My name is JP and I would love to ask Allana a follow up question to her video titled “what do you do when your woman needs time away to think”.
Very simply my question is: in the video you explain the situation in which a woman will say that out of the blue to her man she is already dating, but what if my girl says that to me after I asked to her to go steady and be an official couple after 1 year of essentially dating and sleeping together exclusively?
Both in early 30’s successful young professionals. Both met while doing an executive MBA and immediately hit it off. Essentially we were a couple for 1 year (no one in our program knew, only close friends) however I wanted to take it slow because I was getting over my ex but saw a lot of potential and didn’t want to stop what we had. A year later ( 1 month ago) I tell her I’m in love with her and ready for a relationship.
She replies she loves me too but is not sure, if she is ready, claiming she doesn’t know if she can give me the attention I need and that she is very independent and wants to spend time with friends and not answer to anyone. We used to be inseparable and very intimate, now she has pulled away and seem to have gone back to square 1 just being friends. I have to see her constantly and I’m not sure how to behave. I have been as normal as I can under the circumstances.
Would really love your help, it’s been really hard on me.
Thank you very much, JP
Answer: Sweet man. I’m so glad you’ve reached out. How awful to have such intimacy and freedom of expression only to have her pull away.
For some reason, the lack of ‘deal’ or clarity seems to have worked for her and now that you’ve professed your love to her she is uncomfortable with reality. It seems she has a conclusion of what ‘being in a relationship’ is as she’s honestly BEEN IN A RELATIONSHIP with you with great ease and joy for the past year, yes?
What is it that you desire and require about being ‘ready for a relationship’ that is different than what you have now? Could you communicate with her what that is? Perhaps she assumes it’s different than you mean.
OR perhaps you mean true exclusivity that you’ve been timid to request in the past and now that you’ve had the courage to ask for it… the truth is on the table that she doesn’t desire exclusivity, yes?
On the one hand it’s difficult to know how to be when you two were in the flow of desire for the past year… yet on the other hand, if she’s not ready for the depth of commitment and intimacy you desire, better to find out now rather than go against your truth and values, yes?
If she’s relationship/commitment shy/phobic, best to find out now, yet I do encourage you to have a vulnerable, honest authentic conversations about how you each define relationship, what each of you desire, what each of you would feel contributed to by… all the honest details that two intimate friends can talk about… and let the truth guide you as to what you both choose… and clear up the awkwardness and restore the connection.
Ask her for a walk in a park or a lovely meal out on the town… celebrate how far you’ve come with her, put down your walls and just be you. Perhaps this level of connection will blow you both away, regardless of the outcome.
And know I’m here to help if you require supporting communicating together, or you desire support not going into negative conclusion about relationships, women etc. If it doesn’t pan out the way you desire, that doesn’t mean you’re wrong, women are wrong, or relationships are wrong… perhaps this is a chance to deepen your consciousness… to allow all and judge nothing, yes?
Thank you again for reaching out, keep me posted, great love, A xoxoox