MB Cowan delves into the real world of sex offenses against children, where media stereotypes fail to address the reality of both victims and offenders, and where draconian laws may do more harm than good.
PEDOPHILE – the word conjures up images of deranged and dirty old men lurking in shadowy places, child molesters hiding in alleys and under bridges, prowling the streets with puppies, handing out candy in schoolyards.
We want to believe it happens to others, that it does not occur in loving homes and will never happen to us. But it does. We want to believe that women do not molest and rape children. But they do. We claim that boys are “lucky” to have sex so early. They are not. Rape and molestation do not constitute good fortune and the abused boys suffer lifelong trauma.
We hold tightly unto the belief that those whom we trust are worthy. Not necessarily. Abuse often comes from those we trust. We want to believe that people are receptive to hearing the truth. But they are not. We are told Uncle Charlie was “teaching” us about sex, auntie was “playing” with you, and dad was just “checking.” When the veil of denial is lifted, and these acts are recognized for the rape they were, oh, how it hurts.
We sometimes pretend that if a child experiences pleasure during molestation, that makes it okay; it is never okay. A physical response to forced stimulation is not remotely similar to consensual pleasure, and adds to the disgust, shame, confusion, guilt and self-loathing that these survivors feel.
We fear that abused children will inevitably grow up to abuse. No one is destined to be an offender. As with any trauma, treatment is necessary to heal, undo guilt, shame, fears and the cluster of maladaptive beliefs and behaviors. Those who receive treatment and share their story seem unlikely to repeat.
We falsely believe we are safer by enacting harsh laws for keeping known offenders “far away,” ostracizing them into chronic unemployment and homelessness. We fear the ones in our neighborhood and want to drive them out, despite the fact that they have an extremely low recidivism rate. The Department of Justice reports only 5% reoffend with a sex crime, but the media continues to report and perpetuate the myth of the incurable pedophile monster. The greatest danger is not from those offenders who have been caught, but from the unknown ones who have not.
The responsibility for prevention and treatment is in the hands of the individual who has intrusive sexual thoughts, impulses and urges towards children, especially when they have never yet acted on those impulses. It is also in the hands of the community and treatment providers to make treatment affordable, accessible and non-shaming. By stigmatizing a person for suffering a mental disorder, we drive that person into the shadows where her disorder festers. Treatment must begin when a child is abused, or when an adult individual first experiences sexual urges and intrusive thoughts about children.
The barriers to treatment are nigh-insurmountable. One faces the stigma of being labeled a pedophile, the fear of a police investigation for a crime one has not actually committed, the loss of reputation and employment, the difficulty in finding a skilled and affordable therapist and a bleak future. No one can afford to have his name associated with the diagnosis of pedophile on an insurance form. The word itself means the end of any life in normal society, and too often the beginning of a life in the shadows.
Approaching treatment in a realistic and humane way, the term pedophile must be retired. The majority of individuals classed as pedophiles should, more correctly, be diagnosed with Posttraumatic Stress Disorder/Trauma, sub-set – Sexually Abused Child Syndrome; those who have not acted out, and those who have. SACS use children to medicate themselves and for their own gratification in the clutches of posttraumatic stress disorder, with obsessive-compulsive features, and often dissociation.
I want to believe that in the 21st century, we have the opportunity and the motivation to face this vile disorder. Individuals are coming forward with their past victimization, schools of psychology and social work are addressing it and an entire field in sex abuse is available. Offenders, when accepted as having PTSD and are given the opportunity to receive affordable help, are more likely to seek treatment. Imagine billboards and ads: “There is someone you can talk to” or “Get help before you hurt.”
Those who offend against a child require intensive daily treatment, usually under confinement, for at least 5 years. The journey is difficult; not all make it. The critical factor is breaking the denial, often taking a year of confrontation in a daily group. Following that, the individual rebuilds her reality, learns to communicate effectively, take responsibility, develop empathy and compassion for others, manage anger appropriately, learn what triggers her, what her high risks are and how to redirect maladaptive thoughts and behaviors. Then, a relapse prevention plan is developed. Upon release, the success or failure of that person hinge upon a support group, job and place to live. At present, laws and social attitudes are thoroughly designed to make it as hard as possible to succeed, and thus much, much easier to relapse. The same slogan suggested for the individual may apply to the community: “Help before you hurt.”
Photo—eperales/Flickr
This issue is always full of emotion. One person claims this, and the other that. Opinions are like orifices, everyone ha at least one. I say deal with the subject matter in a logical manner, without emotion, and see where it leads. However, due to myths and traditional beliefs and denials, child sex offenders will barely be given a chance to survive in modern day society. We accept robbery and murder, but deny sexual abuse…how strange!
“What’s in a name? that which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet;” or have the stench of an individual who would harm a child.
Intellectualizing and head-tripping offer nothing to a child in need. Hopefully, others will provide articles and add what information they find helpful so mom and dad can protect their child from the deranged and twisted thoughts and behaviors of those how molest children.
I have to say that I was both bemused and surprised to discover this whole set of articles drafted under the name MBCowan. I am not noted for holding my words – but I may make an exception here to expand upon concerns and illuminate them. I have read each post and analysed the comments and feedback closely. I have been struck by patterns that, given the subject and claims made, I find alarming and even inexplicable in light of claims made. There is a consistent patterns of disorganisation in thought and reason, coupled with repeated revisionism that is not… Read more »
I must admit, the more of Cowan’s articles I read the more the hairs on the back of my neck have stood up. You’ve managed to articulate many concerns much better than I could, my knee-jerk summation being, “I think this guy is full of crap,” but not entirely able to articulate why. This article in particular I found troubling. He claims only 5% recidivism however the article he cites is limited to being re-arrested within three years for a similar crime. Not a particularly good metric. I hope GMP does a better job of vetting articles that go up… Read more »
‘believe the children’ is a formula for disaster without independent supporting evidence… um, no. is believing a woman when she says she was raped a formula for disaster?
Without supporting evidence, yes, that’s also a formula for disaster. When an accusation alone is counted as proof, there’s no “innocent until proven guilty”, and no justice – no matter what the crime. Accusations are often a good reason to investigate and try to confirm or disconfirm the allegation, but when accusations alone are enough to ruin someone’s life or get one’s way, that increases the proportion of false accusations. Allegations of rape or sexual abuse should be taken seriously, but not automatically believed out of some feeling that no one would possibly ever lie about such things. It happens.
When a child tells a parent that some one abused her, I suggest that parent believe the child and comfort her, then, the next step is to call the police and let the police investigate. In Tennessee, everyone is required to report – without proof – based solely on a child’s statement of abuse. Any report will be investigated and the results used in a divorce proceeding. Courts require supporting evidence of those accusations, and a parent who fails to report has committed a crime. The best interest of the child – we are talking about a child – comes… Read more »
We should also keep in mind that false accusations happen, and that ‘believe the children’ is a formula for disaster without independent supporting evidence.
After all, there’s nothing easier than making a false accusation in a divorce proceeding to ensure that the custody ruling goes your way.
Great article.
Leia, labels can easily mislead us into dark and dead-end roads, blocking effective help and harming people along the way. Thanks for sharing.
-mbcowan
That is so true what you say about overcoming the barriers to treatment…at the end of our relationship I urged him to get professional help since I could no longer help him….I think I stayed so long because he said I was helping him somehow (in truth, he used me like he was using heroin)…he refused to seek psychological or psychiatric help (he said he was better off going to some bar and talking to some random stranger there!)… I stopped worrying about him for a LONG time until he made contact out of the blue…I did not speak to… Read more »