The one story restored her respect for her husband and hope for their marriage.
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I’m not a man and will never be able to fully understand their deepest fears and motivations. But, my husband tells me that a man’s ego is like a fragile egg in the hands of his wife, regardless of how strong he appears to be. He also tells me that when she believes in him, he’ll walk to the ends of the earth for her and his family.
Yet, I didn’t want to be the quitter.
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I learned these lessons gradually. A year into our marriage I discovered he was battling a pornography addiction. By year two, I had grown convinced that he would never be the man I could ever respect again.
Yet, I didn’t want to be the quitter. Instead I pushed his buttons, using my words as lethal weapons that began to destroy his confidence. Sooner or later he would get tired of the abuse and walk away. I’d be able to say that he was the quitter.
I began to understand the second lesson shortly after a long road trip. I can’t remember how we started talking about coming of age stories, but the following story forever changed how I felt about him and the future of our marriage.
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“I had just finished my junior year of high school. I was nursing a foot injury from stepping on a broken bottle while running late at night. I should’ve stayed off my feet, getting myself ready for track season, but sitting around the house was killing me.
“So against my mother’s advice and my better judgment, I rode my bike to the local feed mill and asked if there were any openings for summer jobs.
“The foreman gave me a familiar look, the same look I got from the football coach when I asked if I could join the team. Looking at my 120-pound frame, the foreman chuckled and said, ‘Sure, I’ve got just the job for you.’
“I’d always thought that working at the mill would be a blast. I pictured myself driving forklifts from the tractor-trailers on the loading docks.
“But the foreman led me straight to a warehouse area in the middle of the plant and explained I’d be working ‘The Wheel.’ There was, in fact, a large wheel, flat on its side, which constantly turned. A conveyor belt dropped feed onto the wheel.
“The guy I was relieving stood on a platform next to the wheel, picked up 100-pound bags of feed off the wheel, and dropped them onto a skid about four feet below the platform.
“Now, the bags couldn’t just be thrown carelessly onto the skid. They had to be positioned just right. Four bags to a row piled four rows high—sixteen bags per skid.
“If they weren’t positioned just right, they’d fall off the skid and the forklift driver would let you know, in no uncertain terms, that it better not happen again.
“Now picture this. I weighed 120 pounds soaking wet. The feed bags weighed 100 pounds. The bags were awkward to grab and maneuver.
“Eight hours a day for two days I loaded skids with feedbags. I went home exhausted and with my foot swollen. But, I didn’t want to hear my mother say, ‘I told you so,’ so I got up early in the morning ready to load more skids with bags of grain.
“On my third day at the wheel, the foreman hired a big brawny dude, whose neck was as big as both of my thighs put together. He was supposed to take my place at the wheel. Boy, if I could have jumped for joy, I would have. My savior had come to deliver me. Or so I thought.
“I arrived the next day, hoping my next assignment would involve driving a forklift. But no such luck. As it turned out, the big dude never came back.
“‘What happened?’ I asked the foreman when he told me I was back on the wheel.
“He said, ‘I have been here a long time, and I can tell you that it’s not the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog.’ Then he walked off.”
“Dejected, I head back to my post at the wheel. I toss the first bag on the skid, but it’s not aligned just right. I jump off the platform to reposition it. By the time I get back on the platform, five or six bags are on the wheel.
“In a few minutes, bags are coming off the conveyor belt and falling off the wheel. Man! Catching up seems impossible. Now there are ten bags of feed on the wheel, and about thirty on the ground and more of them are falling.
“It’s at that moment that I see the red button on the wall, the button no one is supposed to push because all production comes to a stop. Never press the red button. That was the unspoken rule.
“I look all around me, and everyone seems to be gone. No forklifts. No one walking around, just me and a sea of feedbags where they aren’t supposed to be.
“In a panic, I pressed the red button. I began to pick up the 100-pound bags, one by one.
“I wanted to cry. I was tired and at my wits end. All I wanted to do was to throw in the towel and go home.
“Then it was as if the voice of my father started ringing in my head. ‘You are not a quitter–and you can do this!’
“And just like that, a surge of energy came over me. I started picking up the bags with renewed strength. One by one, I piled them up on the skids.
“I pressed the red button to restart production and finished another day at the wheel with my head held high.
“Next day was Friday. I got the rhythm of the job down, and I finished up the day. As I headed out the door, the foreman stopped me and said, ‘Hey, Sam–next week you’re on forklift duty.’ And for the rest of the summer, I drove the forklift and ran the bulk grain-mixing machine.
“Later I found out that the wheel was a test. The size of a man didn’t matter–just his resolve to succeed and to push the limits of his work ethic.” 1
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The story I just shared is the story that my husband shared with me 25 years ago, and it changed my heart towards him forever. For the first time, I could see clearly the kind of man I married. He’d never quit on himself. He’d never quit on our marriage.
Learn and dare to share the story of what makes you who you are!
I spend my professional life helping people share powerful stories, so I know first hand that story is the most powerful form of communication at our disposal.
If you have been discouraged because your wife has closed her heart toward you, don’t quit.
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But there’s more evidence than a single, personal anecdote. Breakthroughs in neuroscience now support the idea that our brains are wired to respond to a story. Cognitive scientist Robert C. Schank puts it this way, “Humans are not ideally set up to understand logic; they are ideally set up to understand stories.” 2
If you have been discouraged because your wife has closed her heart toward you, don’t quit. Take the time to discover the most powerful story that illustrates who you really are. Then share it with authenticity and vulnerability until you build a bridge to her heart.
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Credits:
1 Story first published in Bridge Builders: How Superb Communicators Get What They Want in Business and in Life by Maria Keckler (Adapted). New York: Morgan James Publishing, 2015
2 Schank, Robert C. Quoted by Daniel H. Pink in A Whole New Mind: Why Right-brainers Will Rule the Future. New York: Riverhead Books, 2006.
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Photo: Flickr/ hiromy