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Sexual assault is a sadly common experience for women. Nearly 1 in 5 women in the US are raped in their lifetime and their attackers are almost always men (i). This kind of violence can leave a woman deeply unsure of which men to trust. It’s a problem good men don’t create but good men can help mend.
Over the past years, I have been heartened to watch a groundswell of men take an interest in reducing violence against women. Men are acting as powerful agents for change by tackling rape culture. In addition to this, I believe that healthy, empathic men are well placed to help women survivors recover and rebuild after sexual violence. It’s that priceless opportunity to help healing that I wish to discuss and I urge you to take part in.
When I was 24 years old and living abroad, I was raped by a group of young men. I had thought one of those men was my friend.
Following the rape, I was frequently too terrified to sleep without the assistance of medication and a safe person beside me as I let go of consciousness. Going out into the world to work, shop for groceries and so on was a huge and humiliating task because sensory triggers would trip me into brutal flashbacks of the event that would have me hyperventilating and struggling against men who weren’t there. Revisiting the rape in any context invariably tipped me into a frantic or stunned state of denial, in which I would become highly confused and unable to comprehend how such a series of events could have occurred. “There must be some mistake” I would repeat in my dazed state. I wished that every trace of the events of that night could be erased; myself, and my body included. I wondered if it would be possible for me ever to feel pretty or clean again.
Like the overwhelming majority of reported cases, my experience with the justice system did not lead to any convictions. In the US, for every 1000 rapes, only 7 will result in a felony conviction.ii Knowing how ineffective justice systems are in stopping sex abusers placed a fear in me that can never entirely be erased. It is a fear I share with many.
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On the counter side, I came to realise that even though the likelihood of conviction for an act of sexual violence is so very low, most men never rape. It’s not a risk of adverse consequences that prevent men from committing this violence; it is empathy and decency that negates the very possibility of such a desire. Reflecting on this and contemplating the responses of men in my life who expressed their total disapproval of my mistreatment helped reaffirm my faith in men and human nature more generally and diminished my fear enough to let me lead a normal life.
My recovery was greatly aided by the solidarity and support of my close male friends. My trust in men had been profoundly shaken by the men who raped me and further by the justice system’s inability to halt my attackers. Trust in half the population is a mighty asset to lose, so I reached out to my three dearest male friends to help and they gave me their support. They weathered my intense emotions without judgment. They listened and responded to every word that I needed to say. They made sure that they were with me when I felt unsafe. They believed in my ability to recover and reminded me of it daily. They felt with me. They stood with me. They cared for me.
So my message is this, if you are a man and a woman reaches out to you to speak about sexual violence, you are being given a priceless opportunity to do something wonderful, to reaffirm trust and self-worth, to change a life. And, you can do it! The recipe is quite simple. With an unhindered willingness to listen and learn and be with her on her journey, you can sway the outcome toward a much brighter future for her.
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If you still fear that you might say or do something wrong because you don’t fully understand the female experience of sexual violence, here is a short list of suggestions for making yourself approachable for open conversations around sexual trauma, and for offering life-changing support if a survivor reaches out to you for help.
Before I proceed, if any of these tips seem condescendingly pedestrian to you, please don’t be offended. I am answering a variety of misconceptions I have encountered along my journey; some of them are misconceptions made by kind-hearted men who could be invaluable champions in helping women hurt by sexual violence.
Maintaining Approachability
Don’t:
Don’t engage in jokes or conversations that trivialize rape or other violence toward women.
Don’t use language that praises or excuses sexual aggression in men.
Don’t harshly judge women for enjoying the same freedoms you support for men.
Do:
Understand that women desire and expect to have full bodily autonomy just as men do and the emotional fallout of that being taken away is tremendous.
Understand that sexual violence, in any context, is a traumatic experience.
Understand that not all men (or people in general for that matter) possess the integrity that you do. Men who hurt women are often very talented at convincing men and potential female victims alike that they are stable, kind men.
