Question: My wife and I are going through a rough patch, married for 8 years-together for 9, everything was great until January of this year I want to go for job in Oklahoma. She told me she didn’t know if she want to be married anymore. Well that went from that to she just wants space. Now she’s distant, wants to sleep in separate rooms. On top of that there’s another guy that lives in another state that she wants to move into his house. Every time I try to talk to my wife she’s just really short, really shut down, enclosed. I’ve tried to talk to her about it I’ll try to mention it in different ways I’ve even tried to be supportive. I just I don’t know what else to do. I don’t want to lose my wife. I love my wife, that’s why. She makes me feel that she doesn’t love me, even though she says she does. Please help.
Answer: First I’m really grateful that you’ve reached out for support… It’s so much easier to hide and blame or spinning your head. Bravo for your courage. I send you SO much compassion. Let’s turn these discouraged feelings around and give you some effective communications that would provide resolution and forward movement for you and your wife.
I hear you that every time you seem to attempt to speak with her she shuts down which must be extraordinarily frustrating and disheartening to you.
When we think a situation is ‘wrong’… we resist it. Our energy/point of view is that we want to fix it. Thus when we approach people to talk, they feel like we want to fix THEM.
Thus I recommend you move from resistance of what’s happening to allowance… you don’t have to like it or prefer it… just pull back a bit into your center. Into acceptance. Even into curiosity. She’ll feel less threatened, pushed or manipulated and hopefully begin to open up and stay connected.
Next I encourage you to suggest going for a walk in nature, and engaging in a form of communication that would get you to a deeper truth and not erupt into fights or shutting down… It’s called a Dyad and it’s in my fourth book called 7 steps to manifest your beloved... It’s in chapter 5. Rituals of intimacy.
The idea is to ask each other three simple questions,
Tell me something you like about me. (5 minutes back and forth)
Tell me something you think we align on. (5 minutes back and forth)
Tell me something you want me to understand that you think I don’t understand. (20 minutes)
The ground rules are you’re only allowed to say thank you, which doesn’t mean you agree, just that you understand. This makes it safe for everyone to be real and not fixed, argued with etc.
What if you set the timer and go for a walk each day and alternate back and forth with the only goal being understanding… for now let go of the goal of staying together or breaking up… Thinking about that just makes you get upset and attached to the outcome… Let’s just stay present and learn what’s going on under the surface.
My gut says the two of you haven’t been talking about what you appreciate about each other, or where you’re on the same page OR about the elephants in the living room for a while and it’s gotten out of hand. So it could take a good week of this 30-minute conversation to really get to the core of why she’s distant and wants to leave.
Once you understand the core of what’s going on, then we could actually change it. But until then my sense is the more you try the more you’re pushing her away.
Another core piece that I want to leave you with is that even though I love that you love your wife, and I love that you want to make your marriage work… Remember that you are whole and complete in yourself whether this marriage has run it’s course or not. And so is she.
If you think you need her in order to be okay, that neediness is going to push her away. I know your preference is to stay together and I am her to support that… yet these conversations are going to go better if your first priority is your intimate relationship with your SELF.
Thus if you pull back slightly into a center place inside rather than leaning forward trying to force the outcome… You will actually become more desirable and respected… and you’ll feel more centered and confident as you navigate the difficult waters.
Lastly, if once you have some conversations and discover that there are some core issues that need to be healed for your marriage to work, or if you simply require support in HAVING these dyads… OR if you require support to dissolve your partnership in a way that’s honoring and conscious and kind, even filled with gratitude for the journey… I’m here.
I don’t judge. I’m not attached to the outcome. I’m a stand for each of your being your best self, each living your deepest truth, for you using these bumps as learnings to grow more deeply connected to yourself and to one another… and that you come out the other side better for having leaned into the challenge with your heart open. I would be honored to serve as a couples counselor. You can reach out for support by registering for a discounted $97 session at www.AllanaPratt.com/connect