Kozo Hattori writes a letter to his sons in case he dies.
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I’m going in for some medical testing next week. Should be nothing, but my mind sometimes runs towards worst case scenarios.
My sons are young, and there are some things we haven’t gotten a chance to talk about. So I wrote this letter just in case.
♦◊♦
Dear Sons,
If you are reading this, then Daddy had to leave you. Here are a few things I wanted to tell you about before I left. These are just my opinions, so I encourage you to search for your own truths. You can use this letter as a diving board to plunge deeper into your own pool of wisdom.
Death
I have no idea what happens during or after death. Actually, I do know if you are reading this, but while I am writing these words, I am clueless. I just want you to know that no matter what happens, I will always try to come find you wherever you are. If you ever get the feeling that I am there, then rest assured that I have found you.
God
Like death, I have ideas and feelings about God, but nothing is certain. I do know with certainty, however, that there is so much that we do not know. I try to keep in mind Father Richard Rohr’s saying, “Ignorance does not result from what we don’t know; ignorance results from what we think we do know.”
God, The Force, The Universe, Chi, and/or Love are so much bigger and more intelligent than we can possibly imagine. If you think you know everything, then you don’t know God.
Sex
Trust me on this one. Two words of advice: SLOW DOWN. Don’t be in a rush to have sex, and if you are going to have sex, SLOW DOWN. You are going to want to jump to the climax as soon as you start. SLOW DOWN.
Enjoy every inch of beauty on your partner’s body. Don’t rush to the gushy parts. Caress or kiss his/her toes, feet, ankles, calves, knees, thighs, (you get the picture). Spend hours cherishing their eyebrows, the curve of their neck, the softness of their cheeks, the warmth of their breath.
Make them beg you to have sex with them. Which reminds me–this is the best way to make sure that you’re having consensual sex. Every cell in your partner’s body should be screaming “YES!” Even if they say yes verbally, check in with their body and soul. If you have any doubts, SLOW DOWN or STOP.
Controlling your sexual desire, in my opinion, is the hardest and most important tasks you will have as a man. Your sexuality is one of the most creative, pleasurable, and powerful aspects of being human, but like we learned from Spiderman, “With great power comes great responsibility.” Combine your sexuality with empathy and compassion and you (and your partner) might experience Godliness.
Success
I’ll let you in on a little secret: I couldn’t care less what grades you get in school, what college you go to (if you go to college), what diplomas you get, what job you get, or how much money you make.
I think of success in four categories:
- Joy—Is your life full of joy? Do you find joy in the success and happiness of others? Do you wake up every morning eager to learn the different ways joy will surprise you?
- Kindness—Are you kind to others, even your “enemies”? Is your kindness sincere? Do you find joy in being kind to others, even complete strangers? Would you rather be right or be kind?
- Service—Do you feel the suffering of others and want to help? Have you discovered the secret that helping others brings more pleasure, health, and well-being than helping yourself? Are you creating more than you are consuming? Are you making the world even a tiny bit better?
- Peace of Mind—What percentage of your day is peaceful? Is your mind full of peace and love or conflict and aversion? Does your presence bring peace of mind to others? Do you control the peace in your mind or is it dictated by others?
I hope you will define success in a similar manner. No matter what you do in life, remember that Daddy loves you…always.
It took me many years of hardship to learn these lessons, so don’t feel bad if you make some mistakes. Also, don’t believe any of this just because I said so. Feel free to explore these ideas and test them with your own experience. Life is all about second chances.
Thank you for all the joy, kindness, peace, and service you have brought into my life. I am blessed to have shared the time we spent together.
Love,
Dad
♦◊♦
What would you include in a letter to your sons? Please share below.
For more information on how to deepen your relationships with your sons, click here.
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Photo–Marshall Hattori/Flickr
Being in control of the sexual desire is the hardest and most important task a man could ever have and Relationship/Love is not even mentioned. But then men still want to convince us that they DO want and value love as much or even more than sex, that a relationship with a woman is very important (for something other than to gain access to sex) and that they aren’t really obsessed with their (most of the times egocentric, as men would rather just pump and cum just like you, surprisingly, honestly admit; they actually are averse to giving women pleasure… Read more »
July,
“Relationship/Love is not even mentioned”–I beg to differ. All the markers of success have to do with love and relationship with others (joy, loving-kindness, service, and peace).
Also, I purposely don’t make my references to sex heterosexual. This advice I give to my sons does not assume a female sexual partner. Your assumption that all the references about sexuality refer to women highlight a bias in society that I hope we can overcome.
WTF! Here is a fine example of the vilification of male sexuality. The automatic assumption that sex is disconnected from relationship just because it is in reference to a male. The automatic assumption that the male default setting is a selfish sexual partner. The automatic assumption that males don’t crave companionship. The automatic assumption that the female perspective/view/experience is the gold standard.
Kozo,
This is a powerful and poignant letter. I’m sure your sons will be encouraged and enriched by your incisive wisdom. Every parent should read this. What more can I say, my dear peace loving friend, I send you prayers and blessings, healing light, and agape love for a speedy recovery from the procedure. You will be fine and we will gather to celebrate. Thank you for this inspiring start to my day, I will share it.
Elizabeth
Elizabeth,
So great to “see” you. Yes, “we will gather to celebrate.” {{{Hugs}}} to you and yours. I’m sure you could write a letter full of wisdom for all children to learn from [hint, hint]. Peace and love, Kozo