Dan Mahle isn’t saying porn is always bad, but after not using pornography for a year, his life changed for the better.
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I remember when I first discovered internet porn – I was 17 years old (1). Fascinated by this world of unleashed sexual expression and fantasy, I couldn’t get enough of it. As I grew up and began exploring my own sexuality, I discovered just how different watching pixels on a screen was compared to the intimacy of making love with another human being. I thought I’d outgrow my porn habit over time. But I never did.
I didn’t know it then, but porn had become an addiction. And, like most addictions, it was a behavior that I was ashamed to talk about or even admit was a problem. “Yeah, everybody watches porn,” I remember hearing. It seemed so pervasive and culturally accepted that having an actual conversation about it was a total non-starter. So I kept it to myself.
I thought I had my habit under control. I thought I could quite porn whenever I felt like it. I even tried to quit a few times and then rationalized my eventual return to the addiction.
I didn’t realize how much watching porn manipulated my mind, warping my sexuality, numbing my feelings, and impacting my relationships with women. And I was not alone.
According to a recent study, more than 70 percent of men ages 18 to 34 visit porn sites in a typical month. And it’s not just guys watching sex online. It is estimated that 1 in 3 porn users today are women. Now, I want to be clear here that porn use extends beyond the male/female gender binary, but for the purpose of this post I am sharing my experience with porn from the perspective of a heterosexual, cisgender, White man.
Let me also state clearly that I don’t think all porn is bad. I’ve seen some great videos of couples engaging in intimate and respectful sexual encounters – of course, these are often only found on feminist porn sites or in the “female friendly” category (It’s interesting to note what the category name “female friendly” implies about all the other categories). But I’m not here to judge anyone else for what they choose to watch. I’m simply sharing the impacts that porn has had on my life and what has changed for me since I’ve stopped using it.
To me, what is worrying about porn is not how many people use it, but how many people – like me – have found themselves addicted to it.
As Dr. Jeffrey Satinover stated in his 2004 testimony to the U.S. Senate subcommittee on pornography, “Modern science allows us to understand that the underlying nature of an addiction to pornography is chemically nearly identical to a heroin addiction.”
Impacts of Porn (2)
A lot of studies have been conducted on the impacts of porn on men and women in society. Of all of those impacts, three most resonated with my experience:
1. Violence Against Women (3): This includes an obsession with looking at women rather than interacting with them (voyeurism), an attitude in which women are viewed as objects of men’s sexual desire, and the trivialization of rape and widespread acceptance of rape culture – fueled by fake depictions of women in porn videos often pretending to desire violent and abusive sexual acts.
2. Numbness & Disembodiment: This can include erectile dysfunction, inability to orgasm when not watching porn, detachment from your physical body, emotional unavailability and numbness, lack of focus and patience, poor memory, and general lack of interest in reality. Furthermore, these outcomes in men have been linked to boredom with their sexual partners, higher levels of sexual promiscuity, adultery, divorce, sexism, rape, abuse, and suicide.
3. Fear of Intimacy: Watching porn contributes to many men’s inability to relate to women in an honest and intimate way despite a longing to feel loved and connected. This is because pornography exalts our sexual needs over our need for sensuality and intimacy; some men develop a preoccupation with sexual fantasy that can powerfully impede their capacity for emotionally intimate relationships.
Why I Quit Watching
I always felt like a hypocrite watching porn. Here I was, a man who is striving to be an ally to women, perpetuating the very culture of violence and misogyny that I was ostensibly trying to fight. The reality was that most of the videos I found online had titles that included words like “bitch” or “slut” and showcased controlling behaviors that were rooted in a culture of subjugation and objectification, where women are nothing more than sexual bodies to be exploited and dominated by men.
When I am deeply honest, I have to admit I was both intrigued and disgusted at the same time. By that time, my mind had been socially conditioned to find aggressive, misogynistic, and even non-consensual sex arousing. That is a difficult thing for me to admit. But it got to a point where I felt physically ill watching the videos, and yet I kept watching. That’s when I realized I was dealing with an addiction.