Understand that there are many survivors around you and you rarely know who they are. A sexually aggressive comment or action may be meant to be fun and might even be well-tolerated by some women but it has the potential to inflict deep distress on many survivors.
The Initial Conversation
Don’t:
- Don’t try to minimise the horror of her experience by defending the motives of her attacker or otherwise questioning her perception of the facts. It won’t minimise the horror for her. It may, however, extend it by making her feel that a trusted man is unfazed at her being brutalised, greatly diminishing her trust in the world around.
- Don’t compare the degree of violence she endured against that endured by others. Any act of sexual violence has the capacity to utterly emotionally shatter a victim, no matter how high or low it might appear to sit on a scale of brutality.
- Don’t try to take control of the situation. The salient issue in rape is that her control was taken away. Simply be supportive.
Do:
- Show your willingness to have the conversation. It takes great courage to speak. Match her courage by listening. Show you believe her, you care and you want to help.
- Understand that this is a conversation about violence and its fallout. It’s not actually about sex, so try not to feel embarrassed about her sharing facts that might feel more personal or intimate than generally spoken about.
- Understand that reporting and usually being the main witness for the prosecution in a rape case is a traumatic experience and it is her choice to make. So rather than demand to know if she has reported the crime, ask, listen to her reasons and offer your support, whatever her decision.
- Be considerate but also be open about your emotional response. I am grateful for the highly emotional responses I received, including expressions of anger toward the perpetrators and tears. The calmer responses that I will carry with me always were from my three dearest male friends who cared for me in the immediate aftermath of the attack. One asked me to give him as much of my pain as I could because if we carried it together we would surely make it through. My other two friends sat beside me for hours visibly heart-sore and keen to come up with practical ways to help. The greater pain for the survivor is when there is no emotional response at all. Silence can be felt as suspicion or judgment. Silence shows anything but solidarity.
- Understand that suicidal ideation, dissociation, post-traumatic stress disorder and depression are common responses to sexual violence.iii Be ready to assist her find professional help if needed.
The Path to Recovery
Don’t:
- Don’t put deadlines on her recovery.
- Don’t take it personally if she protects her personal safety fiercely, even around you. A sense of vulnerability in and of itself can be distressing in the aftermath of sexual violence. Her hypervigilance and heightened risk aversion will subside as trust in the world is regained. Reassure her gently that you would never hurt her but let her set the boundaries until she feels safe.
- Don’t belittle her judgment if on occasion you think it is impaired by her trauma response. Rather, help her talk out her thinking and gently guide toward a healthier thought path.
Do:
- Help her feel safe.
- Help her feel worthy.
- Help her feel hopeful.
- Make her feel welcome to express her thoughts and feelings.
- Understand that some people will make ignorant, insensitive and inflammatory remarks that will attack her sense of worth, safety and hope. Be the voice that builds her up.
- Understand that particular sensory experiences can suddenly and powerfully trigger flashbacks or painful memory. Be patient.
- Assist with the psychological injury just as you would with a physical affliction – treat it without judgment, have faith that it can be alleviated or healed.
- If you are a sexual partner – be patient, be protective, be kind – reassure her that she is worthy and lovable. (Sexual violence teaches the opposite.)
At 24 years old, my predominant fear was this – I couldn’t tell which men presented a serious danger to me and which men would look the other way. I feared that I was not only worthless in the eyes of my attackers, but in the eyes of many men. My close male friends were uniquely positioned to help me rebuild trust and a sense of safety and they did exactly that. Primarily, they did this by listening and letting me lead the way for my healing.
Patiently and compassionately, they listened to the repeated recounts of my experience and my trying to make sense of it. They asked how they could help and did so without hesitation. They commended my efforts to heal and celebrated my progress. In doing so, they helped me to rediscover my own strength and worth and to trust in the power of us. It altered my trajectory in a remarkably positive way.
My experience tells a hopeful story – a few good men helped change a life with simple kindness. Any good man can do the same.
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