Online dating sites are an excellent way to meet your match. But, you’ll have to weed through some jerks. Like this one…
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I have a love/hate relationship with Tinder. I love the ease of swiping right if I like a guy, or left if I want to pass. It takes much less time than traditional online dating, where you’re scrolling through hundreds of profiles and reading essays. With Tinder, you can search for love over lunch, while getting a haircut, or on line at the grocery store. Easy peasy.
As a dating coach, I try out most online dating sites and apps.
I test-drive them for my clients, so I know which ones to recommend. And as a woman dating after divorce, online dating is my primary way to meet eligible men.
I was on Tinder a few years ago, and didn’t like it. I found that most men wanted to either hook up or text incessantly.
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I was on Tinder a few years ago, and didn’t like it. I found that most men wanted to either hook up or text incessantly. I’m looking for dates, not a chat buddy. So, I quickly grew tired of Tinder and uninstalled it.
Recently, I was having a drink in the City with my friend Melani, and she suggested I give Tinder another try.
It’s the only site she’s on, and she’s met lots of professional, quality men in Manhattan through the app. I figured, if Melani likes it, why not give it another try? I signed on, and this time I was enjoying the experience so much more. I connected with several quality guys. All was going very nicely…until ‘H’ messaged me. Here’s what happened.
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The Classless Jerk I Met on Tinder
It started out innocently, with a few short messages. “Hi”, “How are you?”, “Where do you live?” I answered him. Then came, “Are you divorced, how many kids do you have, how old are they?” Before I had a chance to answer, he asked, “I’m 6’2″. How tall are you?”
“I’m 5’5″”, I answered. Here’s a screen shot of what happened next.
I was a little playful about wearing heels, asking if he wears them, too. But then, the conversation quickly took a sharp left turn down sexy lane.
I couldn’t believe he asked if I was still sensual and sexual after age 55! He’s just being honest? How about classless?
I get that you don’t want to invest a ton of time and energy into a relationship if it turns out the sex is terrible. Hey, nobody wants bad sex.
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Now, I’ve spoken to many men about the need to know if a woman is good in bed before the relationship goes too far. I get that you don’t want to invest a ton of time and energy into a relationship if it turns out the sex is terrible. Hey, nobody wants bad sex.
BUT…whatever happened to courtship, and attraction building, and good sex as the outcome of a hot amazing relationship? Call me old-fashioned, but I think it’s a major turnoff to ask someone if they’re good in bed before you’ve even spoken on the phone.
Usually, if a guy is inappropriate or disrespectful in a text, I click ‘un-match’ and move on. But this guy had crossed a line, and I was in the mood to have a little fun. So, I sent this message:
I figured he’d just go away. Nope. Here was his response:
This is where I clicked the ‘un-match’ tab. I was done with this classless jerk. The sad thing is, he’s clueless about what he did wrong. And he will definitely continue to talk to women about sex via text before they meet, thinking it’s a good way to weed out the asexual old biddies.
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Come on, classless jerky man. Don’t lead with your sex questions. If you just want to have sex, that’s fine, but be classy enough to at least treat a woman to dinner first. I think that’s the protocol in today’s world of online dating hookups. Pay for dinner = permission to jump her bones for dessert. Right?
In all seriousness, this guy was a jerk, and it felt good to call him out, even if he didn’t get it. And for all you online dating skeptics, please don’t be turned off about dating online. People find love online every day. Many of my clients are in amazing relationships with people they met online.
Online dating is not filled with classless jerks. There are many, many good people online, even on Tinder. If you want to meet them, you do need to sift and sort.
The way I see it? Classless jerks fall by the wayside. Good guys get first dates. I’ll even wear my heels!
Have you ever dated on Tinder? Please share your experience below.
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Originally published on Last First Date
Photo: Flickr/MattysFlicks
At 47 I feel that Tinder is for the generation’s younger than me, meaning it is all about the short attention span quick hook up – the booty call. And as I am also 5-6, I have never bothered with it. I don’t do well in the 6 second world. I am surprised you nexted him, the tall hot jerk is exactly what legions of lore on the web are stacked with, in droves. You missed the impending dick pic that I am sure he had ready …. Courting doesn’t happen in seconds, you were fishing in the wrong hole… Read more »
@ Jules @ Sandy Weiner I think the issue here is that some people assume that a person who wants sex right away is not interested in an LTR. That might be usually true, but I don’t think it’s mutually exclusive. I don’t think you can label someone as a jerk based on your assumption. and talk about classless. “Usually, if a guy is inappropriate or disrespectful in a text, I click ‘un-match’ and move on. But this guy had crossed a line, and I was in the mood to have a little fun. So, I sent this message:” That… Read more »
“I have a love/hate relationship with Tinder. I love the ease of swiping right if I like a guy, or left if I want to pass.”
This whole idea seems like treating people as if one were shopping for produce. You know like trying to pick the best mango. It just seems rather odd to me. I guess it works for many folks. So, have at it!!!
“I found that most men wanted to either hook up or text incessantly.”
There might be a little issue of wanting free stuff involved. Not everyone is going to move at your pace. That doesn’t make them jerks. As a man, I’d say that description was more apt for a woman who would end a relationship with a guy because he texts too much rather than moving the relationship along by you know, asking him out, but then I guess you’d give free stuff rather than receive it.