What I’ve discovered is that there is a whole spectrum of addiction, from a feeling of compulsion on one end to an intense addiction on the other. My porn addiction seems to have been pretty mild, since I did not experience any serious withdrawal effects. For some people with more serious addictions, professional support may be needed.
Last February, after a decade of use, I decided to quit watching porn for 1 year. I did this, both for the challenge of seeing if I could do it, and for the chance to see how life might be different. Now this may not seem like a big deal, but it was actually a radical commitment to uphold.
Today marks my 1-year anniversary of life without porn. It hasn’t been easy, particularly as a single guy, but what I’ve learned about myself through this experience has transformed my life forever.
Life After Porn
Life has shifted in some pretty powerful ways during my year without porn:
1. Integrity & Love: Since dropping porn, I have restored a sense of personal integrity that was missing. Regaining this integrity has allowed me to move through a lot of my shame and find myself in an incredible new space of deepening love for myself and others. I’ve also noticed that I am often able to stay more present with women now, rather than projecting fantasies onto them. This was hard to do when my mind was cluttered with images from porn videos. This newfound presence has also allowed me to begin to dismantle some of the subconscious sexism that I’ve held, helping me work toward becoming a better ally to the women in my life.
2. Embodiment & Emotional Expression: My year without porn has helped me reconnect to my body and begin to transform my emotional numbness into healthy emotional expression. I’ve begun to expand my sense of self by learning how to move out of my head and into my heart. After many long years void of emotional expression, I’ve reconnected to my tears. This release of suppressed emotional tension has unlocked a lot of joy in my life. All of this has helped me begin to shift my sexuality from mental masturbation and physical detachment to true intimacy, presence, and embodiment.
3. Creativity & Passion: Over the past year, I’ve started feeling more comfortable in my own skin. I’ve become much more willing to let go of control, to improvise, and to accept people’s differences. I trust myself more than I ever have and, as a result, my sense of self-confidence has soared. I wake up every morning grateful to be alive, clear about my life’s purpose, and passionate about the work I am doing in the world. My life today has a depth of authenticity and power that I never felt before.
Stepping Up
This week, many folks in my community and around the world are engaging in conversations about ending the sexual violence and abuse that directly affect over a billion women across the globe today. Of course, women and girls are not the only ones hurt by sexual violence. I’ve heard stories from a lot of guys who are also affected by cycles of violence and abuse that got passed on through generations. It is important, however, for me to recognize that far more women than men are victims of sexual assault and domestic abuse, and that men account for a vast majority of all perpetrators.
As Richard Rohr says, “pain that is not transformed is transmitted.” So how do we, as men, break this cycle of violence? It’s clear to me that we will never transform our pain within a culture of silence. It is only by bringing our shadows to the light that we can diffuse the power that they hold over us.
Over the past several years, I have heard a lot about inequality, sexism, and violence against women. I believe it is vital for porn to be a part of that conversation, particularly amongst men.
If we are serious about ending violence against women, then we must be willing to have open and honest conversations about how porn is impacting our lives.
I am committed to a world of love, respect, and safety for all people. I’m sick of all the shame, numbness, and secrecy surrounding porn and addiction. And I’m outraged by all of the violence, degradation, and exploitation of women and children. Enough is enough!
The only way we can transform the culture of violence is to make it transparent by speaking the truth about the ways that we consciously and subconsciously contribute to it. A culture of love and healing can only be built on a foundation of radical honesty and integrity, built from the ground up in our own lives.
Will you stand with me? It’s time we start talking about the things we’ve been afraid to talk about, knowing we’re not alone. It’s time we begin transforming our pain into love, by opening our hearts and reconnecting with our bodies. It’s time we, as men, step into a more mature masculine: one that recognizes the sacredness of life, one that creates intimacy and cultivates authentic connection and healing, one that is unafraid to love and be loved.
