“What is love? Oh baby, don’t hurt me. Don’t hurt me / no more.” The opening stanza of Haddaway’s song “What is Love” captures the complexity and often conundrum of love. Love is a paradox experienced on a wide spectrum of feelings: it can heal but also hurt, give but also sacrifice, and connects but also destroys.
So what exactly is love? Wouldn’t it be nice if the princess can live happily ever after every time? How do some couples celebrate their 40 years anniversary while others barely make it to their 1-year anniversary? What does it mean and look like to maintain a relationship over time?
Since getting into my first relationship after 3.5 years of dating and 2 “situationships,” I want to take some time to reflect on some relationship myths and “expectations” that we unconsciously assume and place in our relationships. Some myths may sound familiar because they are based on societal, cultural, and familial expectations.
5 Common Relationship Myths
Myth #1: You Should Have Fun with your Partner all the Time To Keep the “Spark” Alive
In a perfect world, you’ll go on dates with your partner and have a fun time trying out new restaurants, traveling, and experiencing new things together. At the end of the night, your partner drops you off, gives you a kiss, and you feel butterflies running down your spine.
In reality, love isn’t just about the fun times and the spark. Too often, we rely on this “spark” to make snap judgments of our relationship. Regarded as the feeling of love, infatuation, intensity, and excitement, the spark is a feeling that we get, especially at the beginning of a relationship. As you get to know your partner over time, the spark will usually feel less intense compared to the beginning.
On the other hand, dates are an opportunity to grow your relationship. While it makes sense that your dates may be “fun” at the beginning because you’re getting to know a person by trying new things together, the dates will eventually evolve into something different over time. For example, your first dates to restaurants may turn into time spent running errands together and making food at home instead. It may also look like dropping one another to the airport and going to a cafe to plan for future trips.
Just because the spark has subsided and dates become “less exciting” over time doesn’t mean that the relationship has faded out for the worse. I wished that relationships were as simple as chasing after the spark and fun. By contrast, relationships require a mutual choice of choosing to love one another despite one’s flaws, choosing to trust one another, making an effort to communicate even when you don’t want to, addressing hard topics, listening with empathy even if you don’t agree, etc. Together, a relationship is a conscious choice made by both individuals who are choosing to grow together rather than apart.
“Will also implies choice. We do not have to love. We choose to love…When we understand love as the will to nurture our own and another’s spiritual growth, it becomes clear that we cannot claim to love if we are hurtful and abusive. Love and abuse cannot coexist.” — Bell Hooks
Myth #2: Your partner can mind-read
I have seen this scenario happen too many times: “Look at X’s friend who recently celebrated her birthday. Look what her boyfriend did to surprise her. I’m SO jealous.” “Why can’t you be more like X’s friend partner and do this for me instead?”
This is an example of what I like to call “passive-aggressive” communication. The message tries to hint at a need but goes into comparisons and defensiveness instead. The impact of the message goes unreceived.
Too often, we expect our partners to understand us and our needs when in reality we haven’t communicated to our partners exactly what we need. Some of us may counter by saying that it’s weird to have to spell out exactly what we need, because that may feel demanding or counterintuitive (especially when we compare and see other couples functioning similarly).
However, unless the communication is clear and direct, we should not place this expectation on our partners. Part of what makes a relationship unique for you and your partner is that both of you are willing to meet one another in certain aspects. Since our partners and ourselves are constantly changing, it’s important to check in, give one another the benefit of the doubt, and teach one another how to love. It makes sense that there may be a huge learning curve in the beginning, especially if you were complete strangers prior to your relationship.
Instead, overcommunication is key. Sometimes, this may mean checking in a couple of times to make sure your partner is okay with something, even if they have “agreed” to it verbally. Other times, it may look like talking on the phone instead of texting. Nonverbal communication also makes up 40% of unspoken communication.
Myth #3: Your partner is your best friend
While it would be nice to at least call your partner your friend, I don’t consider it a dealbreaker if your partner doesn’t become your best friend immediately, or over time. Often, this notion of your partner as your best friend is romanticized.
On the other hand, we forget that we were single people living our own lives before our partner came into our lives. Some of us already had best friends before our partners.
“You’re My Person, You will Always be My Person.” -Season 9, Episode 2 of Grey’s Anatomy, which describes Meredith’s and Cristina’s friendship.
Rather than placing that friendship expectation on our partners, I think it’s much easier to let the relationship manifest organically on its own terms. As your partner meets your friends and families, your partner will slowly find their place in your life.
Myth #4: There is only one person out there for you
If you’re wondering, I don’t believe in the concept of a soulmate.
However, I do believe in *soulmates.
I believe in the notion that there is more than one person in this world who can love you in the ways that you want and deserve to be loved.
I believe that love transcends destiny — it is a conscious choice we make by choosing to be with one another.
Lastly, I believe in the idea of possibilities. Read more about my thoughts on soulmates in this article here.
Myth #5: Your partner should complete you 100%
Similar to the idea of a “soulmate” is the notion that our partner should complete us 100%. Or else they’re not the one for us.
No one will be able to complete us 100%.
Moreover, our partners shouldn’t serve the purpose of needing to complete us 100%.
The expectation that our partners are placed in our lives to complete us assumes a deficit mindset where we “need to” depend on someone in order to feel 100% ourselves.
Instead, our partners add to our lives.
“Alone we can do so little; together we can do so much.” — Helen Keller
As an introvert, I require a degree of alone time and space from my partner, and that applies to all my relationships. As much as I enjoy our time together, time apart is needed to continue growing and fostering our love at a distance.
The reality of relationships is far more complicated than we would want it to be. As rational humans, we try to compartmentalize our feelings and emotions so that we can label and understand them, but the reality is that human beings are messy. We can only do the best we can while choosing to meet one another halfway through consistent and mutual communication, effort, and commitment. Moreover, there are ebbs and flows in a relationship as well: sometimes, we may want to spend time apart while other times, we want to spend more time together. Lastly, while there is never a one-size-fits-all when it comes to relationships, I hope that you realize that things are never as black and white when it comes to what may work for you or your relationship. I want to end by hoping that you will take some time to cherish and appreciate the relationships that are going well in your life — it takes work to make it “work!”
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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