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“A man’s friendships are one of the best measures of his worth.” Charles Darwin
There are many examples of famous male friendships throughout history. Some notable ones include Robert Redford and Paul Newman; Jack Kerouac and Neal Cassady; and John Lennon and Paul McCartney. Sometimes famous men gather in groups like the Hollywood Rat Pack of Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, Sammy Davis Jr., and their pals. The most colorful examples of male friendships are often fictional ones like Batman and Robin, or Don Quixote and Sancho Panza.
Luckily for most men, you don’t have to be famous to have rich and rewarding friendships with other men.
In a previous post I described how many adult males don’t do friendship particularly well. There are plenty of reasons for this to change. Having good friends is good for you. Whether starting new friendships, fostering old ones, or cleaning out your friendship closet, here are some points to keep in mind.
1. Quality over Quantity
You don’t need a busload of friends to have a happy life, but you should have at least one or two good ones. Everyone has different friendship needs. Some men are more introverted and are perfectly comfortable with a quiet evening at home. Others are extraverted and love to be constantly surrounded by people. Most men fall somewhere in between.
If you are more of a loner you might do better to focus your energies on a few quality relationships. If you are on the opposite end of the spectrum be careful not to dilute your social network too much with people you only know superficially. It is okay to have a busload of friends. Just make sure some of them are close ones.
2. Embrace the Bromance
Though the term “bromance” was only coined about two decades ago, “bromantic” friendships between men have been around for ages. A bromance generally refers to the non-sexual intimacy of close male friendships. Abraham Lincoln had a well-documented one with Joshua Speed, an Illinois farmer and real estate investor. They met as young adults and remained lifelong friends. While there has been some sensationalized historical speculation that Lincoln and Speed’s relationship was sexual, most historians dismiss this claim as groundless.
In society today “bromance” seems to have become a cute punch line. Two straight men going out together for a typically male/female date activity (e.g., dinner and a movie) is sometimes referred to as a “Man Date.” Both terms reflect the conflicting and complicated feelings men have about masculinity and their enjoyment of close relationships with other men. Making it a bit of a joke is a way of managing those fears and worries. I say we embrace the spirit of the bromance and man date but get rid of the subtle self-mockery that is sometimes attached to it. Let’s start by simply calling it what it is: a friendship.
3. Mix and Match
In the 1990s sitcom Seinfeld neurotic George Costanza worried his friendship world (of Jerry, Kramer, and Elaine) would interfere with his girlfriend world (with Susan) and vice versa. George worked very hard to keep these worlds separate and developed a harebrained theory about how things would explode should his “worlds collide.”
Like George, some men worry unnecessarily about their male friendships circles overlapping. This doesn’t have to be the case. So, don’t be afraid to mix and match. Consider letting your world of poker buddies collide with your neighborhood dad’s group. Invite your band mate to the church bazaar. Not every match is going to work, and some might even feel unnatural, but you might be surprised by the results. You will likely learn something new about the men you already know. They will too.
4. Make it a Priority
Although time and energy are limited, friendship is a “renewable resource.” There is enough of it to go around and when it is shared it often grows exponentially. Like most things though, if you want it to improve you have to work at it and make it a priority. We do this with exercise and eating well, why not with our friendships?
What kind of “friendship” plan can you commit to? You might not be able to commit to a 2 week Colorado cattle drive with your 40-year-old friends also going through their midlife crises (see the film City Slickers). You’re more likely, however, to be able to do one lunch each month with an old friend or someone new you would like to get to know better.
5. Take the Lead
Someone has to, right? If you are reading this, that “someone” very well might be you. If you want more or better friends you have to make it happen, or at least create the environment for it to occur.
Last year the founder of STAND, Dwayne Hayes, started a local Dad’s group that brought together a group of dads from our community here in Michigan. The group is diverse and well attended. It has brought together men of different circles, but it didn’t arrange itself. Dwayne had a vision and put it into place.
You can do the same. What’s stopping you?
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Previously published on STAND Magazine
By Stephen J. Hanley
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Photo: GettyImages