Additional Resources:
1. The Great Porn Experiment: Gary Wilson at TEDxGlasgow
2. Why I Stopped Watching Porn: Ran Gavrieli at TEDxJaffa 2013
3. Violence Against Women: It’s a Men’s Issue: Jackson Katz at TEDxFiDiWomen
4. Make Love Not Porn: http://talkabout.makelovenotporn.tv
5. Sexual Recovery: Pornography Addiction
6. No Fap: http://www.nofap.org
7. The Good Men Project: https://goodmenproject.com
8. ManKind Project: http://mankindproject.org
Endnotes:
(1) 93% of boys and 62% of girls are exposed to Internet porn before the age of 18.Source.
(2) This section is based on information and language from a study by Gary R. Brooks, Ph.D. found on pages 23-24 of this Report.
(3) Numerous studies have documented links between porn viewership and increased instances of sexism and violence toward women. Here is one: Source.
Originally appeared at Change From Within
Photo: Flickr/dmitrybarsky
I have struggled with my on off use of porn over many many years. What I came to realize is that I resorted to using porn as a sort of comfort blanket. However, sadly it doesnt work and it often resulted in making me more insecure & more unhappy. I also realized turning to use porn was a sort of personal weakness or vulnerability. I have finally reached a point were I just want to feel more whole, like myself much more & allow myself to feel more complete. I finally quit using porn. I dont want porn anymore, I’m… Read more »
I was going to write something honest here, but on second thought after looking at some of the comments here I will not expose myself to the wolfs.
But it was a good well formulated and honest article.
I see it was written some years ago, I hope you’re still free congratulations on succeeding where many have failed, and even more have never even tried to walk!
I must admit I stumbled upon your article after looking for porn (oh the irony)
after I watch porn I felt so degenerate and low. I shouldn’t be like this, I know, but it’s so difficult to break the habit.
by the way, congrats for your year free of porn! I felt respect towards you after reading. world would be a nice place if there’s more men like you. thanks for the great article and new perspective you brought
My husband, although, he claims to be in recovery, cannot free himself from the shackles of the porn addiction. He walks around the home with his closely guarded tablet computer, always on it, at the expense of maintaining our home or having any intimate relations with me. When we do have any form of sex, it always has the form of me masturbsting him and then he usually finishes himself while talking ‘porn type’ scenarios of me having sex with other men. There is no love in the act at all or true intimacy and he prefers masturbation to intercourse.
Perhaps it is time for the two of you to part ways.
*waves at you from right across The Tacoma Narrows*
I enjoyed reading about your experience and it felt good to hear such honesty spoken with boldness. It can be difficult at times for intent and action to ride in the same cart so it’s good to see your efforts in this. Best wishes to you!
WW
If your argument is so bad you have to censor as much as you do… then you lack faith in that argument.
Wait that made it but not all the other stuff? Hmm maybe I was wrong and you are having bad tech issues?
Thank you for sharing your experience with us. It helps to create a better understanding of those addicted to porn.
While the DSM may not recognize sexual addiction, if a behavior is harming you and it’s controlling you and inducing obsessive behavior, addiction sounds like an appropriate moniker to me. Kind of like the difference between feeling depressed and experiencing clinical depression, perhaps there is a distinction to be made between clinical addiction and feeling addicted (and bearing the burdens that attach).
The evidence for porn addiction is simply not present. Of course, spending too much time watching television, updating Facebook or a myriad of other seemingly addictive behaviors can impact the balance of our lives. This impact does not make something an addiction, except possibly in the eyes of the organizations marketing and making money off the new addictions and their “cures”. The cocaine-like dopamine burst idea of porn does not stand up to scrutiny when professionals such as neuroscientists get involved. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/women-who-stray/201307/your-brain-porn-its-not-addictive Putting aside the porn addiction hyperbole, what remains is the morality and ethics of pornography. The good news… Read more »
I have a few questions.
