So much has changed in the past year that JJ Vincent decided his Big Gay Agenda needed an update.
Last year, I wrote my Big Gay Agenda and posted it here to clarify some things for those who are confused about what us gays are out to do.
But things have changed. The Agenda has shifted, as Agendas often do.
It’s 2014. But if I’m understanding this correctly, my agenda, on any given day, includes destroying heterosexual marriages, unraveling the fabric of society, undermining family values, brainwashing children, circulating petitions, filing lawsuits, trying to get married, trying to marry my dog, luring innocent heterosexual men into a lifetime of debauchery, taking over prime time television, taking over daytime television, and ensuring the downfall of a bunch of states.
Obviously, you’ve has gotten some bad information. I’d like to take a moment and clarify a few things. Maybe it will help you sleep better at night. The most important things you need to know about me is: I am a person. And like most people, I do have an agenda. So to all of you who are confused about what The Gays are up to, here’s an insider look for a typical week.
1. Go to work.
2. Scoop the cat litter.
3. Make sure all 9 four-leggeds are fed and watered.
3a. Clean up after the four-legged who insists that the deck is her own personal potty.
4. Pack lunches.
5. (Daily) Make sure I have the Five Essentials to Daily Gay Living: cell phone, wallet, keys, computer, Pink Fluffy Foam Headphones
6. Check on Marriage Equality and discrimination law news.
6a. Watch favorite youtube kitten videos after reading the comments to Marriage Equality news.
7. Excavate the kitchen counters and make or assemble meals.
8. Realize I’m one item short of recipe, fill in with whatever’s handy.
8a. Be very grateful that the makings for Emergency Quesadilla are always in the fridge.
9. Set down to work on The Good Men Project, or sew, or do neither because I am now a cat cushion.
10. Catch up on my blogroll and twitter feed when the kitten gives my computer back.
11. Clean up after whatever animal has decided to lose their lunch.
12. Work Fantasy Nascar teams.
13. With partners, begin calculations on the amount of glitter needed to glitterbomb the anti-gay talking head of the day.
13a. Abandon Project Glitter when we realize we don’t have bail.
14. Check Netflix with the hope that Golden Girls, Little House on the Prairie, and All Of The Great Western Shows Ever will be on there.
14a. No, I am not joking about 14.
15. Laundry.
16. Laundry.
17. Check the news one more time to be sure that the 15 16 17 18 22 Marriage Equality States have not imploded, that the Gay is OK military has not collapsed, that the local schools with gay teachers have not suddenly turned into Queen Bee’s House of Homos, that the children of gay parents have not turned into flamethrower-wielding sociopaths, that the Boy Scouts have realized that gay guys don’t turn into predatory monsters the day they turn 18, and that businesses still couldn’t fire you for being gay.
18. Realize I really do need to go to sleep if I actually thought those last two were true.
Addendums:
Monday Nights-Knitting Group
Saturdays-Art/Craft Show
Sunday-see Mom/Moms
Occasionals: Take friend’s kids out to play, go to fiber festivals, see a baseball game, catch up on the DVR, scour the internet for Things and Books I Know Exist but Cannot Find, travel to the GirlPartner, excavate my car/room/garage/craft area/sewing corner.
◊♦◊
I suspect, if you take a moment to think about it, your agenda and mine aren’t too far apart. Oh, yours might substitute church for knitting, NFL for NASCAR, and mac-and-cheese as the Emergency dinner. You might watch baby videos instead of kitten videos. But generally, your days and nights are quite full doing the same things I am. Hey, I’ve even got a Wii! Maybe we can play Just Dance together ! I’ve got them all! You can even pick the song!
But seriously, as you can see, I’m quite busy. Even if I did want to destroy civilization as we know it, as you seem convinced that I want to do, I just don’t have the time or the energy. I’ve got a lot going on. Most gays do. Now, granted, it would be very nice to do these these things with the same rights as most of the population enjoys. If recent history is any proof, this will not cause America to fall into a giant steaming hole in the Earth. And I assure you, your marriage and children are quite safe. We’re not interested in world domination.
We just want to live our lives doing whatever the alarm that just went off on our phone tells us to.
—Photo notahipster/Flickr
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Hey JJ –
You left off “Worship the Prince of Darkness”.
You’re welcome!
Oh, gracious, Bill! I’m afraid I’m going to have to disappoint them on that point, too. Well, I’m just disappointing people right and left, aren’t I?