The “You Don’t Understand My Pain” Excuse
Some people use this excuse to justify their inaction.
It keeps them stuck in the victim mentality and the victim role. Therefore, it perpetuates their suffering and makes their lives worse.
I want to shed light on this excuse in this article.
Once you understand it, you’ll be able to avoid it and you’ll be able to deal with people who use it.
That will help you have a better quality of life and a sharper, stronger mentality.
It’s quite simple. Let’s get started.
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Pain Is a Part Of Life
It’s one of the parts that are shared by everyone in the world.
Just like death, everyone who is alive is going to experience pain.
That might sound too pessimistic. But it doesn’t have to be. Overcoming pain and transcending it is what gives life meaning. That’s the good news.
So, like it or hate it, pain is a fact. The way you deal with this fact is what will shape your reality.
One of the (harmful) ways you can deal with the fact of pain is by idolizing it.
By putting it on a pedestal.
In more specific words, by putting your pain on a pedestal and idolizing it.
And one of the ways you can do that is by claiming that people will not understand your pain or where you come from.
That is demoralizing in many ways. It will contribute to your inaction and it will make the pain itself worse by isolating you.
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The Victim Mentality 101
You don’t take action when you play the victim role.
One of the ways you can start playing the victim role is by idolizing your pain.
For example, let’s say you think you’re screwed up because of what happened to you in your childhood.
Let’s say you were bullied, humiliated, and neglected by your parents.
And that’s causing you pain.
Rightly so.
But you can idolize that pain by making it a part of your identity.
And then by going one step further and giving that identity a superior position.
You start believing that you’re the type of person who is always bullied, humiliated, and neglected. Other people are not.
And that other people can’t understand who you are because that’s too complex. Because they haven’t gone through the same.
There’s arrogance in this way of thinking by the way. A subtle narcissistic mentality.
But what’s even more dangerous about it is it will make you live in pain. Why? Because it’s now a part of your identity.
You’ll not be able to see anything but it. And you’ll not be able to believe it’s possible to overcome it or transcend it.
That’s a defeated mentality that will lead you to inaction.
And the fact that you believe no one understands it will isolate you.
Even if some people do understand what you’re going through (or can), and are trying to help you, your eyes will miss that.
You will not explain. You will not try to unpack your pain or what troubles your heart.
So, you will make it harder or even impossible for people to understand you or to help you.
That will isolate you from others. And it will assert the belief of your uniqueness.
And you will go down the rabbit hole of living in the victim role. You’ll be fixated on your miserable situation. You’ll fail to see your responsibility because all you can see is your pain.
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Some People Will Understand
I am not saying that everyone can and should understand your pain.
No.
Some people won’t. Some people can’t.
And that’s okay.
I am not belittling your pain as well.
I believe that it should only be shared with people who have earned the right to hear your story, as Brene Brown explains.
Your pain is a part of you (it’s not you) and it’s totally valid to feel it and live it. And you must respect it by sharing it with people who have earned the right to hear it.
Don’t just go out there and share it with everyone or with the wrong people.
Share it with people you trust. And for you to trust someone, they have to earn it.
They can understand.
And if, for whatever reason, that is not an option for you, don’t fall into the trap of thinking no one understands your pain.
People go through hard things in their lives. Some will understand. And some have enough empathy and wisdom to understand.
Maybe they can’t feel your pain as much as you do. But they can relate and understand.
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What Are You Really After?
One of the pitfalls of this mentality is that it makes you chase the wrong things.
If you’re in pain, you can go after two things.
Emotional support (understanding) and practical support (solutions).
Both of them are useful.
When you’re in pain, you will have a few privileges, believe it or not!
For instance, when someone is sick, they have the privilege of being the center of attention. They will be excused from doing many things. People will listen to them and take care of them.
That’s good.
Nothing is wrong with that.
The same happens when you’re in pain.
People will listen to you and empathize with you. They will give you their attention and lend you an ear and offer you emotional support.
That’s good.
But it can get worse when you get addicted to these privileges. To the emotional support. To the attention people give you. To the privileges of being a victim.
It gets worse when you get addicted to this and forget about, you know… actually solving the problem itself.
A part of you doesn’t believe you can solve it.
And another part of you is getting comfortable with the “understanding” you’re trying to get from people.
You’re after the wrong things.
You’re addicted to the privileges of being a victim.
They’re far more attractive to you than actually taking the responsibility and solving the problem or at least facing it.
And when someone faces you with these harsh facts, you revert back to your favorite excuses.
No one understands. You don’t understand me. You don’t understand what it’s like for people like me growing up. You’re too privileged to see my suffering.
Cut the crap.
Some people understand. We’re all humans and know what pain is. Respect your pain but don’t put it on a pedestal. And don’t get addicted to the privileges your pain can give you. Overcome it and transcend it. That’s why it’s here.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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