1: Were you self diagnosed or was it by a doctor?
2:Was this caused by the porn itself or is this a form of Impulse control disorder like obsessive shopping or exercise?
3: Considering your list of effect that include
Violence Against Women, trivialization of rape, Numbness & Disembodiment, rape, abuse, suicide. Addiction to pornography is chemically nearly identical to a heroin addiction.\
I would not trust a kid to be around someone who is using or has been addicted to heroin. Do you think a kid should be removed from someone using porn?
“It’s a hard thing to see how much material out there is built on your lack of worth that you know good men are enjoying these things.”
Umm… It’s a hard thing to see that you still consider men who watch this shit as “good”..
The whole point is.. They AREN’T good men. Good people don’t get off on the torture of others. We call these people sadists. That’s what these people are. Sadists.
GOOD people don’t enjoy the toture of others. therefore these men aren’t GOOD. It’s a simple matter of definitions and the true meaning of words.
Well, since these are bad degenerate men whom you and Erin would want to avoid, then these bad men shouldn’t be concerned about meeting yours or Erin’s standards.
Megalodon, I don’t agree with Lynn’s assertion and I would appreciate you not saying I do since I was specifically clear about saying even good men view porn. Maybe next time you could engage me in conversation if you have a question about my view?
I was being facetious in response to Lynn’s denunciation. Though considering the way you describe and judge all pornography and its influence, it is somewhat hard to believe you think male persons who view it can still be “good.”
Megalodon, of course I judge pornography. You say that as if judging pornography is somehow reprehensible in some way. I judge it harshly because pornography is a huge body of entertainment that has lavished extreme, sometimes even cruel, judgements on women. Can you understand at all why a woman might feel that way? Sometimes even the most “kindest”, “gentlest” porn still shows some social stereotypes about how society values women. And this is largely what I don’t understand about this discussion. It’s not uncommon for a man to respond to negative comments toward porn by being porn’s advocate. Many men… Read more »
Of course even good men look at porn. Good men even look at degrading porn. “Goodness” and “perfectness” are not the same. I suppose they are not the same, but normally, if a person commits wrongful acts that reach a certain level, then those acts may nullify their benign attributes and they have forfeited the label of good. If a man is a gambler and a spendthrift, we may think of his vices as mere character foibles and believe he may still be essentially “good.” If a man is a child molester, we usually think he is not “good,” even… Read more »
Hi Erin – I feel you are building a false narrative around porn and men. It’s best to directly ask men why they use pornography rather than supposing “the whispering of a false lie” into their consciousness. Putting aside the few aberrations, I feel most men can easily distinguish between porn and real life. They don’t walk around in meat space assuming women are wanton starlets that need to be sprayed with cum at every turn. The distinction between fantasy and reality is a relatively easy task for the majority of people and porn is not some special exception that… Read more »
Megalodon, we all participate in a social moral hierarchy, we all have a personal code of ethics we strive to live by. Consider a sliding scale of some kind where we all fall on it at different points, at different times. There are always going to be things we consider less offensive and things we consider more offensive. You’ve inferred several times now that what I’m saying is not what I truly believe. I’ve been nothing but sincere and open about my view point while maintaining what I believe to be respect for our conversation, as well as respect for… Read more »
we all participate in a social moral hierarchy, we all have a personal code of ethics we strive to live by Indeed, but you don’t qualify your moral hierarchy with a disclaimer of “personal” subjectivity, because you hint and claim that your conception of proper sexual interaction free of pornography is valid, natural, and “deep seeded” and that people who deviate from that are possibly aberrant, when you say Perhaps are issues concerning porn have absolutely nothing to do with religion and more with a deep seeded understanding that “this is not how sex and our involvement with sex should… Read more »
