As a father, I get asked a lot of questions when I’m out and about with the kids. As you can imagine, they are all very thoughtful and not insulting at all. It’s not every day that you see a dad that is allowed to take their children out on their own, so I get why they want to know what’s wrong with me. But, unfortunately, it does take a lot of time out of my day to answer so many questions. So I’ve decided that the best thing to do is to compile them all in one easy place and thus prevent repeat questions.
Question 1: Does your wife know you are at the park with your kids?
Answer: Good Lord, I have no idea. What we should probably do is call the police to make sure that it is ok that I’m at the park with them. I mean, this could be very serious if she doesn’t know that I am out with the children. Let’s get on that. If she doesn’t know, this could be a real problem. I should probably just go home and park them in front of the TV because that is what all the parenting websites say I do.
Question 2: How could you possibly know what it’s like to be a mother and care for your children?
Answer: You are absolutely right, I have no idea what it’s like to be a mother, mainly because I have a penis. But let me assure you, it’s very impressive. The mother thing, not the penis part. Well, it is a little bit.
Anyway, besides that, how would I know? I mean, I was only their every step of the way through this whole having kids thing. I’m pretty sure that was me at conception. I think I was also there during the puking from morning sickness at the doctor’s office. My wife was pretty embarrassed so I had to use my hands to stuff it down the sink and clean everything up before the doctor came in.
And I didn’t grow life, but I did see it come forth. I got hit in the face on that day with a lot of stuff. There was the whole breastfeeding part, too, with me running to the store in the middle of the night to get nipple cream and shields while constantly worrying I wasn’t doing enough. Oh, and the late-night feedings were all me, too. And I was there for the PPD, every freaking step of the way trying to figure out how to take care of everyone.
But besides all that, I have no idea what it’s like to love your family as much as a mother, and I appreciate that this now a competition. Do I get any credit for the last twelve years I’ve experienced as the primary caregiver? I like cars? I suppose that’s the same?
Anyway, yeah, I don’t know what it’s like to be a mom, but I’ve got the dad thing down.
Question 3: Is it time for Daddy Daycare?
Answer: Wait, people get paid to do this? I’m going to speak to the union.
Question 4: Let me take the baby, there is no possible way you know how to get your child to calm down.
Answer: Fair point, Nana. I wouldn’t know anything about that. I’ve tried all the other great advice you’ve given me. I rubbed whiskey lard on her gums while also singing somewhat questionable songs from the 1940s. Nothing seems to work! It’s clear I can’t be trusted.
Question 5: You got your kids out of the house! What special treat would you like?
Answer: Oh, my! I wasn’t expecting an award show for getting a gallon of milk. I feel like I need an acceptance speech. Um, ok. I’ve got this. First, I would like to thank my lawnmower for always being there. I would also like to acknowledge the hard work of the vacuum cleaner. Couldn’t have done anything without that. This is really a team effort, thank you.
Question 6: Sir, do you have any identification?
Answer: Of course, I do, officer. I have my driver’s license, my passport, and the twelve million background checks that are required of me anytime I want to do anything with my kids. Funny thing, I am actually cleared for a top-secret NSA clearance. How wild is that? Anyway, here is a blood sample as well. And before you ask, yes I can prove that these are indeed my children. They sneeze in the sunlight, just like me. Oh, and they call me dad but that’s really more circumstantial evidence. My handcuff size is extra-large.
Question 7: What’s your wife’s phone number? We will call her with an update.
Answer: Ok, I’m going to give you her number, receptionist at the doctor’s office. But let’s pretend something real quick. You have rarely seen mom here over the last twelve years. And it’s quite possible that she doesn’t even know where we are at (see question 1), but let’s pretend for a second that I’m the one here in the middle of the day for every bruise or ouchie, sickness and follow up appointment. It would probably be a good idea to call me with an update and let me tell everyone else what’s going on. I get it though, the whole penis thing. (See question 2)
Question 8: How do you manage to get the kids to school all by yourself?
Answer: Ah, I see what you did there, internet advice column for dads but written by anyone else who is not a dad. This question is not condescending at all and I appreciate that you hold me in such high regard. Well, I got up this morning and put on my big boy pants. That was my first step. Then I listened to Eye Of The Tiger for about an hour. After that, I made some really bad decisions and couldn’t figure out how to make breakfast. It’s ok though, we found a way to get out the door by 10 am. I never realized how getting ready for the day was rocket surgery and there is no way anyone could figure that out without countless columns claiming that dads are clueless and have no idea what they are doing. Feel free to pander to me and make me feel like I’m not good enough. But while I’ve got you here, can you give me other advice? Like, should I turn on the stove when I’m cooking? And what about hugs? Is that still a thing? What I mean is if I want to nurture my own child, is there a way to do that without actually touching them? I’m lost. I better go nap for a bit and let mom take over.
I hope that this helps everyone save a bit of time when we all go about our days. Remember, if you see a dad at your local playground, please be sure to take down the make and model of his car.