Seven years ago, my day began and ended just like many others. But for my youngest child, it was a monumental day in their life.
I was relaxing on the couch watching tv when Becca, my daughter, curled up beside me. This wasn’t unusual. Although she was a teenager, she was my baby, and we were very close.
The past few weeks, she had been a little off. Usually the bubbly one in the family, I noticed something was on her mind and asked her repeatedly if something was bothering her, to which she always replied, “no.” But a mother knows better.
I knew when she was ready; she would come to me.
Sitting on that couch seven years ago, my daughter revealed she was gay.
My reaction: Ok, so tell me something I don’t already know. Then I hugged Rebecca, and our day went on.
I realize this sounds flippant in retelling this story. After all, it was a big step for my daughter to share her sexuality with me. However, I already knew she was gay. I was waiting for her to accept it and be comfortable enough to share this part of her life with me and the world.
It did take a little while to tell the world, but that is for another story.
Our role as parents to our LGBTQ children
I have always known I wanted children. Being a mother was my only goal in life for many years, and I was blessed with two beautiful babies who have grown into amazing adults.
But life wasn’t as idyllic as I would have liked for them. I wanted to spare them some of the ugliness and pain of life but couldn’t. I believe every parent wants to protect their kids from pain and suffering. We want them always to know joy and love and never to question themselves. But it doesn’t work that way.
Unfortunately, it is often the parents who cause the most harm to their children.
When my daughter came to me and opened up about her sexuality, I was already comfortable with it. Does that mean I don’t have screw-ups in what I say or have thoughts about her future full of what if’s and what could have been? Sure. I am human.
As a mother, I envisioned my children’s futures before they could even walk. We often take what we love or want in life and transfer it to our children. We see them as extensions of ourselves, and I think we subconsciously live some of our dreams through them.
Many parents can’t seem to get past this part of raising their children, and when our kids need us the most, parents struggle the most.
- They worry about what others will think.
- What does their faith say about being gay?
- What kind of life will their child have?
Many parents fail to realize that none of these matters
How we respond to our children is what matters most.
Our children deserve to know that we, as parents, have their backs no matter their path. It is a commitment we made when we decided to have children.
We don’t get to love them and support them only when it is convenient.
There comes a point in parenting when we realize we don’t own or control our children. They are gifts to us to guide and protect, but ultimately our job is to give them wings. Those wings take confidence and courage to stand up tall and take those steps into the unknown and embrace what their life is about.
It’s not our life to live. It is ours to give.
Whatever our fears or failures are as parents are ours alone and do not rest on our children’s backs. I owe them to educate myself if I do not understand their choices.
It is not up to them to make it acceptable for us. It is our job to be accepting of them.
Many people have strong feelings about whether being gay is acceptable, but that is not the point. Our children will do and say things that may or may not agree with us as their parents, which is ok. They are not younger versions of ourselves and do not represent us. They are their own unique wonderful human beings formed in ways I readily admit I have no understanding of how something so beautiful and miraculous came to be. Who am I to question what they feel or think?
Sometimes we get caught up thinking we must “save” everyone, especially those we love. However, it isn’t our job to save anyone. That is beyond our qualifications. But we are to love one another.
What does love one another really mean?
It means to love unconditionally. You don’t have to live like someone or follow the same belief system to love someone.
“You must love in such a way that the person you love feels free.”
― Thich Nhat Hanh
And who better to love unconditionally than your child? God/the universe presented you with this precious gift. They are ours for a short time and then belong to the world. We must build them up with love and self-confidence for their future, not tear them down through disrespect and judgment.
Be the best parent you can be, and love your child unconditionally.
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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
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