Megalodon, clearly you’re earlier denunciation of Lynn with me was not “facetious” at all. *Every* single response here is based on “personal subjectivity”, you included. You appear to have decided that my “personal subjectivity” must come with an extra special disclaimer that you haven’t even applied to yourself or others. Please notice your use of “us” implies your response to not just your beliefs but also x amount of individuals all making the same judgments about me. Speak for yourself. Let other people come to their own conclusions. The comment on “social moral hierarchy” was in response to your query… Read more »
Megalodon, clearly you’re earlier denunciation of Lynn with me was not “facetious” at all. Of course it was. I just don’t typically type audible laughter. *Every* single response here is based on “personal subjectivity”, you included. Perhaps, but I am not demanding that all good and righteous persons must copy and enact my “personal subjectivity” even when they are alone and even within their secret thoughts and heart of hearts. You appear to have decided that my “personal subjectivity” must come with an extra special disclaimer that you haven’t even applied to yourself or others. Not necessarily “must,” but I… Read more »
As pornography becomes more widespread and endemic, it may not necessarily be such a dreadful development so far as women are concerned. In Japan, pornography and pornographic paraphernalia are much more entrenched and prolific within public and private culture. It doesn’t seem to have transformed males into rampaging psychopaths who attack any female person in sight. The pervasive pornography and mimetic media just seem to make male persons more…absent and timid. The general result seems to be that male and female persons tend to withdraw to separate spaces and interact much less. Women are freer to live their independent lives… Read more »
This seems redundant to me because it seems so obvious, but all that you described seems terribly unhealthy. Retreating into one’s fantasies is no way to live.
Japan isn’t exactly a culture known for it’s respect of women anyway. Not to mention that many of the sexualized japanese cartoon characters are underaged girls disguised with over developed breasts.
Retreating into one’s fantasies is no way to live. Says you. People have the right to determine what ends and gratifications they wish to pursue. Being an intense athlete in a dangerous sport seems dangerous and unhealthy to me, but some people claim to find satisfaction and fulfillment in such activities. Some people think engaging in libertine sexuality is bad and unhealthy, but people supposedly have the right to pursue such consensual relations, and we must not engage in “slut shaming” of those individuals. Japan isn’t exactly a culture known for it’s respect of women anyway. Indeed, and neither is… Read more »
Hi Erin, And oftentimes, people are being exposed to material they may have never wanted to see or thought of before. And that exposure will either excite them or disgust them and sometimes even both. And they won’t even understand why they are turned on by some things I think it’s around here somewhere that I don’t follow your line of reasoning anymore. Because you set up a scenario where a person is either excited or disgusted, but then you’ll go on and seemingly assume that everthing is exciting(?) I can’t speak for anyone but myself, but if I see… Read more »
Chemically, our bodies don’t distinguish between “sexually exciting” and “scarey/violent exciting”. To our bodies, it’s simply “exciting” so a release of chemcials happens.
And while you may not be excited by those violent kind of things, there are lots of men who apparently are. There are probably even a lot of men who never thought they woudl be excited by those things but become excited by them.
My god if that is true then would you ever forgive someone who enjoyed that sexualy? Would you trust them with kids? I know I would not but I also know your not correct…
Dan, it appears to me that you regained control of your own sexuality and set the terms for it by your own rules. Not the rules of other people. Not the rules of the porn industry and the pornographers that play on your physical and emotional feelings toward women. And that is an extremely attractive quality. It is a quality I would love to see build up in men and women. I also don’t think you’re the exception when it came to how porn was making you feel Dan. I think you are the rule. This addiction is much bigger… Read more »
Well stated Erin
What about the known fact that online pornography is highly correlated with a decrease in rape rates?
“A 10 percent increase in Net access yields about a 7.3 percent decrease in reported rapes.” – http://www.slate.com/articles/arts/everyday_economics/2006/10/how_the_web_prevents_rape.html
Correlation is not causation, and the link is spurious at best, not to mention the fact that we’re talking REPORTED sexual violence, which we all know is just about the worst possible measure of rates of sexual violence that we can find.
