Almost 8 years ago I was having bereavement counselling for my mother’s death when my counsellor made me aware I was being emotionally abused in my marriage. Of course, it should have seemed obvious that my wife telling me I wasn’t allowed to eat in the same room as her and her daughter, couldn’t talk out loud in the evening or use the bathroom in the morning, to name just a few things, was abusive. But the abuse started gradually with small things which were given justifications, making me seem bad if I didn’t oblige. I wasn’t able to have friends over, because my wife was often busy in the evenings and said it wasn’t fair for me to see my friends if she didn’t have time to see hers. I had to clean my laundry separately because “mens’ clothes just smell more than womens’”. When I tried to talk about any of these things, I’d get shot down. I’d be told to ‘be a man about it and stop getting upset’. Or she’d completely withdraw emotionally until I complied. For years, I’d started feeling anxious about going home, preferring to work late, although when I did I was made to feel guilty about being out when she wasn’t able to. Towards the end of the relationship, I’d spend night after night in tears in the bedroom, where I had to spend hours on my own, not even being allowed to go to the kitchen to get water.
So the question is, why on earth did I stay in the marriage so long?
The answer to that question is quite complicated. However, one of the biggest learnings I’ve had to help me understand how I got into this mess, and stay there for years, is about attachment styles.
Understanding your attachment style and your partner’s can not only help you avoid getting into potentially abusive relationships, but also hold an important key to unlocking happy and fulfilling relationships.
Attachment theory explores relationships between people, more importantly the deep, lasting bonds that hold us together. It can help you understand why some people seem to find it so difficult to have long term relationships, and why some people stay in relationships where they seem unhappy. It can explain why there are some people who keep going out with the ‘wrong’ type of person, even when it is obvious to everyone else. And why some people are so stuck on finding their ‘soul mate’ that they end up old and alone.
Attachment theory was developed by a psychiatrist, John Bowlby (1958), who worked in London with emotionally disturbed children. He theorised that the early relationship between the infant and mother was a critical factor in healthy emotional development. Bowlby observed a standard pattern of responses in infants who were separated from their caregivers: protest, despair and detachment. The psychologist Mary Ainsworth expanded on Bowlby’s work with her “Strange Situation” study. In this study, young children between the ages of twelve and eighteen months were left alone for a short time by their mothers. The children were distressed when the mother left, however on her return, children responded in different ways, which led to the idea of different attachment styles. Some children were easily soothed, indicating that they had a secure attachment style. The other two groups fell into insecure attachment styles. The first were difficult to soothe showing protest behaviour; these displayed an anxious style. The other group would actively ignore the mother on her return, instead focusing on playing with toys; this group was classified as avoidant.
These characteristics in response are connected to the way a parent relates to their child. Parents of securely attached children tend to be more reactive to their children’s needs as opposed to the parents of insecurely attached children. Most importantly, securely attached children behave more confidently in exploring their environment because they have a secure base to return to.
Bowbly argued that infants develop attitudes, expectations, emotional responses that are carried all the way into adulthood. However, attachment styles are not set in stone and can be modified. An insecurely attached infant can develop a secure attachment in childhood for example if cared for by a grandparent who provides a secure base. Conversely a securely attached child may develop insecure responses after the divorce of their parent. Although our attachment styles may be influenced by these early relationships with parents, there are many other factors that are involved. For example, genetics, relationships with friends through development and romantic relationships as we become adults. These attachment styles tend to correspond to different ways of behaving and feeling as adults.
In 1987 Hazan and Shaver were the first to apply attachment theory to adult romantic relationships. They observed similarities between the bonds that tie adults in a romantic relationship and those that tied adult and infant. Lovers it seemed, responded to their partner in a similar way that infants responded to their primary caregiver. Hazan and Shaver described four attachment styles: secure, anxious (preoccupied), avoidant (dismissing) and fearful.
Someone with a secure attachment style will tend to have long lasting and trusting relationships. In fact, they tend not to be on the dating scene much, because they stay in relationships. They also usually have a high level of self-esteem and are good at communicating and sharing their feelings with partners and friends. They also look for social support when they need it. Around 50% of adults fit into this category.
Adults with avoidant-dismissing attachment styles tend to find intimacy challenging. It’s not that they don’t want relationships, however, when someone gets too close to them, they feel overwhelmed and tend to detach by pushing the other person away. Avoidant adults are cautious in sharing their feeling or what they are thinking with other people. They tend to keep their feelings in and struggle with trust. On the face of it avoidant adults tend to express little upset, if any, when a relationship ends. They may often just remember the bad times and blame the other person. They might make excuses to work late to avoid intimacy, and often exclude others from their personal space. As they are self-focused and taking direction mainly from themselves they struggle with supporting their partner emotionally. Research has also shown that adults with avoidant attachment styles are more likely to pursue casual sex.
