Here is the best (and free) advice to men who are tired of jumping through hoops. Just stop.
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Dammit Steve, she is always complaining about something I haven’t done right. She says the work I’ve been doing on myself isn’t working for her. She isn’t happy with how I reacted to her being upset last night. There is always a new “hoop” to jump through to satisfy her and I can never see it coming. It’s like she’s testing me over and over again and it’s pissing me off. I’m tired of hearing about the things she doesn’t like. How hard would it be for her to say something she DOES like?
~ Kevin
This type of email is one of the most common ones I receive from good men trying their best to become a better man and husband. Have you ever felt the frustration Kevin feels?
If you keep falling for her subconscious tests to make you jump, she will lose trust, respect and attraction to you.
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He has committed to learning how to be more aware, more engaged and more connected with his wife. Kevin has stepped up his game and is holding himself more accountable for being more present and in more control of his angry reactions and his tendency to argue. He feels pretty good about that.
But he’s missing an important lesson about “hoop jumping”. And until he gets it, he will always feel frustrated.
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Jump Through Your Own Damn Hoops, Kevin
This is the best advice I can give to any hoop jumping man.
- Set your own hoops.
- Only jump through your own hoops.
- Don’t miss.
- Be consistent.
Setting your own hoops means knowing what you expect from you. Then it means doing what you expect from you because you want to. You get to set the standards by which you operate – nobody else – not even your wife
And I can guarantee you that she really doesn’t want to “make you” jump through her hoops. She wants you to jump through your own. If you keep falling for her subconscious tests to make you jump, she will lose trust, respect and attraction to you.
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Everybody knows this old saying:
Man who tries to please others by jumping through their hoops will always be tired and pissed off.
Okay. So I just made that up. But in my humble (but correct) opinion…it’s a really good saying.
The biggest reason we jump through other people’s hoops is because we have no idea yet what our hoops are. We haven’t taken the time or made the effort to seriously work out exactly what we expect from ourselves.
We don’t know what we believe about arguing and conflict, so we just react when it happens.
We don’t know where we stand about sharing the workload at home, so we wait to be told what to do.
We don’t know what we think about our role in creating intimacy, so we blame her for being cold.
The key here is to make a decision that we want to clearly know what we believe so we can finally start jumping through our own hoops.
But, it’s hard. I know. It’s easy to fall for the challenge of jumping through her hoops. It’s like a game.
A game we will lose every time.
Why We’re Such Suckers for Her Hoops
If you’re anything like me you spent your first 18 years of life getting a PhD in pleasing women. This included teachers, aunts, girlfriends and mom. Whatever they asked – whatever they needed – whatever they expected it was my job to “giterdone”.
It was almost a competitive sport. I’d see how high I could jump and how pleased I could make them. It was the certain path to “goodboyhood” and guaranteed approval and affection. And I was really, really good at it. It worked like a charm. Jump through their hoops and be their hero. This would surely be a skill that would serve me well in marriage.
Then I discovered how ridiculously wrong I was.
This may be where you are now.
Warning: Setting Your Own Hoops May Come With Side Effects
If you’ve been trying to jump through her hoops, you will raise suspicion with your wife when you change.
She’ll wonder what you’re up to. She won’t trust you to set them correctly. Or she may love that you are setting your own hoops but will test you to see if she can knock you off track.
You are a man who is clear in what he believes and what he expects of himself. This process in itself is the payoff.
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She WANTS to trust you to set your own hoops and she needs for you to be consistent. She wants to know you really want to do it for you – not her.
You’ll be afraid of her reaction. You’ll look over your shoulder. You’ll ask “is this okay?” You may seek her permission or approval to do it your way.
Then you may seek validation that you’ve done a good job. Aren’t my changes wonderful? Won’t you give me approval and affection now that I’ve done a good job?
Yeah, don’t do that. She hates that. Trust me.
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Your motivation for setting your own hoops is critical. You are a man who is clear in what he believes and what he expects of himself. This process in itself is the payoff. No longer jumping for approval is the payoff.
You are not a man who pretends to be self-motivated and self-respecting. You don’t have a hidden intention to manipulate her into giving you love, approval or affection.
She will want to give her love, approval and affection to a man who doesn’t give a crap about what he gets out of jumping through his own hoops!
That reminds me of another great saying:
A man must be more committed to the process of becoming who he wants to be than he is to achieving any particular outcome as a result of it.
Okay. I stole that one from about 50 other men who said it before me.
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If you are a man who wants to quit hoop jumping and start creating a happier relationship, download the free E-book “The Hard-to-Swallow Secret to Saving Your Marriage” by clicking HERE.
Photo sweetjen34/Flickr
As a woman, I find this article so pleasing. You would not BELIEVE all the articles there are out there on the subject of pleasing men. What do they want? What do they like? Don’t do that, say that, wear that, and the list goes on and on. One finds oneself thinking, damn! why is it just we women think about all this? Why can’t we be [sorry, guys] less self-aware and self-critical like men are, and just go with the flow? Thus my pleasure at an article like this that shows you men do care, and care very much,… Read more »
Why is it always the mans fault? How about the wife change?
Nah, that’s not this guys M.O.
“If you’re anything like me you spent your first 18 years of life getting a PhD in pleasing women”
I think for many of us men it is more like the first 30, 40, or even 50 years. With much regret, I must include myself in this number.
Great piece Steve. I enjoyed it very much.
Hi Jay, Thanks for your comment! I know what you are getting at, but the important point for men is this. You have zero control over her choices and her reactions to your changes. Yes, tension will be created. That’s the point – tension creates the polarity which creates movement which creates change. And if you don’t create this change, nothing will change. Yes, she will need to make the choice of how she responds to those changes and to the invitation to improve the relationship. But the biggest problem couples have at this point is waiting for some magical,… Read more »
I agree and disagree with this. Absolutely you must set your own hoops. That’s your responsibility in your own life. No one else can do it for you. But also… she is responsible for setting her own… NOT yours. There are two people at fault for this situation and somehow you both agreed to it. She agreed to set your hoops.. you agreed to jump through them. Changing the rules now will undoubtedly lead to tension… at the very least. In my view, these learned behaviors need to be addressed directly. You might have a PHD is hoop jumping.. but… Read more »
I corresponded with Paul Coughlin–No More Christian Nice Guy–and asked if he’d wondered about the effect of his change on his wife and their lives together. Apparently, she wasn’t happy, but there were habits, years of habits, and disorientation in the offing.
His response was that he was so desperate that he couldn’t think about that. I’m glad it worked out for them, but it does buttress the possibility that the wife chose the guy for that reason, or manipulated him to be a hoop-jumper, or is wedded (sorry) to the status quo however they got there.
Stop jumping and start expecting. Pretty easy. Once you teach a wife like this that she is your wife and not your mother or critic, this will become less an issue. If it continues, then very simply she is not the woman for you, and you have every right to move on from her to a good woman that will be your partner, and not your warden. You are not there to earn her approval, you are there to be part of an equal, and equally respectable relationship. You don’t have that then you are just struggling in quick sand.… Read more »
Go ahead and steal it, DJ. I probably stole from someone else.
Thanks for your comments, brother.
Steve
So, from the time you start on this new road to the time she quits complaining about it is how long?
My answer is always the same here, Richard.
You stay on the new road until a 2×4 hits you in the head and tells you to change out the passengers in your bus. Same advice for a woman in he same boat as Kevin.
But staying on the road is not negotiable.