Correlation is not causation And if only the author of this article and its supporters could remember this when lecturing about the associated evils of pornography. the link is spurious at best The interviewed academic in the Slate article does at least attempt some plausible explanations for a connection between internet pornography use and decreased sexual violence, which is more than anyone can say about the questionable, sectarian links originating from “Promise Keepers” or Albert Mohler. not to mention the fact that we’re talking REPORTED sexual violence, which we all know is just about the worst possible measure of rates… Read more »
The problem with that is we can’t know if its even related. They very well might be down because people were to cought up in a game of world of Warcraft or something. finding trustworthy information is really hard. At the end of the day we really don’t know one way or the other. What we do know however is people feel shame over sex and people are always out to control others sex.
As they say, the plural of anecdote is not data:
http://www.alternet.org/sex-amp-relationships/porn-addictive-theres-no-proof
Comment still not published?
I was going to pick out a few of the links and see if they are false claims. Then I thought, “Screw it” lets just start from the top and look at your links….We will just do it in small chunks, I think. Very first claim. “According to a recent study, more than 70 percent of men ages 18 to 34 visit porn sites in a typical month.” What study? Who wrote it and were can I find it? On it’s own, this one looks pretty harmless. I’m ready to just trust this is true. However, let’s take a look… Read more »
Interesting. This is beginning to seem like a “stealth” article. It ostensibly uses secular, pop-psychology to discourage male persons from viewing pornography, but just the slightest bit of scratching the surface reveals questionable sectarian sources and indoctrination.
Ruh roh …. the smell of sectarian, we’d better take him down.
No, not take anyone down. But certainly regard his arguments and their putative evidence with heightened skepticism.
Hehe, “according to a recent study” is the modern version of “as the good book says”. 😀
So perhaps you can provide some stats for us? Rather then disclaiming what’s been presented, then I would presume you can provide accurate data? Any links would be welcome.
Why would I and stats for what? That’s not how this works. You know that right?
No, it’s not how it works. So c’mon, give us concrete stats to the contrary. Rather then picking apart Dan’s sources, bring something to the table from credible sources, to the contrary.
Dan put himself out there as most men don’t and admitted his problem and is actively working on changing his life for the better. For any addict, the first step is recognizing that are an addict.
Here is a link, informational data that has been collected. Look at the numbers and tell me there isn’t a problem. http://familysafemedia.com/pornography_statistics.html#anchor2
This argument doesn’t work at all. I can just as easily claim that there is a teacup on the moon. Look! I even have proof of it’s existence in this link!!! http://s3.photobucket.com/user/Briahlen/media/TeacupintheMoon.jpg.html Source: google Also, I have a confession….I’m addicted to tea. The chemical dependency is hurting me. Every day I don’t have tea…I suffer. I just can’t stop drinking the stuff. When I don’t have it, I become fatigued, my head pounds like it’s going to explode, my nose becomes stuffy & I even become nauseous. What’s worse, is how it makes me agitated. I lash out at those… Read more »
One study doubts the true existence of porn addiction. http://www.newsweek.com/study-casts-doubt-porn-addiction-counselors-say-it-exists-229241
“Addiction is characterized by inability to consistently abstain, impairment in behavioral control, craving, diminished recognition of significant problems with one’s behaviors and interpersonal relationships, and a dysfunctional emotional response.” So I guess if your tea drinking fits into this, you may be an a true form of an addict. I presume your tea drinking has affected your relationships, your job etc.?
You can’t rule it out. It has happened before.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/03/21/tea-addiction-tooth-loss_n_2925013.html
Why would he or should have to do that? This author of this article is the one making affirmative statistical claims and therefore carries the burden of presenting credible evidence.
