Howdy, Y’all!
I’m your local HR executive, and I want you to notice how friendly I am because I said y’all. We here at your fabulous company just thought we would mosey on down your email piehole and let you know about our great paternity leave policy!
As you partners know, our company values your family because we have taken life insurance policies out on all of them. Don’t worry about that last part, just know how much we care about our profits. That’s why we offer one of the most comprehensive paternity leave policies in the industry. The fact that we offer any automatically puts us in the top 1%! Not you, of course, you’re hourly workers. But our CEO is def in the top 1%.
With our generous paternity leave policy, you have enough time to run home on your one-hour lunch break and spend that special time with the new addition to your family. This is unpaid of course because FMLA doesn’t require us to pay you at all. In fact, it’s specifically written that way! Learning new things is fun.
Anyway, if the traffic is good, you can spend a whole ten minutes discovering everything that it means to be a father. According to Tucker Carlson, that’s more than enough time. So, we’ve all gotten together with Twitter to give you some amazing ideas about what you can do on your more than enough paternity leave.
- Wash a plate while your wife struggles with postpartum depression. Look at you helping! Good job getting the most out of your paternity leave!
- We can only assume that the birth or adoption of your child went smoothly, so we don’t know, take a nap? Childbirth isn’t that hard anyway. Tucker’s nanny told us.
- Change a diaper. Changing any more than one diaper makes you a woman. So really, our paternity leave policy is making you more of a man. Thank you for trusting us with your masculinity.
- Look up terms such as pre-eclampsia, prolapse, and toxic workplaces. Wait, don’t look up that last one.
- Walk around and say the word nip*le. Sorry, company policy prohibits us from sharing the word nipple or talking about breastfeeding. Gross.
- Bond with the dog, which fun fact, got more paternity leave than you because federal regulations regarding dog breeding are more compressive than FMLA. Look up “whelping box” for more dog leave benefits.
- Squeeze in a workout as your partner pops another stitch from her C-section as she puts away the dish you washed and left in the sink.
- Ask if the lactation nurse is single.
- See if nip*le shields work as a funnel for changing your oil.
- Marvel at how your partner can handle it all because if she can’t, she is immediately judged and labeled a bad mother which we are sure isn’t going to affect her mental health. She doesn’t work here, so whateve. We’re kicking her off our insurance policy as she has a pre-existing condition of being a woman.
- Name your kid.
- Point out that the hallway needs to be vacuumed.
- Leave a love note to your wife stating that anything she wants to make for dinner is just fine with you. You’re not picky, you’re woke!
- Ask your wife when she is going to lose that baby weight.
- Tell your wife that it’s fine if the baby sleeps on the floor until she has time to put together the crib or shoebox. We’re not sure what babies sleep in.
- Tell Daryl, Gary, and Phil to feel free to come meet the baby before the big poker game on Saturday and use your paternity leave to help your wife craft a menu.
- Show your partner how easy it is to sleep while the baby sleeps. Once refreshed, head back to work a new man!
- Call your mother so she can come over and tell your partner how she is doing it wrong.
- Rub some whisky on your gums. If it’s good enough for the baby, it’s good enough for you.
- Read the rest of this memo.
We also want to point how inclusive our paternity leave policy is. That’s why it applies to both men and women, unless the man stays home or it’s two men. Then it doesn’t apply. Or if it’s two women, it doesn’t apply. Really, this policy doesn’t apply to anyone and that is very inclusive. We like to think that since it’s equally exclusive, that makes it more inclusive.
We also want to remind you that you are not getting paid for reading this memo since we sent it to you on your paternity leave, which we are also not paying for. Bond on your own time, which we own anyway. So, don’t bond on our time. Invent new time.
We at the HR department are so happy that you have welcomed a new addition to your family because that’s what our legal department states we should feel so that it’s socially acceptable for our CEO to get his massive bonus. On a side note, we also have a very generous new yacht leave policy that is fully paid for and lasts 6 months.
If you have any questions, please tweet Tucker Carlson so he can dehumanize you and belittle your manhood.
Sincerely,
The Yacht Club
Oh, we mean HR
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This Post is republished on Medium.
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