An adult with an anxious-preoccupied attachment style craves intimacy. They are constantly preoccupied with thinking about their relationship and want to be close to their partner. Anxious partners tend to let their feelings out and often exaggerate emotions. They tend towards clinging and excessive generosity. An anxious-preoccupied person often has very unclear self-boundaries and may protest through alternating between aggressiveness and passivity. They don’t feel secure in their partner’s feelings for them, and need regular reassurance, otherwise they start to get anxious.
Relationships usually work best if one or both partners have secure attachment styles. The good news is that it only takes one partner to be secure to make the whole relationship secure.
Unfortunately, if you are single and looking for a relationship, the majority of people on the dating circuit tend to have an insecure attachment style, either anxious or avoidant, because the secures are more likely to be in long term relationships.
Which means that to have a happy relationship, you might need to work that much harder at learning to understand, communicate and emphasize with your partner
Also be aware of any warning signs when you are starting a relationship.
Probably the most problematic mix of attachment styles in a couple is the anxious — avoidant combination. Couples in couples therapy or marriage counselling mostly present with this combination. The person who is anxious craves intimacy, however, the avoidant person starts to withdraw as soon as things start to get too close. Now, you might think that that would deter the anxious person, however, the reality is that it can actually be unhealthily captivating, like a moth to a flame. The anxious partner simply ramps up the ‘protest’ by demanding more. An avoidant adult often sends out mixed signals. At first, they seem to want a ‘special’ relationship, however as soon as things get closer, they start to keep their distance. They don’t call for a couple of days and the anxious person becomes preoccupied thinking about them. When the avoidant person finally calls, the anxious person feels calm again.
The anxious person ends up living an emotional roller coaster of feelings. In fact, they often tend to confuse this with love. But it isn’t. It’s more like an addict looking for their next fix. When they have been in the relationship for a while, the anxious person may be so afraid of losing the connection with their partner that they end up doing what the other person tells them. Even when it isn’t good for them.
And that was a powerful learning for me. When I learned about attachment styles, it really helped to explain a lot about why I stayed for such a long time in an increasingly abusive relationship. On reflection, I started to see where my anxious attachment system had developed. Throughout my childhood, my parents seemed to be endlessly fighting and screaming at each other. I remember my mother storming out the house in a blaze of fury and as the door slammed, I never knew if she’d return. She did, although sometimes she’d disappear for days or weeks. So I grew up never feeling I had the security of someone’s unconditional love for me.
When I left home, I hated being single. I’d often get into relationships with avoidant women that ended with me feeling devastated. In fact, I remember one relationship where at the start of the relationship, she even warned me ‘maybe you shouldn’t get involved with me, because I’ll just break your heart.” I should have listened, but that anxious — avoidant pull was too strong.
I realise now that I ended up marrying someone who was highly avoidant. Along with that, highly controlling. If I did what she wanted, she’d offer emotional closeness, but when I didn’t she’d act cold and distant. Particularly at the beginning of the relationship, there were moments that felt incredibly close. However, those times became less and less frequent. I kept telling myself that if I just waited and tried to please her, then we’d get that closeness back.
But in fact, I’d become addicted to the highs and lows of my overly active attachment system. I’d confused love with the occasional calming of my constantly anxious state of wanting closeness. That closeness was like a golden carrot stuck on the end of a stick over the head of a donkey, almost in reach, but never quite possible to grab hold of. And in my efforts to get it, I forfeited my own happiness and ended up a prisoner in my own home.
Now, the chances are that you won’t find yourself in a situation quite like this. There again, I never thought that I would.
If I’d learned about attachment styles and the dangers of the anxious — avoidant combination, maybe I’d have thought twice.
I certainly hope that as you read this now, you can take that learning to help you make better choices in your relationships and avoid falling into the trap that I did.
So what are some of the warning signs to look for?
If you have an anxious attachment style, one major red flag to look for when you start dating someone are mixed messages. Does the other person seem interested; then doesn’t reply to your messages for days. Remember these mixed messages really can stimulate the anxious attachment system and don’t confuse that stimulation with attraction or love. It will only lead to bad places!
Another clue is when the other person tells you they are looking for their ‘soul mate’. This is often the avoidant’s fantasy that no-one will ever live up to for more than a brief time, but essentially is a way for the avoidant to avoid emotional closeness.
Whether you are anxious or avoidant, you can change. Change can start with awareness. Both styles ultimately want connection, however they’ve developed different ‘defence’ systems because of past experiences. In fact one way that anyone can become more secure is by getting into a relationship with someone who has a more secure attachment style.
After my abusive relationship ended and I’d had some time to self-reflect, I got into a relationship with someone who had a more secure attachment style. And for probably the first time in my adult life, I found love with someone who I knew loved me and who I could completely be myself with. Because I’ve become more secure, I’m completely comfortable expressing my feelings. Above all I know that I’d never get into a situation like I did before.
There are great books and courses on attachment styles, or to explore your attachment style even deeper, there is no substitute for personal therapy. If you have an insecure attachment style, you can change. And when you do, you’ll find deeper and more fulfilling relationships and lasting happiness like I have.
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Previously published on medium
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