Tinder is the online version of fast food. Instant gratification, little long-term relational nutrition, loaded with sugar, and leaving you chasing the next fix once the endorphin high wears off. Sure the chocolate milk shake is damn tasty and the texture is to die for, but it’s difficult to complain about the lactose aftermath once several trillion bacteria are reacquainted with fermentable sugar. It entirely depends on what one’s objective is, but for anyone who’s wanting a healthy long term relationship / life partner, in theory should be approaching it along the same lines of what healthy eating looks like.… Read more »
“I’m sticking with the steak & stilton spinach arugula salad.”
I hope your steak is from grain feed (Non GMO) cattle and free of hormones and antibiotics. Otherwise, you are simply cancelling out the salad.
So, with Tinder there is no profile?
Good question – honestly, and rather tellingly… neither of us knows. But it does speak to a dichotomy of people like you and I who won’t use it intentionally, and the other side which is looking for a path of even less resistance. The issue I find with a mobile only approach is, “in theory” (with big air quotes) people are searching for a life partner – which is by far the greatest / most intensive choice to be made in life (at least a house can be sold) with a myopic view. The greatest concentration of effort and selection… Read more »
I would not get your expectations too high on Tinder…. Sounds like it’s PUA town
It’s not that hard to understand why some men act this way when you frame it correctly: This is how some in-demand people with lots of romantic or sexual options act. Usually, it’s the highly-attractive women doing it, so it seems incongruous to see men in this role, but the same s#!++y attitude comes through no matter the gender. But as a few other regulars on this site like to point out, women (in general, natch) rate most men as below-average attractiveness. I read a study once that found that roughly 25% of men have over 75% of the sex.… Read more »
@ Jonathan G, “The tell is right there in the schtick he used to casually reveal his height as an opening gambit.” Yep!! The vast majority of women (American women) find men over 6 feet tall attractive. Yet, only 15% of American males are over 6 feet tall… Just read some of the stories posted by women….one of the very first things they will mention is how tall the guy is… Look at this piece, https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/thank-you-future-mother-in-law-jnky/ “At 6 feet 4 inches, he towers over me…. As you stated, he knows he is “in demand” by women. Hence, he can be… Read more »
Yeah, Jules knows what’s up!
I noticed one day recently that a Facebook friend had commented on a post by a woman who said she was giving up on ever finding a life partner because all the men she could find were (as best I can recall) self-centered, cheating jerks only interested in one thing. Another commenter offered to connect the poster with the commenter’s nephew, who she said was sweet, loyal and handsome. I had to click through to see the the woman’s reply to an offer of meeting such a man. It was this, verbatim:
“Is he tall?”
If he’s trying to minimize effort / maximize result that way, he should just put his height in his profile, like most guys do on Tinder, and then be even more blunt in the messaging and simply say “DTF?” , another common ‘message’ women (and maybe men?) receive on Tinder.
Perhaps he did have it on his profile, but wanted to emphasize it. And this might be controversial, but it matches everything I’ve observed and heard from friends: Because of societal expectations, not all women who are DTF are honest, even with themselves, about their intentions. Bluntly asking “DTF?” nets a “no” for an answer, because she doesn’t want to think of herself that way. For that type of woman, the F has to be nominally his idea.
Jules, Yes, it was obvious what he was after. Tinder is not just for hookups anymore. Many people on Tinder have forged long-term relationships, and many have married. I respect that you don’t think this guy was a jerk. As a woman, having a man ask about whether I was sexually active and sensual before meeting me? Classless. Jerk. I’m someone who gives people the benefit of the doubt. I am kind to strangers. I treat everyone with the kindness they deserve. This guy didn’t deserve any more of my time. And yes, “I don’t think we’re a good match”… Read more »
“Tinder is not just for hookups anymore. Many people on Tinder have forged long-term relationships, and many have married.”
Well, I stand corrected. I thought it was pretty much a place to go for quick sex.
Oh Sandy Tinder is pretty much a “hook up” site wth a few accidental relationships, (at 55 you should know the difference between the norm and a coincidence). And the guy was pretty straight with you, he gave you the option to say no thanks; be thankful for that. Many men string you along with the “relationship carrot” just to later tell you all they wanted was a hook up. I rather encounter a rude jerk from the get go (ho gives me the choice to leave unharmed) than meet a charmer with a hidden agenda.
Luzy, Tinder began as a hookup site. In my experience, the culture has shifted a lot since its inception. I personally know many women who have found long term relationships via Tinder. So, I think it’s less accidental to find love on Tinder than it’s ever been. I agree that it’s helpful when people show you who they are right away (and they almost always do). It’s easier to walk away. But, the point of the article was not about being rude early or a few weeks in. It was about the need to put sex out there so soon.… Read more »
@ Sandy Weiner, “If we can just wait and see if there’s a true emotional connection, wouldn’t the sex ultimately be much better?” This is not true for many people. More than you perhaps car to admit. Not does it necessarily follow that good or better sex always results from an emotional connection. I think the big difference between men and women is that most men consider pretty much any and all sex to be good. Whereas for women, it’s all about “good” sex since so many women do not experience sex the way we men do. Notice how when… Read more »
Judging by his “line of questioning” it was pretty obvious what he was seeking… He asked not one single question about you as a person. So, there you have it. All physical/sexual stuff. I don’t do online dating. I have no problem meeting women. So, I have zero experience with it. Given that it is Tinder, isn’t that what that app is known for…hookups and sex? I certainly would not consider the guy a jerk. He was very direct (or indirect I guess) on what he was seeking. I find nothing wrong with that myself. Why not just say to… Read more »