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I was filled with a deep sense of dread.
It was morning and I was getting ready to go to a college lecture.
I didn’t dread going to class. I dreaded being around people.
Every day was a struggle.
My face would be flush with embarrassment when I biked to class because I thought everyone was staring and laughing at me.
I felt self-conscious when I walked across crosswalks because I felt I everyone in their cars were judging me.
I was filled with claustrophobia when I stood in line, and my mind would go blank with terror when I had to present in front of class.
I was terrified of looking someone in the eyes.
I felt lonely and helpless.
Years later I would learn I suffered from social anxiety.
This is what caused my social anxiety
Shame is the core cause of social anxiety.
Shame is a condition where you feel fundamentally inferior and defective. As the saying goes: Guilt is about what you did, shame is about who you are.
The following led me to be ashamed of myself:
Helicopter parents
My mother micromanaged everything. I wasn’t given the allowance to think for myself, fail, and learn from my mistakes. This stifled my self-sufficiency, and I became reliant on an outside source for guidance. Ultimately, I did not believe in myself.
Growing up in an emotionally unstable household
I was the emotionally whipping boy for my parents’ relationship issues. All the anger, insecurity, and resentment between my parents spilled over onto me. As a child, I believed I was partly to blame for my parents’ struggles.
In addition, achievement was over-stressed in my household. I started to equate my self-worth with how much I achieved. I was punished and blamed whenever I did not bring home the best grades or awards. Over time, I started to believe I wasn’t good enough.
Bullying
Years of bullying and not asserting myself made me feel like I was bullied because I was defective. This formed a cycle of learned helplessness.
The conglomeration of these experiences made me feel I was repulsive and unworthy of love. As a result, I was afraid to be seen because I believed people would shun me and hurt me once they saw who I really was.
Avoidance became my self-defense mechanism of choice.
My journey and triumph over social anxiety
I hit my breaking point one Thursday night.
I was sitting in my college apartment and the sounds of people heading over to campus parties drifted through the window blinds.
A deep pang of loneliness hit me. I desperately wanted to make new friends, to go to parties, and live the college experience. All of this seemed like an impossible dream though.
But, something inside of me shifted. I had believed I was repulsive to people, but what if I were wrong?
If I tried to socialize and people were repulsed by me, at the very least I would prove myself right. But, if I made friends and met women, then I would prove myself wrong and my life would improve.
I had so much to gain and very little to lose.
I started to put myself in situations that made me socially anxious. It wasn’t always smooth sailing, but I slowly built up my confidence.
I started to go to college parties, meet women, and make friends. That eventually became the norm.
I had done it!
How to kick social anxiety in the butt
Believe you can overcome social anxiety
The first step to overcoming social anxiety is to believe you can overcome social anxiety. I’ve worked with people suffering from social anxiety and a common phrase I hear is: “It’s too late”.
This breaks my heart because it is the furthest thing from the truth.
Our answers will shrink and expand according to the questions we ask ourselves. If these people asked what if they could overcome social anxiety, then their focus would shift to what is possible.
Do what you fear
Overcoming social anxiety requires you to do what you fear. This involves putting yourself around people and situations that make you anxious.
However, this does not need to overwhelming. I found it immensely helpful to break the action I had to do into baby steps.
For example, I would try to stand in line for just 10 seconds if I were scared of standing in line. Then, I would stand in line for 20 seconds. Then, it would be for 45 seconds. And so on…
Wash, rinse, and repeat.
Putting myself in situations that made me socially anxious gave me real-world experience that the majority of people were nice and weren’t out to hurt me.
Build your self-esteem
As mentioned prior, social anxiety has its roots in shame. A person with shame issues believes he or she doesn’t matter.
Having self-esteem is the opposite of shame.
Do things to communicate to yourself that you DO matter such as:
• Set goals and follow through on them
• Keep commitments to yourself
• Accept yourself fully for who you are
• Take full responsibility for your life
As long as what you do has the undertone “I matter”, then you are on the right track.
Conclusion
Social anxiety is a debilitating state to live in. But, it can be overcome.
As long as you do what you fear and build your self-esteem, then social anxiety will start to lose its grip on you.
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Photo: Getty Images