I was giving her the “that’s cute” attitude followed by a metaphorical head pat. That’s when it hit me. I’m a perpetrator!
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Female entrepreneurs should not be treated the same as male entrepreneurs.
That is, if you treat male entrepreneurs poorly. If you do treat male entrepreneurs with the level of respect humans generally deserve, then women deserve that respect too. Obvious, right?
I thought this was obvious, until my work took me deeper into the world of technology startups.
When I was in college, we talked about the glass ceiling in a business ethics course. We divided the issue up and down and every way we could. Conceptually, I understood that the glass ceiling existed. But I didn’t think it was that common of an issue.
Imagine a board room of corporate male leaders sitting around a large oak table. The room smells like cigars and coffee, and the men are sweating through their suits. The leader of the leaders rises, clears his throat, then begins.
“Frank, what’s the budget line look like on our glass ceiling look like for Q3?”
I’ve got no clue why this was the picture to pop into my head when we talked about the glass ceiling in business. But there it was. Unbelievable, right?
It was certainly unbelievable to me.
I’m sure that scene had been real at one point in history, and maybe even every now and then in today’s world. But certainly not as often as some claimed it to be.
But I was wrong to think that gender inequality happens only every so often. Gender inequality is alive and well, and the glass ceiling is real.
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I was right, and I was wrong.
Board room discussions very rarely go that way anymore. If these discussions occur, they’re not as blatantly sexist, say a couple of my mentors. I was right on that assumption.
But I was wrong to think that gender inequality happens only every so often. Gender inequality is alive and well, and the glass ceiling is real.
The glass ceiling has evolved more into a glass box.
Many of my talented, independent, sharp female friends have told me about what it’s like to be female in male-dominated spaces like tech and in certain parts of academia. Surprisingly, they rarely point to the statistics that prove their points to be true.
They don’t care about the gender gap in salary or about the issues surrounding maternity leave. In fact, most of them thought men got the short end of the stick when it came to leaving work to care for a child.
“I’m not necessarily disrespected any more or any less than my male counterparts, but I’m definitely put on display more than they are. Think of it like a glass box.”
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Instead, they talked about how irritated they often become when they have to prove themselves in ways that men don’t. One friend said it this way, “I’m not necessarily disrespected any more or any less than my male counterparts, but I’m definitely put on display more than they are.”
“Think of it like a glass box,” she said.
Her accomplishments are often met with the equivalent of a head pat. Rather than being recognized for the worth of her work, what she accomplishes is considered cute. She consistently feels the pressure to out-perform and over-achieve in her work, which is something she consistently does.
Her experiences aren’t universal.
Some work environments are much better than others.
A mentor of mine who does corporate training once told me that the glass ceiling—or box—is real and imaginary all at once.
She admits that she’s been held back in some way by men in her work environment because they didn’t believe in her, but she was quick to note that she paid it the exact amount of attention she thought it deserved.
Zero.
She acknowledges that it’s a real thing, but pays it no attention. She firmly believes that ignorance opens doors for the enlightened. When that door closes another one opens, and it’s usually to something better anyways.
I’ve seen the subtle sexism in action before. Actually, I’m guilty of it!
As a man attracted to women, I’ve found myself to be sexually attracted to some of the women with whom I’ve done business. These women are usually incredibly sharp, ambitious, and driven, which are three qualities I’m naturally attracted to. When this happens, I’ve noticed that I become far less objective in our discussions.
In one situation, I let that attraction get the best of me. Both she and I were naturally flirtatious. Or, at least, that’s how we sometimes convey ourselves to be. Throughout the course of our discussion one night, I noticed that I began to view her big accomplishments as insignificant compared to mine.
How we judge the accomplishments of others is how we truly see our own.
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Put another way, I was giving her the that’s cute attitude followed by a metaphorical head pat. I had just put this accomplished woman on display in a glass box.
I caught myself being a perpetrator!
How we judge the accomplishments of others is how we truly see our own.
This is true regardless of gender. The glass box can certainly be broken by female entrepreneurs without a man’s help, but men should be part of the solution. Where can we start?
Start with you, and the culture will follow.
When I caught myself being a perpetrator, I didn’t exactly know how to respond. Honestly, I felt like a bad guy at first. I also felt like a hypocrite. Up to that point in business, I had never carried such a paternal attitude, and it didn’t sit well with me.
After sitting on it for awhile, I realized that was simply a slip. I wasn’t a bad guy. In fact, I was just being a guy who is attracted to a certain type of girl. She happened to be that type of girl. What was great was that I controlled myself in that situation. Most importantly, we both understood and respected each other’s boundaries.
I haven’t given up my attraction to women, by the way! That seemed like a horrible option at the time. Instead, I established even clearer boundaries with all work relationships, regardless of gender.
Really, I extended some of my boundaries and shrank others. Maybe these will work for you too.
One of the boundaries I extended was the fun boundary. Business can be challenging, and I can be demanding. Still, we should enjoy the heck out of our time together. So we celebrate together, drink together, eat together, and work together.
One of the boundaries I shrank was my flirtatious disposition. Trust me, I don’t think I lost a step in the business because I changed this. I had to understand that if someone perceived me to be flirting with them, then that’s their reality. That reality could come back to bite me in a real way.
What about the numbers?
A common way to measure diversity is to look at the percentage makeup of the company. For example, diversity is measured in a percentage of minorities.
Personally, I don’t wholly trust this approach to workplace diversity and equality.
Of course, your results may be far different than mine, but the sentiment remains the same. Change yourself, and the culture will follow.
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Something interesting happened when I cut back on being flirtatious and began to focus only on the accomplishments of the person in front of me: I began working with more women.
This wasn’t a conscious decision. I wasn’t seeking out more women to make up for messing up that one time. No, it was natural.
Of course, your results may be far different than mine, but the sentiment remains the same. Change yourself, and the culture will follow.
The glass box, broken.
Business is not a man’s world. It’s simply a world.
And this world is best when everyone is viewed, treated, appreciated, and welcomed equally.
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Photo: Flickr/Gerry Thomasen
Wow….thanks so much…for your transparency!