You want to be strong, but the darkness is too powerful.
The tears come out of nowhere. You’re having a great day, month and even year, but the sadness creeps up on you like a thief in the night. You want to be happy; you want to put on a strong front for those around you. It’s hard to hold back the hurt, but you’re a man and want to put those you love first in your life.
You can’t identify why you’re so sad. You can’t control the tears. You run to where others can’t see what’s coming out of you. All the motivation and energy you had for the day is gone—in a second. All you want to do is stop the pain.
All kinds of crazy thoughts are running through your head. “Would it be easier if I just ended all the pain once and for all?” You are a strong man, but suicide feels like a better option. You might never say this out loud, but the thoughts have run through your mind more than once.
You think about talking to someone, but they won’t get it. They’ll try to tell you nice things about yourself, but that’s not going to help. So, instead of attempting to explain the unexplainable, you battle the hurt yourself. You’ve heard about depression in people with hard lives, but how could you be depressed considering your life isn’t that bad?
The happiest person you know could be battling depression. You may see their status updates on Facebook and think they’re living a good life, but there’s no way to tell what’s going on inside. We only get a glimpse into each other’s lives and that glimpse is edited.
I had a great year. I did things most people don’t get to experience in their lives. I had some cool opportunities that took me all over the world. Yet, I’m sitting here crying uncontrollably as I type this. I can’t tell you why because I live a good life, but it’s happening. The sadness is bringing out thoughts I want to keep buried. I’m depressed in a way that I can’t explain.
I have been here before—too many times. I am blessed with a spouse I can talk to, and one who I know will just listen. That’s me, but too many guys don’t have a person like that in their lives. If that is you, if you are trying to win this fight alone—don’t. The sadness and thoughts are too loud.
There is someone who listens. I will listen. You can email me ([email protected]); I know what you’re experiencing. Suicide may feel like an easier option, but it’s not. You are amazing and have so much to experience in life. Don’t let the pain rob you of that. There are those of us who get it and just want to listen.
I got the words out of my head. I feel the darkness retreating. I talked to my love and can feel calmness filling my mind and heart. I prayed. I know this is one battle in a long war, but I’m going to fight with everything in me. I have many whom I love and depend on me. I can’t let the darkness keep me from what’s important.
If you struggle with depression, I hope you’ll join me in fighting the darkness. I hope you’ll find the courage to open up to someone and get professional help. Too many guys have lost their battle; we need to break the cycle. Make the harder choice, but one that has a happy ending for yourself and those you love. I’m here if you need help.
Photo: Flickr/ Carl Jones