I love the amount of men on this site that go UP IN ARMS over the idea that porn can be addicting, because, you know, THEY watch porn and aren’t addicted, therefore it is a feminist conspiracy. But you tell them that alcohol can be addicting and that there are studies that show a person can become addicted to alcohol, these same men don’t even bat an eye. They take this information at face value.. ALL WHILE DRINKING A BEER! But wait!? isn’t this some feminist conspiracy to keep men from drinking alcohol!? It is sad that it seems men… Read more »
A few people (one being a women at that) who question and point out the problems with the data is hardly being “up in arms” as you say.
Try 5?
Would Alexa research, NRC,PBS, WordTracker, Google, and MSNBC. Be acceptable? If it is then… Adult Internet Porn Statistics Men admitting to accessing pornography at work 20% US adults who regularly visit Internet pornography websites 40 million Promise Keeper men who viewed pornography in last week 53% Christians who said pornography is a major problem in the home 47% Adults admitting to Internet sexual addiction 10% Breakdown of male/female visitors to pornography sites 72% male – 28% female Children’s Exposure to Pornography Average age of first Internet exposure to pornography 11 years old Largest consumer of Internet pornography 12-17 age group… Read more »
No those would not be allowed as evadance. They amount to nothing more then someone said. If Google can be trusted why not Facebook? Am I really going to die in 7 days if I don’t forward that email?
Although anecdotal, the 15 years that I’ve worked with adolescents in a residential setting, I can safely say that the wide majority of over 90% were exposed to pornography before their teen years. And if I recall correctly, some as early as age 7.
anecdotal is useless as I think your biased based on the fact you keep posting to bad data.
As Richard Rohr says, “pain that is not transformed is transmitted.” So how do we, as men, break this cycle of violence? It’s clear to me that we will never transform our pain within a culture of silence. It is only by bringing our shadows to the light that we can diffuse the power that they hold over us. Working from that I have a bit of a question. On the premise that pain that is not transformed is transmitted is it possible that the pain that men are transmitting came from somewhere? I ask this because when talking about… Read more »
I utterly agree with you, Dan. In addition, I feel that porn addiction eventually transforms you into an introvert person, and sabotage your social life.
P.s. I don’t know what’s actually the problem with comments section. I’ve tried 4 to 5 times, but page doesn’t work. I’m sorry, if I’ve submitted comments multiple times.
I am honestly not sure what the diferance is between this and the kind of thinking that brought us cornflakes and boy scouts. However no matter how you look at it the floodgates are open and we have more porn then we ever could have asked for… and I don’t think society is going to fall apart over it.
Society may not fall apart over it, but I don’t think that’s the author’s message here.
Yah I think it very much is. This is classic god kills a kitten each time you masterbate scare mongering. People have been trying to control others sexuality for pretty much ever and this just the same old song and dance that gave us gramcrackers. For the first time ever we have the freedom to safely explore our sexuality so of course others are going to react with fear and wag the finger at that rock and roll that is rotting the heads of kids. So let me say it one more time. The floodgates of porn are wide open… Read more »
I think the problem is that the author did not address the subject of masturbation at all. We tend to treat porn and masturbation as basically one and the same. It is an easy mistake, which you seem to make, which I also frequently make and which, in particular, the author seems to make as well. Especially as among his additional ressources he lists the NoFap community, which is a young men’s anti-masturbation movement. I perused their discussions on Reddit a while ago, and while they give a number of reasons for their “chastity” ranging from the more-or-less-sensible to the… Read more »
I’ve never confuse the two and never heard of a woman confusing the two. now maybe men see them as the same the same way that they have been taught that sex equates intimacy/love. Masterbation is not the problem and NEVER HAS BEEN.. Masterbating is doing something TO YOURSELF. Looking at a drawing of a naked person or imagining a scene in your head again is YOUR MIND, YOUR IMAGES. Porn, on the other hand, has REAL LIVE HUMAN BEINGS. You are now using another person as a means to your own sexual ends. Since when has masterbation been anythign… Read more »
Looking at a drawing of a naked person or imagining a scene in your head again is YOUR MIND, YOUR IMAGES Where do you think those IMAGES in one’s MIND came from? Even before the advent of pornography, people probably filled their sexual fantasies with IMAGES of REAL PEOPLE that they knew or observed. I suppose some people masturbate with the thought of entirely fictional persons who never existed, but I assume that a lot of masturbating people are sometimes fantasizing about real people, whether those people are celebrity pornographers or their coworkers. Porn, on the other hand, has REAL… Read more »
I don’t see where is was campaigning against pornography.
