if it wouldn’t change anything. I figured I’d still make it through, as I have for 23 years now.
However, as I expected, living with this attitude didn’t help either. Since I didn’t even attempt to set boundaries or stop putting up with certain people’s toxicity, I grew even more hopeless and felt even more used. Sure, I wasn’t dealing with the same pain as before because I hadn’t set a boundary to begin with, but I still didn’t feel okay with the way some people treated me. Some situations were more innocent — like people moralizing food without realizing that could trigger my disordered eating — but others were more harmful, like inappropriately yelling at or touching me.
It’s Good to Set Boundaries
When I expressed my despair to my therapist, she shared a message that I needed to hear:
“Just because someone breaks your boundaries doesn’t mean you weren’t right to set them. I want you to be proud of yourself for speaking up. You did the right thing.”
When I heard this reminder, I had three thoughts: This is exactly what I need to hear. While I’m not sure I can bring myself to believe this 100 percent yet, I know there’s truth to what she’s saying. I just need to remind myself of this fact more often.
“You’re right,” I replied, nodding in response and trying to take that new information in. I knew I was about to begin a long journey on the road to self-respect, boundary-setting, and tolerating tension. I wanted to take my pain and let it propel me toward a future where I consistently set boundaries and felt proud of myself regardless of the outcome.
How to Set Boundaries Effectively
While I don’t blame myself for the times in which others crossed the line, I believe making sure I’m being as effective and communicative as I can be is helpful, especially after a period of giving up. According to Healthline, we can create clear boundaries in four ways: being assertive, saying no, safeguarding our spaces, and reaching out for support.
One skill I’ve used that helps with self-assertion, which Healthline also suggests, is using “I statements.” This tool helped me be firm without coming across as accusatory. An “I statement” looks like this: “I feel ____ when ____ because ____. What I need is ____.” One example Healthline gives is “I feel violated when you read my journal because I value privacy. What I need is a space that I know is private to record my thoughts.” In contrast to saying something like “Keep your hands off my journal,” this “I statement” is calmer, ignites empathy, and expresses specific needs.
As far as saying no, remembering we’re actually allowed to do that can be a big enough feat in and of itself. As a people pleaser, I hate saying no, and I feel like I always have to give a legitimate excuse. However, as both the Healthline article and my therapist have said, simply saying the word “no” is all that’s required of us. We don’t owe anyone any more than that.
I also believe it’s important to clarify that we can also say no to a relationship as a whole. Some relationships are not meant to be, and we deserve to be a part of ones that make us feel safe, loved, and happy more often than unhappy.
When safeguarding spaces, realize this means more than locking your bedroom door or hiding your pens. We can also safeguard mental spaces and our time, for example. Learning to take breaks, turning my notifications off, and not engaging in more emotional labor than I can have changed my life in a crucial way for my well-being — and most of these only required passive actions that didn’t result in any drama whatsoever. Ever since I decided to fight hustle culture in that way, I’ve felt happier and more genuinely productive. Science shows this, too: When we set boundaries around work and take breaks, we improve our health, decision-making, motivation, productivity, creativity, memory consolidation, and learning.
Lastly, and maybe most importantly, don’t be afraid to reach out for professional help from a mental health expert. Therapy has saved me many times, especially since I struggle with anxiety, conflict, trauma, and boundary-setting. I love Psychology Today’s database for filtering through providers, and The Mighty also lists some cheaper options in an article.
Setting Boundaries Can Change Your Life
Now that I’ve used those steps to set boundaries around who I spend time with and what I’m comfortable with, I’m happier and my relationships are healthier. By spending time with people I trust and setting boundaries with them, we actually have less conflict because they know what to avoid. Additionally, they love me just as much as before. My fears about losing good relationships and love to boundary-setting were squashed — likely because feelings aren’t facts, which embodies another crucial lesson my therapist taught me.
In fact, I appreciate knowing other people’s boundaries so I don’t have to worry as often that I might accidentally hurt them. A part of setting boundaries is also understanding and respecting others’ boundaries. We have to understand how they work, realize when people are setting them, and find helpful ways to communicate. Boundaries are definitely a two-way street.
However, I still keep in mind that even when someone disrespects my boundaries or misunderstands, I did the right thing and deserve to feel proud. I need to take care of myself. And I have come a long way, after all.
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This post was previously published on Medium.
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