Eli and Josie help a couple figure out whether or not it matters that she’s attracted to Black men, when she’s married to a White guy.
Author’s note: We’re not sure if these questions are related (in the same household) or not, but they came to our inbox around the same time, so we thought we’d answer them as a unit. If they are a pair, then hopefully we can help to begin a dialogue between the questioners. If not, that’s okay. Everyone else gets a SSHS 2-for-1 special!
Dear Sexes(#1): I have been married to my wife for 24 years. I have noticed for a few years that she seems to be attracted to big black guys and goes out of her way to talk to them. Should I be worried?
Dear Sexes (#2): I am a married white woman, and I have a strong desire to have sex with a black man. Not sure why, and if I should go for it or not.
She Said: First, to the husband in question #1 – Everyone has a fantasy life. It’s hard to tell from these questions whether your wife has expressed this attraction verbally or if you’ve just noticed it on your own. If it’s something you have a hunch about, it could be that you’re being hypersensitive to the issue. For instance, if she had the same conversation with a white dude, you may not even notice because of the fact that he’s like you.
But when she talks to Black guys, you take note because you think to yourself, “He’s not like me. Maybe she wants someone who’s not like me.” Or maybe one time she was chatting with a Black guy, and you felt somewhat insecure about it, and then after that you may have created confirmation bias toward her being more friendly with Black guys.
I think the first step for you, sir, is to try to really step back and examine the possibility that you may be seeing this “attraction” simply because you’re afraid of it. It may not be there at all.
And if you’re afraid of it, that doesn’t necessarily make you racist. It probably feeds more into the fact that you want her to want you—and for her “type” to be a match to what you have to offer.
Regardless, this seems like an issue of security in your marriage, and I would suggest seeing a trusted professional to talk things through. If she’s unsatisfied for any reason, it’s better to know now so you can figure out how to repair that. If you’re having issues of jealousy or insecurity, you gotta figure that out, too.
Now, on to the wife in question #2. Remember that thinking Black guys are hot is normal. Black guys are hot. So are white guys, Latino guys, Asian guys, Inuit guys, First Nation guys, Eastern European guys, Middle Eastern guys, Indian guys, South American guys, West African guys, any nationality I haven’t covered… You catch my drift. If you like guys, then guys are hot!
Of course we all have features we’re more attracted to, and sometimes skin color or other features are captured in these preferences. But you were attracted to your husband once, and so we’re not going to rule him out.
This may be a case of putting too much mojo on a feeling because somehow it seems important, when it really may not be. To find another guy attractive when you’re married is normal. To find a number of other guys attractive is normal. (Of course, it’s also totally okay if someone who’s married isn’t attracted to other people, too.) I know you probably think it’s not in this case, due to the fact that he’s of a different race than your husband, but remember that Black men are MEN. It’s weird how, in our society, we’re still carrying forth racist themes from hundreds of years ago that mythologize the hyper-sexual Black man. Most of the time we don’t even know we’re doing it, but it’s very present.
The truth is, guys are guys. There will be some you’re attracted to, some you’re not. There will be some Black men that you could potentially fall in love with and some that you would hate. The same will be true for white men.
In other words, your desire to be with another guy has less to do with his race, and probably more to do with issues in your marriage.
And unless you’re in a polyamorous or otherwise open marriage, then NO I do not think you should “go for it”. Emphatically.
If you are in an open relationship, just remember to be honest and honor the commitments you’ve made to your husband.
He Said: #1, What makes you so concerned, if your wife is just talking to these men? Are you not black? Are you not big? Do you think she’s developing a “type” of man that’s totally different from you? Maybe these men exhibit a behavior or personality trait that your wife finds intriguing. Again, if she’s just talking to them, try not to lose too much sleep over it. Is she flirting (in front of you) with these guys?
Regardless of any of these answers, I recommend you concentrate on strengthening the connection between you and your wife—emotionally, physically, etc… Even if things are good now, there’s always room for improvement. And ultimately, if the bond between you is strong, nothing can threaten that—not even big Black men. Kidding, kidding.
#2, In this case, once you go Black, you never go back… to being married. If your marriage is based on monogamy, then it’s irrelevant what type of guy you’d be sleeping with, only that he’s not your spouse.
If you have strong desires to sleep with someone else, you’ve got to ask yourself why? What are you gaining that you don’t have with your current partner? Are there elements of your current marriage that are lacking, or need working on? Remember, your spouse is your life partner, so communicate your concerns and desires. You may be looking outward for new experiences, because things are not going exactly the way you want with your spouse.
Work with each other, and you may be (pleasantly) surprised by the results. Now, if your marriage is not a monogamous one, don’t sweat your desires. Just let your spouse know your plan. As long as it’s clearly okay with both of you, you should be able to quench your thirsts with a man of any color you choose! Just remember, to practice safe quenching.
Photo: Flickr/JD Hancock