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Shocked but not shocked. Frustrated, yet not surprised.
It seems I roll along for a few months, sometimes almost a year, then a small cluster of crazies fume at their lack of control over me, and decide to stir the pot and turn up the toxicity in our relationship, even if we really don’t have a relationship.
Most recently, my parents and ex-wife were the culprits. They stirred up the crap, right in the midst of the holidays, and before I knew it, I’d been injected with an overdose of toxic behavior.
In typical fashion, I fumed. Became frustrated. Wanted to give them a one-way ticket on the FU express. Then a wise man, my husband, asked me this one question:
What do you want from them?
At first, I wanted to slap the crap out of him for asking that question, and then I saw the light. A beaconing neon light in the recesses of my subconscious calling me forth to do the work because, God knows, my parents and ex won’t!
In that moment, I got woke and realized I had the power. The ball was in my court. No longer was I to cower behind the hope that it was their responsibility to change to make me feel respected, understood, nor for them to become responsible. I was being irrational in thought to believe any of that was possible. After all, it’s been 20 years since I came out of the closet, got divorced, and granted myself permission to live authentically. 20 years that I’ve walked this tight rope of continually trying to please them by paying penitence through the guilt and shame of coming out of the closet. But no more!
I hold all the power. They hold none. That power is PERMISSION.
- Permission to finally avoid the toxicity of their relationships.
- Permission to step above their inability to grant me respect.
- Permission to acknowledge that responsibility for their actions eludes them.
- Permission to invest my time in people and relationships the lift me up.
- Permission to acknowledge that they are doing the best they can.
As I stood, staring at my husband, post slap me upside the head with a question that stopped me in my tracks, I realized, I wasn’t giving myself permission to release my parents and ex-wife from my life.
Sure, I’d thought about it in the past, letting them go, but it always came from a space of getting even, needing them to see things my way, or playing a losing game of tit-for-tat. Of course that never worked, and thus the reason the universe once again, said, “Gurl…you still haven’t learned this lesson, so let’s try this again during the holidays of 2018!”
Wake up call received. I do feel woke. Not perfect. Not 100% learned yet, but on my way.
All because I’m giving myself permission to do a toxic cleanse of people who simply don’t deserve my energy, right now, and maybe for the long haul. Is it easy to take this path? Hell no! We’re to conditioned to do the right thing, to be the better person, to follow Michele Obama’s call to “When they go low, we go high!” Amen sistah. However, there are the defining moments in time when going high requires elevating yourself above the toxic behavior of others, and sashaying away!
In the juxtaposition from obliger to self-preservationist, consider these 5 empowering thoughts for giving yourself the kick in the pants of permission granted to dump the toxic relationships in your life.
1. I grant myself permission to love myself enough to rid myself of others expectations.
2. I grant myself permission to let others work out their shit on their own, not on me.
3. I grant myself permission to quit trying to change others. My job is make me better.
4. I grant myself permission to set up boundaries in toxic relationships. No guilt. No shame.
5. I grant myself permission to be at peace with my decisions about who is in my life.
No one wise ever said, the elixir of toxic relationships brings me joy…unless you are a narcissist. Which is a whole other blog post!
Oh, and by the way, what was the answer to my husband’s question as to what I wanted from my parents and ex-wife?
Respect and to own their responsibility for their actions. I now know that I can’t get them to give me that, so I’ve given myself PERMISSION to release those insane expectations.
What do you want from the toxic people in your life? Will you honestly ever get that?
The answers you come up with are a pretty good place to start with granting yourself permission to let them go!
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