“3. Creativity & Passion: Over the past year, I’ve started feeling more comfortable in my own skin. I’ve become much more willing to let go of control, to improvise, and to accept people’s differences. I trust myself more than I ever have and, as a result, my sense of self-confidence has soared. I wake up every morning grateful to be alive, clear about my life’s purpose, and passionate about the work I am doing in the world. My life today has a depth of authenticity and power that I never felt before.” That’s very interesting, Dan. Would you mind giving… Read more »
Thank you SO much Dan, for speaking up about this. On April 19, 2012, while on a honeymoon with a man I utterly cherish, my beloved partner turned to me one morning and quietly disclosed a longstanding (35 year!) struggle with porn and sex addiction. I cannot even begin to describe my or our journey since then, but I can say, unequivocally, that he struggled with a demon so insidious and sly that addiction is the only word that describes it with any accuracy (and I am psychological researcher so I do not say that lightly). As he disclosed more… Read more »
Congratulations, Dan, for your courage and insight on this issue. When I was a kid sixty years ago, “porn” meant dirty pictures surreptitiously passed around after school. No more. While pornography has ancient roots, it is important to recognize that initially “adult movies” and subsequently internet video have dramatically changed both the scope and the content of porn. It is now vastly more available (and perhaps more destructive) than it has ever been. We are no longer talking about a set of dirty playing cards. It’s time for some hardcore self-examination. Thanks for bringing this reality into the light.
Excellent article Dan!!!
Congratulations on it, your personal achievement and the contribution you are making.
Very powerful, Dan. Thank you.
Joanne, you;re right, many people will not become addicts to it and I hope that this dialogue won’t turn into people thinking that my view or Dan’s views are judging anyone. I don’t mean to be crude here but generally speaking the porn includes masturbation and with that, the feeling a person gets by relieving him/herself becomes part of the addiction. A comfort so to speak.
FYI, in my day it was called the five finger shuffle……they now refer to it as “making change.”
I was wondering if someone was going to mention masturbation. It continues to amaze me how many articles about porn never mention masturbation, directly or indirectly. That would be like having a long conversation about Americans’ oil consumption and never mention cars. Much of the talk about porn is really talk about masturbation, because there’s still a taboo to talking about it, so much of the hand-wringing over porn consumption is really anxiety about jerking off. If our society could have a more open, honest, non-judgmental discussion about masturbation, that would make our conversation about porn more authentic. You don’t… Read more »
I hope that this dialogue won’t turn into people thinking that my view or Dan’s views are judging anyone We don’t all know the full details of your views, but we can discern some of Mahle’s views as presented in his article: Here I was, a man who is striving to be an ally to women, perpetuating the very culture of violence and misogyny that I was ostensibly trying to fight. Mahle felt that being “an ally to women” required him to stop viewing and consuming pornography and that his using pornography was “perpetuating the very culture of violence and… Read more »
I started hearing about porn addiction a few years ago and was pretty dubious for a few years. I think one reason is that I’m very pro-porn, when porn is created in a way that is healthy for everyone involved – i.e. no sex trafficking or exploitation. I realize that’s such a grey area. How can you ever know someone wasn’t coerced? Etc. I think my biggest fear was that pornography would become the new thing that country club wives were up in arms over (of course, they always have been) and it would lead to shaming people who use… Read more »
WOOHOO! Congratulations Dan. Well done. Proud to see this reposted – and thank you for the MKP shout out.