So, listen to what happened to my team last wee … No.
We’re in the home stretch of the NFL preseason, which means one thing and one thing only: At water coolers across the country this week, guys with truly good intentions are going to start conversations with the words, “I had my fantasy football draft last night, and…”
Do yourself and them a favor.
Be civil and just stop them right there.
When one of these kind souls begins a harmless conversation that way, take your pointer finger and press it against his pursed lips. Then, before the shock wears off, softly whisper to him the very words you’re thinking in your head: “I don’t care.”
Say it once.
Then, remove your finger from his face, and look him in the eyes and say it once more: “I don’t care.”
Because you don’t.
Nobody does.
♦◊♦
One of the great misconceptions of the modern, evolved man (or good man, in this case) is that he believes other people have even the slightest bit of interest, concern, or any stake in his fantasy football team.
The truth is that in just about every instance—whether this is your child’s first foray into fantasy football or the CEO of your company just looking to make some pleasant small talk in the elevator—whatever comes out of the person’s mouth after the words “fantasy football,” is going to go through one of your ears and right out the other.
Would you share the details of your grocery shopping list with someone else?
Would you list out all the first names you almost named your second child?
Probably not. And that’s because both of those things are very unique to you. They don’t have any real world impact outside of your home.
Talking about your fantasy football league, the picks you nearly made on draft day, or the magnificent waiver-wire pickup you stole from a friend is no different. I hate to say this, but I’ll only rarely flip through a friend’s honeymoon-picture album on Facebook. The wedding pictures? I’ll almost always take a peek at that album. Why? Because I was at the wedding. The honeymoon? Eh, well, that one didn’t really involve me.
The same thing applies here.
♦◊♦
An owner’s fantasy football team matters to one person: that owner. It’s why every time a sports website tries to wrangle up a parade of C-list celebrities to partake in some heavily-promoted kooky “Celebrity Fantasy League”, no one cares at all.
It’s why there are 30,000 fantasy football mailbag columns online, written by “experts”, that nobody really reads.
It’s why the guy at the cubicle next to you rarely ever answers with much conviction when you ask him for his thoughts on some “blockbuster” trade.
You’re not being rude or elitist. You’re being honest and up front. If you don’t say, “I don’t care” this week, you’ll be fielding inquiries and waiver-wire pickup recommendations for the next four months.
Do the right thing. Say it.
The whole pointer finger to the pursed lips thing? Well, that one’s optional.
—Photo Beth and Christian/Flickr
Every year I say “This is it. This is the year I am going to stop wasting my time on Fantasy Football”…and every year I let myself down again. It’s become demoralizing really.
Peter: You know what’s more annoying than talking about fantasy football? The annual, lazy sportswriter’s lament about not caring about fantasy football. You seem to leave out a few things. First of all, you wouldn’t tell someone uninterested in fantasy football about your fantasy football team. Of course that will be uninteresting. But I have several co-workers who are very much into fantasy football, and we had weeks of conversation, analysis and heated debate regarding draft order, strategy and sleepers. In quite the opposite fashion as your annoying “shushing,” fantasy football actually helped me make some friends at my new… Read more »
At least this didn’t have the usual complaint about how playing fantasy football ruins what it’s like to be a fan, because you’re rooting for players on other teams, etc.
Some things I don’t care about: What you’re having for lunch What TV show you watched last night How your kids are getting on at school Your elderly parents’ medical reports The car you’re driving The route you chose to steer said car to your current location and what the traffic was like. The weather.. I know what it’s like, it’s exactly the same for me. What godawful music you have just bought. How you got on at your pub quiz last night Whether or not you have started your Christmas shopping. In fact come to think of it, I… Read more »
I was thinking the same thing. I’m as excited to hear about a dream you half remember as I am your record-breaking season in Madden or how a late pick-six in garbage time cost you a week in fantasy football. Suffice to say my Friendship Express is very much looking forward to defending its title from last season thanks to heroic efforts by Michael Vick.
That’s nothing compared to the Killer Bruschi’s historic comeback against my brother’s team last year. I was down 53 points with only Matt Schaub and Andre Johnson left, and they combined for 1 point with two minutes to go before halftime. I ended up winning.
It was amazing. I cheered more for my fake football team than the Patriots (my favorite team) last year. I couldn’t win the Super Bowl, but I’ve retooled and changed my name to Prestige Worldwide. Led by Ray Rice and Hakeem Nicks, my team is poised for greatness.